Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

http://www.sonranto.com

Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

http://www.sonranto.com

Cubs' DeJesus Explodes in Fiery Wall Crash; Wins!

When I was in little league, if I screwed up a play, I would act as if some injury caused me to miss the ball, when in actuality, it was a lack of basic skill coupled with clumsiness that had far earlier ruined my chance of athletic success.  That was NOT the case last night with David DeJesus, who knocked in what proved to be the game winner, with a bases clearing, 3 run triple, in the Cubs 6-3 win against the NY Mets.  He then crashed into a wall, exploded into flames, and will now be on the disabled list, for how long? Nobody knows yet.  

Here's DeJesus crashing into a Geico sign.

He then, exploded into flames, and was engulfed in a fiery ball.  

 

Fortunately, the Cubs hottest hitter, Nate Schierholtz, who hit his 9th homerun in the first last night, is also a volunteer fireman, and he instructed Darwin Barney (1 for 4), to spit sunflower seeds on the flaming DeJesus.  

The fire was put out promptly by the seeds, and DeJesus walked off the field under his own power hanging his head in shame, while Dale Sveum itched a hemorrhoid.

Suspicious Cubs fans were quick to react on Twitter last night, speculating that this "fiery crash" into a Geico sign, was actually a new form of advertising, deployed by the Rickett's family to provide another revenue stream for the team.  Progressive Insurance, and their peppily annoying, red pubed spokeswoman, Flo, has been seen at Cubs' Corporate offices in recent days, reportedly to negotiate a subliminal advertising deal with the Cubs to bring down rival Geico.  What better way than with a fiery crash into a Geico sign? 

The media attention immediately turned to other Cubs' players, wondering who on the team would "go down" next in order to spend time on the DL.  Rumor has it, that projects are in the works for Starlin Castro to become sickened to the point of "on field vomiting", by "Miracle Grow" during the upcoming series in Oakland in order to promote Cubs sponsor "Scotts Turf Builder", and to spend more time with his "girlfriend", exotic dancer 'Wild Wanda'.  While Alfonso Soriano has reportedly agreed to be killed by the Toyota sign over the left field bleachers in order to get away from his 4 rambunctious kids and jealous wife, and to promote the new Ford Focus, a recent sponsor of the Cubs. 

 The sign is scheduled to fall and fatally wound Soriano during a September 4th afternoon game against Miami to minimize fan casualties, as attendance is expected to be sparse.  

Tom Ricketts recently said in an interview that never actually happened, that in order to put a winner on the field, the team needs to explore other more unconventional ways to make money.  In addition to the concerts, football and hockey games held at Wrigley Field, the Cubs are also considering a massage parlor in the batters eye, growing marijuana in the bullpens, and in the off season, possibly setting fire to the entire structure for the insurance money and moving the team to Rosemont.  "We have to explore all avenues" Ricketts didn't really say. "Baseball is a business, and I'm a billionaire!"  He then laughed maniacally for 21 minutes and passed out in a giant pile of rubies he keeps next to his desk.  Though that didn't really happen.  

With the 2013 trade deadline looming, and a general malaise hanging over the team, now seems like the perfect time to put the Cubs unconventional renovation plans into effect.  Throughout the year, we will most likely see more strange injuries like the one to DeJesus last night.  Who will it be next?  Time will tell.  But this is how a Championship Team is built.  With Money.  Lot's and lot's of money.  As some guy one time once said, "Can't Make an Omelette Without Breaking a Few Eggs." Raw eggs don't taste very good, but omelettes are delicious.  

We Got Marmoled!

We were Marmoled once again yesterday at the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field.  What can you say about a pitcher who gives up 2 walks, hits a batter, and doesn't record a single out?  The Cubs were leading 4-2, when Marmol strode to the mound in his former inning of glory, the 8th.  He then proceded to singlehandedly lose the game for the Cubs with a performance that can only be described as horrific.  Now, I admit I am a boo-er, but I reserve my booing for opposing teams, umpires, and lack of effort on behalf of the Cubs.  I never saw the point in booing your own player who is obviously not sucking on purpose.  We want him to perform well the next time right?  What if a bunch of people came to your job and booed you as you tried to organize a spread sheet?  What if when you walked to work in the morning, people yelled "You Suck!".  I doubt any of us have the capacity to perform well under these circumstances,  So why do we expect it from our ballplayers?  I'm familiar with the counter argument.  "Hey!  These guys get paid millions of dollars to play a kids game, they can handle a little booing."  I certainly don't know what it's like to be a millionaire, but I do know that having more or less money doesn't make you any less human.  So fans, as much as I'd like to boo Marmol, we shouldn't, because unless the Cubs find someone stupid enough to take him, he's our guy.  Now Dale Sveum on the other hand should be booed, and booed heartily.

Since taking the helm in Chicago, Mr Sveum has presided over talented players that have performed incredibly poorly.  This is a young Cubs team with a relatively young and inexperienced manager in Sveum.  Mr. Sveum has had success as a coach for other teams, winning it all with the Red Sox in 2004, and taking the Brewers to the playoffs as interim manager in 2008.  However, his only full year as manager was last year, 2012, and the Cubs lost 101 games for one of the worst finishes in team history.  The Cubs lost 103 games in 1962 and 1966.  So please tell me Wonderboy Epstein, and Mr. "My Family is named after a disease" Ricketts, what sense does it make to have an inexperienced manager, training inexperienced players?  Oh yeah, maybe because we have an inexperienced owner, and a one hit wonder from Boston running the show!  Theo did win a World Championship for the Red Sox 2 years after taking the helm, but he's not magic!  That team was already built for the most part when he took the helm.  That Red Sox team was about the right mix of guys and chemistry.  The superstars were already there.  Pedro Martinez.  Manny Ramirez.  Johnny Damon.  As far as I can tell, David Ortiz was probably Theo's best signing ever, and that was 10 years ago! But Big Papi and Theo didn't win the World Series.  The Red Sox did, with a mix of young blood, future Hall of Famers, and wily veterans.  Can you name one Chicago Cub today who you imagine will be in the Hall of Fame someday?  We can hope for guys like Rizzo and Castro to keep hitting, but they are by no means dominant players at this point in their career.  So the Red Sox get Big Papi and who do we get?  Scott Fucking Hairston who's batting .108 and pretty much only plays against leftys.  What else has the boy genius Epstein done?   DeJesus?  Edwin 0-4 Jackson?  Who?!?  Nobody.  That's who.  The Chicago Cubs have no great players.  None.  Who do you blame?

How about Tom Ricketts?  The typical rich fuck who thinks he can just hire some sniveling, privileged, silver spoon sucking wonderkid, and put together a championship.  Did anyone see Spiderman on Broadway?  It sucks.  U2 Wrote the music, Julie Taymore, a Tony Award winning director, conceived of the script, and It became a case of the Emporer wears no clothes.  All these talented, famous people couldn't bring themselves to tell each other that their ideas were not cohesive, and they had no real plot for their characters to live through.   They just assumed it was going to work because of their past successes.  So the producers threw millions of dollars at the production which was quite spectacular with the Green Goblin and Spiderman performing aerial stunts over the audience.  But it was all just bells and whistles.  The music sounded like U2's B sides, and was completely untheatrical.  While the conceived plot was virtually non existant and difficult to follow.  The producers kept throwing good money after bad, until Taymore was finally canned.  I see Tommy Ricketts doing the same thing.  Throwing money around on scoreboards to advertise at us, and hotels so his family can remain in the top 1 percent of the 1 percent and basically live off the Cubs forever.  I agree with most of the changes he's proposed,  But when are we going to see a fucking team on the field capable of winning?  I for one am frustrated as hell about it.  Ricketts is like one of those spiderman producers who just bought a bunch of nothing and keeps trying to sell it to us.  Hell.  I keep buying it.  I've only missed 3 home games this year.  But that also gives me the right to complain about it!

So where does the blame lie?  Booooooooo!  Tom Ricketts!  Boooooooooo! Theo Epstein!!!  Boooooooooo!  Dale Sveum!!!!!

But leave poor Carlos Marmol alone.  He can't help that he sucks now.

Well...I gotta go....game time in an hour, and I'll be there....ready to Booooooooooooooo........

Me and the Cubs Need a Day

Let me tell you a little something about myself.  I'm an addict.  And one of the main substances I'm addicted to is Cubs Baseball.  But me and the boys in blue need a day off.  After this last 4 game series with the Padres, I feel like a junkie coming off a bender.  Got high with a win Monday night, came down hard with a blow out loss on Tuesday with a little whiskey chaser.   Wednesday, woke up feeling surprisingly strong, because at least Tuesday's whiskey helped me sleep, and won the game handily with sheer force of adrenaline.  But Thursday afternoon, I was out of gas, and just needed two days of laying on the couch, and came up short in a sloppy loss where I never got it quite together.  Yes, this was the roller coaster week of your 2013 Chicago Cubs.  A team that's always a brick short of a load, and a dollar short of a dream.  A team that is like an old 1983 Chevy Malibu, where 2 spark plugs have been replaced, but the 4 others are misfiring.  When we have great pitching, we can't hit or field.  When we hit, the bullpen blows it late.

This Chevy is gonna get a new paint job with a renovated stadium, but the interior is full of cigarette burns, and you can't roll down the back window because it's taped up with duck tape.  The damn thing has an 8 track player too, but unfortunately Saturday Night Fever is stuck in there, and if you hear one more falsetto voice singing, you might just drive the damn car off the bridge.  It's definitely time for a new car.  Not a new stadium mind you, but a new attitude from the fans.  We can't sit here and take last place lying down.  Management has to get off their luxury boxed asses, and put a team on the field we can always be proud of.  On the Cubs off years. they should finish no lower than 3rd place.  Period.  End of Story.  It's frustrating to hear all these plans of a scoreboard, hotel, and revenue generating advertising, yet no talk of "WE ARE IN LAST PLACE!" Are you going to buy the best team in the majors with the new money?  Or will you be content to have Cubs Fans come to Wrigley just enjoy the largest bar in Chicago and forget about the baseball team.  Granted, Wrigley needs help, just to preserve   the place for future generations.  But how about the team?

Yesterday's passed ball by Wellington Castillo that tied the game was made worse by a severe lack of hustle.  He said he felt like he lost us the game.  Well.  He did.  I agree.  The Cubs have missers.  Not Catchers.   We lead the league in Wild Pitches, and are 2nd in passed balls.  Some of those wild pitches should have been handled by our Misser.  We must have lost at least 2 games on these extra outs and bases taken.  Other costly errors by Castro must have cost us at least 2 more games.  This is a .500, 3rd place ballcub.  But they don't play the game right, and it's killing us.  That to me says management is the problem.  If Castillo isn't benched today for lack of hustle, I don't know what a benchable offense is.  I don't care if he's hitting over .300.  His job is catcher.  His job is to catch the damn ball, and if he misses it, to at least run after it as quickly as possible.

So management!  Are you listening?  There are gonna be about 4000 people at rain soaked Wrigley this afternoon because the team sucks and it's crappy outside.  I can't even get a Stub Hub ticket for a 1:20 start after 7:20 in the morning, because your greedy asses opted out of Stub Hub and now need a 6 hour window to buy cheap last minute tix for this last place team.  I would have maybe gone too and drank your crappy 8$ beers, but instead, I'll just stay home.  Because the Cubs and I, we need a day away from each other.  It's a long season, and just like any addiction, some days it's just about maintenance at the methadone clinic, and other days, we get the real shit and take the great with the awful.  See you tomorrow Cubbies.  Me and Lou Sears got free box seats!