Sunday, June 30, 2013

Cubs Throwback Uni's Hilarious as Always

  It was throwback jersey day in Seattle yesterday, which means the players looked like they were wearing pajamas...I couldn't get over the idea that when these uni's were actually worn, no brown people would have been allowed to wear them.  Fashion aside, I find it strange to celebrate some false idyllic past, when the people playing wouldn't even have been allowed to play.  I'm over thinking it I know....but this guy...who hit the game winning homerun in the 11th inning....


Would not have been allowed to play with this guy....


Either way, these throwback Uni's were much better than some of the other ones I've seen gaudily hanging off the backs of the players...remember these?


I like the logo, but it was obvious there were no gays in baseball at the time.  As no self respecting gay man would ever let the midwestern blue of the batting helmet clash with that navy.  They look like long johns, all that's missing is the butt flap.

Or how about these?


Frankly, it looks like it says "UBS".  Obviously, a lack of graphic design budget in 1918.  Castro looks like he's about to go break rocks on a chain gang.  Not play baseball!  Also, if they're gonna do this throwback thing right.  They shouldn't allow wristbands and Under Armour anti perspiration gear.  All wool baby!  Starlin wouldn't make it through the second inning if he had to wear what this guy wore....


He'd just as soon lynch you as play baseball.  I heard he worked as a cattle driver in the off season.

Check out Soriano in the same Uni....All I can think of is Shawshank Redemption....give him a  white fro, a beard, and a great voice over voice and he's freaking Morgan Freeman!


Now, my favorite throwback Uni's, that is, the ones I find the most repulsive, and proof that history is best left in the past....are these....as I am still bitter about 1984, I'm gonna pick on the Padres....


Whoever designed these "Pee and Poo" colored uniforms needs to get their eyes checked and a pink slip.  Repulsive is too good a word for these uniforms.  If I were a shortstop on the opposing team, I'd make 5 errors that day because I wouldn't be able to stop giggling at how ridiculous the Padres looked.  

Well...since we're on the Uniform tip, and I don't feel like talking about the fact that the Cubs won 5-3 on a Soriano 2 run shot in the 11th, Kevin Gregg's first blown save, Bogusevic's bad defense, or Catro's "even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and again" home run...here's more hilarious uniforms!

\
LSD was still legal then....

Hobbies:  Tanning beds, laundry, synchronized swimming

Ummmmm.....

You wanna knock boots?

The Eddie Munster....

Wow...just wow....

Cubs play the rubber match at 3 in Seattle.  In honor of Gay Pride, I think they should play in drag...Darwin Barney would look smashing in a dress!
















Saturday, June 29, 2013

Cubs Lose. Here's Why.

In lieu of recapping the Cubs' painful 10 inning 5-4 loss to the Mariners last night....lemme just say, Dale Sveums still an idiot and mismanaged the bullpen, Castro still isn't hitting, the defense is still shoddy, and Dioner Navarro is fat, (but at least he hits)....here's proof....




Furthermore....this...





In addition....the skinny young fan screwed Santa out of a homerun ball....lame....



That is all....
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Friday, June 28, 2013

I Must Be in the Front Row!

Some of you may be too young to remember, but in the 80's, there was a Miller Lite commercial featuring Bob Uecker where he gets booted from his seat for acting rowdy.  When security comes to get him, and tells him he's in the wrong seat, Uecker says, "I must be in the front row...". Of course, he ends up in nose bleed seats, and the last shot of him is in the last row of the stadium screaming, "He missed the tag!"  It's hilarious, and unfortunately, I couldn't find a Youtube of it as all the links were broken due to copyright infringement...boo-urns...

Unlike Uecker, yours truly, Son Ranto did sit in the first row yesterday.  For the first time since a 16 inning game against the Atlanta Braves in 1987, I successfully snuck down the the First Row of box seats.  Right behind the Brewers Ball Boy.  I had a little help from my Brother in law, and his neighbor Paul, who actually had tickets in the section.  We did the old, ticket exchange every time someone got up.  I personally paid 10$ for a scalped ticket right in front of the Stadium.  Not bad seats for 10$ eh?


It was a great place to watch the Cubs beat the Brewers 7-2 for the series win anyway.  The only surprises in the game, besides the Cubs scoring 7 runs, was that Matt Garza, who usually swings the bat terribly, had 2 hits!  And his trade baitability, increased 10 fold because of a 7 inning, 7 strikeout appearance.  With Garza's contract up this year, and his proneness to injury, I actually hope he's gone by tonight.  It's a damned shame too, because it would be nice to have Garza as a Cub for the next few years.  I think he's a great pitcher when he's healthy.  Possibly we can resign him in the off season.  He fits in well in Chicago.  

Another notable achievement from yesterday was 2 hits from my man, Starlin Castro.  Now, I've been hard on Starlin this year, but since his benching on Tuesday, he has gone 2-5 in the next two games.  Could this be the turn around we're all waiting for?  Let's hope.  Because if the Cubs are going to complete their World Series plans in 2015, Starlin's going to have to be a part of it.  Too bad Dale didn't bench Castro two weeks ago, when almost every fan in the stands said that's what needed to happen.

Another notable achievement from the game, was Dioner Navarro's 7th home run, a line drive, 3 run shot to right.  He has to be the best hitting back up catcher in the majors. with 7 home runs and 17 RBI's in only 89 at bats over 36 games.  The offensive production out of the Catcher's spot has been impressive, along with Castillo.  The defense, not so much, but as a Cubs' fan in 2013, I'll take what I can get.... 

Like Front Row Seats!!!! 

Check out how close I was to the Sausage Races!

Go Hot Dog!!!!

Hot Dog Wins!!!!

The Sausages exited up my row!!! I'm awesome!!!

Just a quick note if you plan on gambling on the Sausage races, which I did the previous evening, winning a dollar off the Rally Banana.  The Brewers Ballboy told me that there's a broken piece in the Chorizo costume, and it's also the most top heavy.  Chorizo hardly ever wins.  Do you think the Brewers are racist?  Making the latino sausage slowest?  Probably....


Yes.  The front row is definitely the way to watch the Cubs win Matt Garza's last start in pinstripes.  I suggest you all try it sometime.  

Well, it's time to start falling asleep in fron of the TV while watching the game again.  Cubs are in Seattle tonight.  I really wish I could go, but alas, I cannot afford it.  We got Travis Wood 5-6, 2.85 vs Hisashi Iwakuma 7-3, 2.26.  I know nothing about the Mariners except for that they have virtually the same record as the Cubs, and none of their starters are batting over .300, and Aaron Harang, who the Cubs face Saturday, is on their team now.  The good news is, we don't have to face King Felix Hernandez!

Well, I won't be at another game until the Cubs come home 7/5.  In the meantime...

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Son Ranto Vs. Rally Banana


It was the bottom of the 9th, and Kevin Gregg, the Cubs' fearless closer had just given up a lead off homerun to Juan Francisco to pull the Brewers to within 1.  With the score 5-4, the Brewers' Rally Banana began dancing, gyrating to the rhythms and sounds permeating Miller Park, attempting to goad the 5000 or so Brewers fans left into cheering their scuffling team to victory.  With scoreboard initiated chants, and clapping patterns only known to those who reside north of the Wisconsin border, the rally Banana stood tall amongst his people, and induced a Rickie Weeks double.  Then a sacrifice bunt, putting the tying run on third base with only 1 out.  Things were looking dire for the Cubs, but I, Son Ranto telepathied the Cubs dugout for a visit from Cubs pitching coach, former Brewer Chris Bosio, and channeled my energies to Bosio, to tell Gregg to quit screwing around and bring the infield in.  I wasn't about to let the Rally Banana steal a rare Cubs victory at Miller Park away from me and my fellow Cubby Blue Bleeders, who outnumbered the Brewers fans 2-1.  I also wasn't about to let the Rally Banana even the score, as I had won 1$ off of Mr. Banana by picking the Hot Dog to win, over his Bratwurst in the Sausage race. 

You can see the vengeance in the Rally Banana's eyes, plotting his 9th inning Rally Banana comeback.   And with a man on third, Bosio waddling back to Cubs dugout, and the Mendoza lining .203 hitter Yuniesky Bettancourt, who's name sounds like a cross between a Latvian moonshine, and an English Count, I had to muster all my Son Ranto telepathic powers to make ex-Brewer Dale Sveum's "pulled in" infield work it's magic.  Success!!!  As planned, Yuniesky hit the ball straight at Luis Valbuena, and with Weeks, the runner at third, off on contact, and a fine throw from Valbuena, he was dead to rights at home plate!


Son Ranto 2 - Rally Banana 0

But I still had work to do, Gregg needed one more out.  And with the Rally Banana dancing up a storm, I knew that it would take all the Son Ranto power within me, to keep lefty Pinch Hitter Scooter Gennett from hitting his second career homerun.  A 2 run walk off.  So with the Rally Banana dancing full tilt,  Scooter launched a high fly ball to right field.  This was the opportunity I had been looking for.  This was an easy homerun, but I was sitting in left center field, perfectly positioned to create an air vacuum to keep the ball in the ball park, and into the mitt of Nate Schierholtz.  So I began to suck.  I sucked in air with lung power I didn't know I still had as a 20 year smoker.  The Rally Banana stopped and watched the fly ball sail through the air, preparing himself for a Rally Banana Walk off celebration of epic proportions.  But I, Son Ranto, continued to Vacuum up the outfield air with my superlungs.  Causing the ball to arc, then die to the warning track, where the waiting Schierholtz snagged it for the final out of the ballgame!  Cubs Win!  Son Ranto Wins!  Brewers lose!  Rally Banana Lose!!

Curses!  Foiled Again!!!!

Thus was the tale last evening at Miller Park in the epic battle for fourth place.
The saga continues today at 1:10 pm.
I'll be there, sucking as usual.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Cubs Fan Eulogy For Carlos Marmol

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a dear member of our Cubs family, reliever Carlos Marmol.  We all knew this day would come, and some of you would have liked to have seen Marmol's departure 3 years ago, myself included.  But the inevitable has happened.  Carlos is no more a Cub.  Through the booing, as Al Yellon of BCB puts it, for "just being put in the game", we all knew your days were numbered with this team.  And in many respects, it was us fans that kicked you off this team.  We made it a truly impossible for you to perform under pressure.  We booed ball one for Crissakes!   Even if you were one of the fans, like me, who doesn't boo such things, as soon as they announced your name, I would turn to whoever was next to me and say, "here we go again".  I'm sure 10,000 people at Wrigley were saying something to that effect.  We had no faith in you, and you knew it.  You could feel us wanting you to fail, to feel justified on our feelings that you, well, suck.  You were in a sense the Cubs' "Scapegoat" this year.  Your dramatically poor performances at the end of games,  fueled our collective Cubs fires.  And even though you are in the last year of an expensive contract, we were gonna get all the years frustration, Wrigley renovation wrangling, new ownership changes, and the high cost of Old Style, out on you Carlos.  So we booed you out of town, you aren't the first and you won't be the last.  We just wanted our moneys worth, and now you're gone.

With the scapegoat off the team, it's time to reflect on what we have.  Was it really all Carlos Marmol's fault, who we lay to rest in the hallowed halls of Cubdom today?  We will find out as soon as we see the performance of whoever takes his innings.  It may not be pretty.  I'm sure many an hilarious fan will continue to scream "Bring in Marmol!"  I think we'll miss him more than we think.  Maybe not.

Now being an ex-Cub not only gets Carlos paid for the rest of the year, but it will allow him to follow in the great traditions of Ex-cub pitchers like Dennis Eckersly and Greg Maddux.  I truly hope Marmol finds his greatness again....in the American League.  For he was once a mighty Cub, with trade value, and now, he is no more.  Let me leave you with this memory.

In 2007 and 2008, I was living in NYC, and not only did the Cubs make the playoffs both years, but these were the happiest years of my now defunct marriage.  As I walked my 3 dogs around Inwood hill park, in the evenings listening to Pat and Ron on my Iphone, as soon as I would hear Carlos Marmol was being put on the mound, I would rush home, and turn on the computer to watch Marmol pitch.  I would say to my ex-wife....wow, look at that slider!!! They can't hit it! Of course Marmol was always good for walking the bases loaded, and then striking out the side.  Or forcing some similarly nail biting, stomach churning situation.  And my wife feigned interest while watching Project Runway, similarly trying to get me to appreciate fashion. Those were great years, for my marriage and Marmol.  But who could have forseen the eventual 5 year slide to what we have now.  A pending divorce, and Marmol, designated for assignment.  But I'll always love them both because his slider was amazing, unhittable magic.  And my wife could cook her face off and tear the face off anyone who crossed her.  And for those memories....  I'll always have a soft place in my Cubbie Heart for Carlos Marmol.  God Speed good Carlos....into nothing....




Monday, June 24, 2013

I Know What's Wrong With Starlin Castro

In yesterday's 14-5 rout of the lowly Houston Astros, there was only one Cubs' starter without a hit, and that includes the starting pitcher Jeff Samrdnferbwjblwihx.  His name is Starlin Castro, he's the Cubs future star shortstop, and he's been downright terrible.  This series alone, he went 2-13, and committed 4, count em, 4 errors.  He currently is tied for the most errors in baseball, with the Pirates third baseman, Pedro Alvarez, with 14.  Castro is also batting .228, with an obp. of .264, an ops of .582, only 3 home runs and 1 triple.  And most importantly, a general lack of focus and drive to be a great Major Leaguer, that is obvious to anyone who can read his body language and general malaise on the field.  It feels like he doesn't like playing baseball anymore.  Like his head is somewhere else.  Like he wishes he'd just stayed in the DR, and worked at a dance club.  Like he'd rather be anywhere else than Wrigley Field on a Sunday afternoon.

So, what in the hell is wrong with him?

Besides the obvious that his name is made up of two Communist dictator names.  Starlin and Stalin.  Too close for comfort there.  And Fidel Castro is a given.  But I find it a little "tin foil hat" to suggest that the Commies are behind Castro's and thus, the Cubs decline.  Chicagoans love communism, or at least totalitarianism.  How else can you explain all the jailed Governors, and the fact that in the last 58 years, two men named Daley have been Mayor for 43 of em.  So.  If this isn't a commie plot....what is it?

I think I have the answer.  Too much too soon.

When I was 20 years old, I moved to NYC to pursue my dream of being a Broadway actor.  Within 2 years, I had achieved that goal, and what did I do?  Save my money?  Make certain I was in great physical shape for the 8 shows a week of singing and dancing?  Noooooooo.....I went out every night, and got drunk, and tried to get girls to come home with me.  Why?  Because I was 22, grew up poor, and was making 100K a year in 1996.  I relied on natural talent to get me through the hungover Saturday matinees on 2 hours sleep.  I bought rounds for the bar.  I lit cigarettes with 20$ bills.  I was outta hand.  I lasted 3 years.  Then my voice was gone from acid reflux and smoking.  I got fat.  My knee gave out, requiring surgery (I fell off a couch making out with a girl).  And most importantly, I was fried.  Life in the spotlight drained me.

Now, I'm not saying Starlin Castro is an alcoholic, womanizing, fool like me.  But Starlin is exactly the same age, 23, as I was when I started to slump.  When natural talent couldn't get you through the show or the game.  Starlin Castro has always been the best player on his team.  Most Major Leaguers were.
He has gotten by his whole life on natural talent, but the league has figured out his batting bag of tricks, and now Starlin has to make adjustments, prepare mentally, work out, focus, in order not to be beaten.  And he has been beaten many times this year.  Striking out in 20% of his at bats.  Does Starlin have the mental fortitude to "get it together"?  Or is he one of those bright stars that burn out too fast?

Starlin was 20 years old when he wowed us all with 7 RBI's in his first major league game.  He is one of the youngest players to 600 hits.  And he's taken it all for granted.  Remember when he was benched for not paying attention during a game?


His heads just not in this thing folks!  

So what's the solution?

Well, as long as he has the money and fame, he's not going to change.  His animal spirit and hunger is missing from the equation.  Personally, as an writer/artist, my money comes and goes.  I make 100K one year.  10K the next 2.  And I'm a much better, more motivated artist, writer, musician, actor, creative soul, when I'm poorer, hungrier, and my backs to the wall.  When I have $$$, I eat out all the time, drink the good stuff, and go to Jamaica.  Oh...and my artistry suffers.  It's the starving artist syndrome.  If your whole motivation is struggle, and then you no longer have to struggle, your output suffers tremendously.  Such is true with Starlin, who, too young to even understand what was happening to him, he was whisked off to Chicago from a tropical island, didn't speak the language, and all of a sudden had the hopes and dreams of millions of Cubs fans placed upon his shoulders.  Too much.  Too soon.  

So, he has to suffer.  

You have to send him down to the minors.  Don't wait until he's batting under .200 with 25 errors and his confidence is totally shot.  Well, his confidence will be shot playing in the minors too.  But at least he'll get the opportunity to remember what it is to be the best player on a team again.  Something, he won't be on the Cubs until maybe after the trade deadline.  Ugh.... But you gotta break this guy down in order to build him up.  

After my initial success in NYC, and all the money, I got down to my last 10K 3 years later, and ended up being a deliver boy where I had to walk up 6 flights of stairs to not be tipped, was electrocuted by light poles locking my bike up, and paid 8$ and hour to bike around in a Hurricane.  And within the year, with a hunger in my belly, I was back on Broadway making bucks.  This cycle has repeated itself throughout my life, and I recognize it in Starlin Castro.  

Everyone who loves the Cubs, wants Starlin to succeed.  Especially Starlin.  But with all the fake bat breaks after K's, the pouting, the watching homers that are doubles, the shuffling of the feet, the jogging off the field slowly, the slumped shoulders, and the basic lack of execution of anything baseball related.  He's got to go down to the minors ASAP to figure it out.  He needs a wake up call.  He needs to be electrocuted by a light pole, and ride through a hurricane to get his hunger back.  Break him down to build him up.  It's the only way.










Sunday, June 23, 2013

Cubs Lose, Scalpers Win!

Finding 15 while searching for a left behind Edwin Jackson Bobblehead is the best thing that happened to me at Saturday's Cub's game.

When I bought 2 terrace reserved seats off stub hub for 18$ each, and couldn't find a single person without a Graduation BBQ,  OK Cupid date, or Kids to go to the game with, I had a sinking feeling that this day would be one to just survive, and not to expect much out of the world.  
I was right.

Within moments of peddling off towards Wrigley, with plans to find someone to buy my extra, the chain fell off my bike.  Easy fix, but the sinking feeling deepened.  Tom Skilling, who apparently makes the weather around here, left us with a thick humidity that hovered like heavy spirits in expectation of Saturday's Super Moon that had the town abuzz.  It was going to be a strange day.  I could feel it in my bones.

The road to nowhere.

With a ticket to sell, the weird feelings, and a peckish for Al's Beef, I white knuckled it under the tracks, two parking lots, and two streets going the wrong way, parked, and went straight to the main box office asking if anyone needed a single.  Everyone wanted Bleachers, and as I continued on, I noticed there was a large white dude kinda tracking me, then he was up on me, but not saying anything.  I was born at night, but not last night.  I knew he was a cop, so I told some lie about how I was supposed to go to the game with my Mom, but her basement flooded, and I had an extra, and I got the bejeesus outta there.  

Decided to head down to Al's Beef and sell the extra closer to game time, but as luck would have it, I bumped into Ticket Man Terry across from the Salt and Pepper Diner down Clark asking if anybody was selling.  I told the same lie as earlier about my Mom's flooded basement. Terry lied, and said he was just trying to get into the game.  They all say that, thinking you might give them the ticket for free.   I said, "How much will you give me?".  He said, "10".  I said, "fine".  Down 8$, but at least I got something.  And no cops....

I immediately spent the 10$ at Al's Beef.  This isn't the original, but it's still a heluva beef sandwich.  The fries are some of the best in the city, and unlike all the other bar and grills on Clark, Al's had seating.
 
These children are delicious!!!


Heading back towards Wrigley, I wanted to see if Terry had sold my ticket.  He hadn't, but seemed like a cool guy, so I gave him my Son Ranto card and asked him a bit about the scalping business.  


Time for a ballgame!  

The ominous feeling had lifted slightly, as I had successfully gotten rid of my ticket, and was now full of beef.  The crowd going through Gate D was thick, and the Edwin Jackson Bobble Heads were long gone.  My niece had wanted one.  I guess I'm a crappy Uncle.  

 
Dale Sveum's tattooed forearms calling for the pitcher that will eventually lose the game loomed above, and the ominous feeling returned.  Oh right.  I'm going to watch the Cubs today.  Not who I wish the Cubs were.  But this manager, and these players.  The actual last place Cubs.  Yet, I hoped.  I mean, it's a good Saturday crowd, Game of the week, and the Astros, a team even worse than us! 

The National Anthem was decent, though he did go sharp during "Red Glare", and I settled into my favorite Right Field sun seats.  


And here's what I saw.....
                      The Double Campana
 
                                                                                            The Astro's tied, it and I went to smoke
               Amateurs doing the Wave....                             Theo Epstein look alike checking his stock      
                                                                                            portfolio during the stretch.
Nice to meet you!  I'm Goldendouche!
                                               
Cubs leave em loaded, and people leave em behind....

Oh, and the game itself?  Well, Castro did this....

But then he did this.....

Nate Schierholtz did this!  

But Castillo did this....


And Soriano did this....


The umpire did this...strike?!  Umm...no....
An Arizona Fan did this....

Ronny Cedeno...yes...THAT... Ronny Cedeno did this....

And the Cubs went down 4-3 with a quiet 9th inning.  Not even the #Cubes patented #fakerally to even have something to cheer about.  

The Cubs had their opportunities, but failed, going 1-8 with runners in scoring position, and leaving the bases loaded. not moving runners, swinging at terrible pitches...you know the usual.  

Travis Wood pitched pretty well, though it wasn't the best outing, giving up just a 3 run blast. But he should have been spotted to more runs.  You all know what happens next right?  The hitting is gonna come alive, just as the starting pitching falters.  It's the classic Cubs move.  

Anyhow, my ominous feeling was correct.  I should never have gone to this game, or left the house, and I certainly picked the wrong game to stay sober.  I was a bit hung over from the night before, and sweated it out over the first 3 innings in the sun.  But as I said at the top of this post, while searching for an Edwin Jackson Bobblehead, I found 15$, which more than made up for my 9$ loss on the scalped ticket. It was a weird day.  At least the Blackhawks won, and on the way home from Driftwood tavern, carrying my Mr. Salsa bag full of tacos, I passed by the cemetery that stands just north of the ballpark, while the Supermoon stood high above thousands of graves,  drunken revelers, and Wrigley Field.
A strange ending to a weird day.



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