Cubs Kick the living Crap Outta Nat's!

The Cubbies exploded for 11 runs against the Nationals, while Jeff Samarddbfefhf9v pitched a complete game shutout last night in a game I wasn't at.  Two homers each by Nate Schierholtz and Donnie Murphy, plus a ton clutch hits and excellent baserunning won the day, but.....Damn you!  I went to every loss on this home stand.  I suffered through a sweep at the hands of the Reds, and had to babysit my sister's kids during the Cubs only win against St. Louis.  In those 4 games I did attend, you scored a total of 5 runs.  And then last night, when I had something else to do, a sound design job at the Trap Door Theater for "The Balcony" which opens September 5th, (plug plug), you score 11 runs, and hit five dingers, and I missed it all.  Thanks a lot!  This is how you reward your loyal fans, by winning when they're not there?  Ugghhh...

Oh well, I guess I should be happy the Cubs won, especially because my best friend, Johnny Onomatopoeia, who hails from the DC area is gonna be pissed.  I should have placed a wager on this series with him, but the last time we wagered.... we had a weight loss competition before meeting in Vegas over the winter holiday's.  I won (but didn't keep the weight off, he did), and the loser was to play a half hour of craps in drag, but two things happened.  A.  We couldn't find a decently priced dress big enough for him, and B. He was arrested and pepper sprayed by the Vegas PD after getting sucker punched by a bouncer, and calling the cops on himself.  Needless to say, I am now a bit sheepish in asking Johnny to wager again, seems to be some bad luck strewn in there.  Besides, we kicked the crap out of the Cardinals in the first game of the last series, and then got basically shutout for the next 18 innings.  Well....we scored 1, which still sucks.  That could very well happen here.  The Cubs totally blew their wad in game 1 of the series, and then nothing....when I'm at Wrigley....

In other news, the Cubs did execute one of my least favorite transactions yesterday.  They traded David DeJesus to the Nationals for a player to be named later.  There's no payoff!  PTBNL?  By the time we find out who we got, the NFL playoffs will be on , and no one will care.  This is just a salary dump anyway.  And now the team will consist of people you never heard of.  It's not even 40 man roster time yet!  The Cubs already look like the Kane County Cougars! 

 I wonder if the Cubs let him dress at his old locker?  

From one crappy team, to another slightly less crappy team.  I wrote one of my favorite parody articles for Bleed Cubbie Blue's Fan Posts section about David DeJesus.  It's Funny.  Or at least I think it is....

Speaking of Cougars!

The sad thing is, David DeJesus's hot wife will no longer be a Cub Wife.  She was by far the hottest of the wives.  At least in a traditional sense of hot.  You know, breasts and butt and a pretty face.  Not obese.  You know, the kinda girl straight guys go for.  

Anyway, bye bye David!  It was not fun losing 100 games a year with you on the team, but at least you did a halfway decent job as a stop gap measure.  I will miss drunkenly yelling "let's go Jesus!!!!" when you come to bat.  Farewell, "Of Jesus", have fun trying to get the Nationals to .500, because they ain't winning shizznit this year.  

Well, the Cubs better do something tonight too.  Hitting 5 homers would be cool, as I'll be in the Bleachers, and have yet to catch a ball....ever.....would be nice to catch a homer.  I would go early and catch batting practice, but I gotta see a man about a horse before the game.  For those of you not in the know, that means, I got crap to do that I don't want to share on a Cubs blog.  Yes, even Son Ranto has a private life.  Not much of one, but it exists.  Actually, not much of a life in general, especially after September 29th, when I have to suffer through 5-6 months of terrible baseball longing.  You'd think I'd be more suicidal watching the Cubs during baseball season, but somehow, the pain of being a daily Cubs fan gets me through, and when I don't have them to kick around, I kick myself around.  Maybe I'll go to the Dominican and watch some winter ball to stave off my baseball deprivation and seasonal depression.  

But Tonight!

The Cubs new lefty phenom Chris Rusin goes against veteran Dan Haren.  It should be a kick arse game as long as the blasted mosquitos stay off of my jock. I'm covered in welts!  Convinced I have west nile virus or bed bugs, but it's probably just a hangover.  

Go Cubbies!

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Cubs' DeJesus Explodes in Fiery Wall Crash; Wins!

When I was in little league, if I screwed up a play, I would act as if some injury caused me to miss the ball, when in actuality, it was a lack of basic skill coupled with clumsiness that had far earlier ruined my chance of athletic success.  That was NOT the case last night with David DeJesus, who knocked in what proved to be the game winner, with a bases clearing, 3 run triple, in the Cubs 6-3 win against the NY Mets.  He then crashed into a wall, exploded into flames, and will now be on the disabled list, for how long? Nobody knows yet.  

Here's DeJesus crashing into a Geico sign.

He then, exploded into flames, and was engulfed in a fiery ball.  

 

Fortunately, the Cubs hottest hitter, Nate Schierholtz, who hit his 9th homerun in the first last night, is also a volunteer fireman, and he instructed Darwin Barney (1 for 4), to spit sunflower seeds on the flaming DeJesus.  

The fire was put out promptly by the seeds, and DeJesus walked off the field under his own power hanging his head in shame, while Dale Sveum itched a hemorrhoid.

Suspicious Cubs fans were quick to react on Twitter last night, speculating that this "fiery crash" into a Geico sign, was actually a new form of advertising, deployed by the Rickett's family to provide another revenue stream for the team.  Progressive Insurance, and their peppily annoying, red pubed spokeswoman, Flo, has been seen at Cubs' Corporate offices in recent days, reportedly to negotiate a subliminal advertising deal with the Cubs to bring down rival Geico.  What better way than with a fiery crash into a Geico sign? 

The media attention immediately turned to other Cubs' players, wondering who on the team would "go down" next in order to spend time on the DL.  Rumor has it, that projects are in the works for Starlin Castro to become sickened to the point of "on field vomiting", by "Miracle Grow" during the upcoming series in Oakland in order to promote Cubs sponsor "Scotts Turf Builder", and to spend more time with his "girlfriend", exotic dancer 'Wild Wanda'.  While Alfonso Soriano has reportedly agreed to be killed by the Toyota sign over the left field bleachers in order to get away from his 4 rambunctious kids and jealous wife, and to promote the new Ford Focus, a recent sponsor of the Cubs. 

 The sign is scheduled to fall and fatally wound Soriano during a September 4th afternoon game against Miami to minimize fan casualties, as attendance is expected to be sparse.  

Tom Ricketts recently said in an interview that never actually happened, that in order to put a winner on the field, the team needs to explore other more unconventional ways to make money.  In addition to the concerts, football and hockey games held at Wrigley Field, the Cubs are also considering a massage parlor in the batters eye, growing marijuana in the bullpens, and in the off season, possibly setting fire to the entire structure for the insurance money and moving the team to Rosemont.  "We have to explore all avenues" Ricketts didn't really say. "Baseball is a business, and I'm a billionaire!"  He then laughed maniacally for 21 minutes and passed out in a giant pile of rubies he keeps next to his desk.  Though that didn't really happen.  

With the 2013 trade deadline looming, and a general malaise hanging over the team, now seems like the perfect time to put the Cubs unconventional renovation plans into effect.  Throughout the year, we will most likely see more strange injuries like the one to DeJesus last night.  Who will it be next?  Time will tell.  But this is how a Championship Team is built.  With Money.  Lot's and lot's of money.  As some guy one time once said, "Can't Make an Omelette Without Breaking a Few Eggs." Raw eggs don't taste very good, but omelettes are delicious.  

Cubs Beat Rockies; No Wave at Wrigley!

You may find this hard to believe, but the Cubs are actually a .500 ball club in May.  It was law enforcement appreciation night at Wrigley, and Shark Samardzija was enforcing the laws of pitching, giving up 2 runs over 8 innings for his second win of the year.  No meltdowns, no extra pressure put on himself, causing stupid mistakes, just good solid pitching.  Shark even hit a 2 run homer to help his own cause.  Yes, the Cubs were firing on all cylinders last night, and are a much better team than their 17-23 record illustrates.  As far as the hitting went, Rizzo, Castro and DeJesus all had 2 hit games,  and DeJesus hit a homerun to lead off the Cubs 1st. The Cubs scored 6 runs, and won the game 6-3, and it was  especially helpful to have the extra run padding, as Kevin "goggles" Gregg gave up a run in the 9th on 2 hits, and also committed an error.  So the game ended with the tying run at the plate.  Never a good thing when you're a Cubs fan.

The only thing I didn't like to see, besides two bad base running plays by Rizzo and Valbuena, was the throngs of morons doing the damned wave at Wrigley.  I sat down on my bleacher seat every time the damned wave came around.  Don't you out of town, non game watching bro's and ho's, understand that at Wrigley Field, we don't do the wave.  I know this may come as a surprise to some of you strapping Iowa farm boys who grew up in a town where ears of corn outnumber the people 999999999999999999999999 to 1, but we don't do the wave at Wrigley Field.  If you don't believe me, just start typing into Google, "No Wave at...." and automatically, it completes as "Wrigley".  Why is this you ask?  You think the Wave is fun?  Well.  You're an idiot.  Fun is drinking beer and watching baseball.  Not standing up and down in order.  For a little history about why we don't do the wave, I can pretty much pinpoint it to 1984, when the wave was just getting going as a phenomena.  The Cubs won the first two games at Wrigley, and then went to San Diego and lost the next 3, all the while, the Insipid Padres fans did the wave.  True story.  If you don't believe me.  Next time you're at Wrigley ask an old lady.  She'll tell ya.  No Wave.  The Wave is reserved for domed stadiums and astroturf.  Not to mention, how do you think people in wheelchairs feel when the wave comes around?  You insensitive fools....

I'm sure Lou Sears and I will talk about it on the next podcast.  There is also a great interview with a Wrigley first timer  from the improv olympics, and a hilarious exchange from last night's game, when I ask a girl who's 27th birthday was being held in my section of the left field bleachers if she knew what the score was....she didn't...and last night, being law enforcement appreciation night, there was a a dude with a gun sitting in the bleachers, who was asked to see his permit....such excitement....

Now let's talk about those bad base running plays.  Rizzo was standing on second, when a ball was hit to 3rd.  Rizzo holds up, and the third baseman fakes a throw to first, and Rizzo takes off for 3rd and is easily tagged out.  I like that the Cubs are aggressive on the base paths, but seriously, wait until he throws the ball next time Rizz?  Also, Luis Valbuena who started stealing second, but thought the batter at the plate, Navarro had walked was thrown out at second in a strike em out, throw em out double play.  Not cute Luis.  First of all, why are you looking to see what happened.  Just run to second and slide.  That's your freaking job.  Valbuena looked in at home plate as if to say..."but I thought he walked!".  Well, he didn't and you looked foolish.

Alright!  What's on tap?  My second favorite team comes to town...the New York Mets!  And unfortunately on Friday our very own Edwin Jackson 1-6, 6.02 will face their ace pitcher Matt Harvey 4-0, 1.44.  The Mets are a worse team than the Cubs 14-23, but I don't have a lot of hope for Friday's game.  Hey!  Maybe Harvey's due for a clunky start!  Let's hope!  Either way, I'll be there, with some family....and Lou Sears and I will be at the game Saturday.....

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Here are some pics from this series!