Cubs Forego Human Manager; Hire Manager-O-Tron 6000

In a move that has shocked baseball purists, the Chicago Cubs announced Wednesday that in lieu of hiring a new human manager to replace disgraced outgoing skipper, Dale Sveum, they will be pursuing an ongoing partnership with Gateway computers and their latest creation the "Manager-O-Tron 6000",  commonly referred to as the "MOT-6"

Given the Cubs recent emphasis on baseball analytics, and the implementation of "instant replay" and "managerial challenges", which begin next season, Theo Epstein, the Cubs President said Wednesday, "It's time to think ahead for the Chicago Cubs.  Managers are generally old and grouchy, some of them smell terrible, and they have annoying dietary restrictions and special travel needs which are time consuming and expensive.  Sabermetric analysis has proven that managers generally win or lose between 3-5 games a year for their team, while the Manager-O-Tron 6000, has been shown in clinical studies to provide at least an 8 game positive swing for even the worst of ball clubs, such as the one the Cubs are currently fielding."  Epstein added.  "We consider ourselves pioneers in using modern technology to improve the mediocre product on the field and the game of baseball.  With our partners at Gateway, we hope to inspire MLB to consider the use of Robot Umpires, Virtual Foul Poles, and 'Green' concession stands, powered by Fan's clapping.   The Mot 6 is another step  in modernizing our beloved past time."

The Mot 6 is designed to not only make game time decisions, such as player substitutions, when to hit and run, or bring the outfield in a step, but the Mot 6 bases these decisions on the players themselves in real time.  Each Cubs' player must now be microchipped as to provide the MOT 6 with specific data on diet, sleep, exercise, and sexual prowess.  Mental well being of the players is also factored by the Mot 6's ability to monitor hormone levels indicating frustration, sadness, fear, anger and joy.   The Mot 6 then analyzes this data and provides managerial services such as Days off, restaurant recommendations, Escort services, and Pep talks to both the team and individuals, collected from the wealth of inspirational material from around the globe.  If a player is feeling sad, the Mot 6 may quote "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and provide a hopeful onscreen Ziggy comic, or if a player recently had sex, he may be moved up or down in the batting order that day, depending on his performance and emotional confidence levels.  The MOT 6 can also access all major Religious texts and self help books, famous rally speeches from movies, and dirty jokes in 17 languages, to provide the Clubhouse with a comfortable, dynamic and customizable player experience. 

Much to the delight of Umpires, who often times spend minutes of every game deciphering the illegibly shaky handwriting of detoxing Managers, the Manager-O-Tron 6000 has the ability to improve daily managerial tasks, such as printing it's own daily lineup sheets based upon the most favorable matchups, complete with a variety of fonts and emoticons.

However, the MOT 6 is predicted to also be thorn in the side of MLB Umpires.  Having the ability to insult each umpire uniquely based upon his history of blown calls and personal information, such as Mothers name and DUI arrest record, all while using facial recognition software to know when it's pushed the official too far in order to not be thrown out of the game, make the Mot 6 the most effective arguer in baseball.  However, when data suggests it would inspire the team and crowd to be booted from a game, The Mot 6 has the ability to kick dirt on an umpires shoes to not only be ousted, but to clean out the Mot 6's cooling fans from dust and debris.  This "self cleaning" manager is a far cry from sponge baths demanded by Mike Quade, or Lou Piniella's daily pedicures.  

"It just makes sense for us." Epstein said. "The Mot 6 is efficient verbally at conveying the teams message at press conferences.  Never saying "Look", "Well", or "You Know" incessantly like managers past. It's been programmed to stir up controversy when fan's interest wanes throughout the season by tweeting inappropriate comments about a players wife.  And it doesn't eat anything!" Epstein added, "If I could field a team of Mot 6's I would!  But we're not there yet...."

We're not there yet indeed.  The St. Louis Cardinals have filed a protest with MLB, complaining that the Mot 6 flies in the face of their ability to constantly hire talented human managers who lead them to championships.  They argue a Robo-Manager amounts to nothing more than cheating and a money saving gimmick to make a mediocre team, watchable.  

MLB has the final say in the matter, but Theo Epstein already has a plan B.  Epstein said, "If Baseball won't allow a Computer manager, the solution is simple and lucrative.  Fans would pay millions of dollars over the course of the year to be manager for a day.  We would still use Mot 6 for every day clubhouse operations and team issues, but the millions generated by middle aged men living out their boyhood fantasy by managing the Cubs for a day, would be enough to buy 12 year old talent from the Dominican Republic, and build the team until 2030 for contracts as low as 35,000 and a milk cow."  

Is the Mot 6 the Jackie Robinson for Robots in baseball?  Or the Steam drill to John Henry's human sledgehammer.  Either way, the Mot 6 is here, and the currently acting manager of the Chicago Cubs.

May God have mercy on our souls.

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In Defense of Kevin Gregg (Or Why I Hate Yuppies)

It's a little tough for me to defend Kevin Gregg after sitting in Wrigley Field during the 9th inning and watching him blow the game by giving up 4 runs to the cocky Braves, who's racist fans were tomahawk chopping their way to yet another successful year.  Sure, I guess it's Gregg's fault we lost the game yesterday, but he's been infinitely better than any of us would have imagined when we heard he was signed off the scrap heap in April.  He's notched 32 saves and, until yesterday, had a sub 3 ERA.  These stats for a last place team, that often times puts him into the game in "non-save" situations, such as yesterday's tie game.  This year, he's taken the ball professionally, and not only saved half our wins, even though he didn't even join the team until the 3rd week of the season, and he "saved" us from  watching a year of Marmol meltdowns and closer by committee.  

Now to call what Gregg said yesterday a "rant" or a "blast" of Cubs management is overstating the matter considerably.  All he said was that after a conversation with Dale Sveum a few days ago, Gregg felt he was out as closer, and not part of the Cubs' future plans.  Apparently they want to try out Strop in the closers role.  The worst thing Gregg said was "I expected to be treated a little bit better than this. They can treat their players how they want. Unfortunately we are under their control. It is not necessarily how I would have done it, but they have to do things the way they want it."  He said this all calmly and articulately, and seemed only disappointed in managements decision to "move forward" or "go in a different direction".  He wasn't angry or shouting.  This was by no means a rant.  

Anyone that's ever heard the Dale Sveum show with Keith Moreland pre game on WGN, knows that Dale is not the most articulate man on the planet.  He may have a decent baseball brain, (though you'd be hard pressed to find an example demonstrating that over the last two seasons), but listening to Keith and Dale talk reminds me of Hank Hill and his cronies leaning up against a pickup talking about propane in Fox's King of the Hill.  Dale says "ya know", and much as Lou Piniella said "Look" during press conferences.  *On a side note, if I hear Keith say "innersting" one more time, I may just jump out onto the field dressed as Morganna the Kissing bandit at the final home game, having been driven mad by his poor diction.  (sorry, needed to get that off my chest).  

Dale has a knack for stating the obvious, like if Rizzo strikes out with the bases loaded and 1 out, Dale will say something like, "well, we've got to get better in those situations".  Duh!!!  You can barely hear him at his press conferences because he mumbles, and his general Hokey-Do "Aww shucks" demeanor may keep the clubhouse calm, but it certainly doesn't result in an aura of success, or confidence that this is the mastermind who will "win it all" for the long suffering Cubs' fans.  Nor, do I think Dale is a particularly impactful man, given that Robin Yount once mistook him for a duck and shot him in the head.

Given Gregg's post "rant" apology, where Dale and Theo explained the situation more clearly to him, it becomes obvious that the "situation" was not explained to Gregg well in the first place.  In other words, Dale Sveum led Kevin Gregg to believe that he was not a part of the Cubs organization's plans, even though he had a really good comeback year.  This is probably true, and perfectly fine with me, but why this couldn't wait until after the season is beyond me.  When you define a guys job as "closer" and then take it away from him, thus diminishing his value both as a free agent and from a personal human standpoint, well, don't be surprised when there's a bit of blowback.  And it was just a bit.  Imagine your boss coming up to you and saying, listen, you've been great, but you're fired, and only 9 days before vacation!  Add to that, Sveum's mumbling, unmasterful command of the English language, and you've got yourself a misunderstanding!

Now Theo Epstein, who reportedly was hopping mad after learning of Gregg's "tirade", immediately called Gregg and Sveum together for a meeting, at which Gregg was "scared straight" into toeing the company line.  Gregg ran to to the press room and immediately apologized publicly for his comments.  Epstein is young and successful, or at least he was successful until he came to Chicago.  He's the kind of guy I'd probably dislike if I met him because he thinks he's so damned smart.  He just looks like a wall street hot shot who got rich on a penny stock once and now thinks he's Warren Buffet.  My punk rock heritage has carried me into midlife with a healthy skepticism and "Die Yuppie Scum" still lingering on the tip of my tongue, so take what I say with a grain of salt.  

Of course I hope the new "Cubs Way" results in a championship for the Northsiders, but I am not one of the faithful who will drink the Kool-aid until I see results on the field.  No player does or should play this game in order for the front office to get higher draft picks.  And though the Cubs farm system definitely seems juiced after dumping every player anybodies ever heard of by the trade deadline, I need to see at least a .500 season before I can declare the "Boy Wonder" Epstein anything but a guy who happened to catch the timing right in Boston.  "The Cubs Way" has ruined Starlin Castro's natural talent, signed the weak hitting Rizzo until the end of the decade, and called Jeff Samar249ry2ifu their ace, despite an 8-12 record and a 4.42 ERA.  Yes, the core of the "2016 World Champion Chicago Cubs" seems to be lacking in well....a core....

This situation with Kevin Gregg reinforces my perception that Theo is nothing more than a sniveling rich kid who can't be criticized by his underlings with out getting his underpants in a knot.  He wasn't even criticized!  Or at least barely criticized.  Gregg only said he wished the situation had been handled better.  But Theo immediately knee jerked and talked about releasing Gregg, just to prove a point.  What point is that?  Obviously, it's I own you, and if you say anything against me, no matter how trifling, you're out.  Epstein can't even muster the same respect he demands of his players, publicly musing about the fate of Kevin Gregg's job, while Gregg himself must stay quiet and run "tail between legs" back to the press in order to save his own hide.  I find Theo's actions even less professional than Gregg's!   Theo said he'd "sleep on it" as to whether Gregg would face disciplinary action.  So great!  If Gregg IS still on the team this afternoon, and not DFA'd, he will have to do it without any sleep.  Not that he would have slept anyway given his horrible performance yesterday.  But to have this yuppie wonderboy "sleeping on it" (on a 25,000 canopy sleigh bed no doubt) as to whether you have a job tomorrow is indicative as to the cultural stranglehold Epstein hopes to have over this organization.  Who does he think he is?  George Steinbrenner?  In other Epstein news, the press has been a a titter this week about the future of Dale Sveum, which Theo telegraphed at least an indifference to Dale's performance and future as the Cubs' manager, then quickly backtracked in order to instill confidence in the manager who has led us to two basement finishes.  As I see it, Mr Loose Lips Epstein is demanding something of his players he can't even do himself.  That is the definition of poor management.

I don't pretend to know what goes on behind closed doors.  It's easy to forget that these are human beings with real emotions, goals, and dreams.  I'm certain Kevin Gregg felt as if he was being demoted, and it hurt his feelings.  He blamed his performance yesterday on it, and I'm not sure he's wrong.  Team culture is hard to put your finger on, and it seems the best teams have a healthy mix of stars, vets, and hotshot rookies.  The Cubs currently have none of those elements.  The best thing I've seen Theo and company do, besides beef up the minor league teams, is get good production out of a platooned third base position, and successfully pick up "watchable" players off of the Major League scrap heap.  I personally don't think an inexperienced and inarticulate manager is the answer for inexperienced players.  But who am I but a knowledgeable fan at best? If Gregg didn't understand the situation, that's on Sveum.  He's the manager. And as far as Theo goes, practice what you preach.  In sports you're only as good as the last thing you did, and the last thing the Cubs are going to do this year, is play two teams who are going to clinch the playoffs against them.  The Braves, likely today or tomorrow, and The Cardinals in the last series of the season.  It's been a frustrating year for Cubs' fans, to state the obvious, and it's going to to be a long, cold, dark off-season in Chicago.  Unfortunately for Kevin Gregg, the off season might have just gotten a little longer and darker.  

Update: Kevin Gregg on the team until next Sunday.  Guess Scrooge McDuck got the Christmas spirit....

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Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

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Why the Cubs Should Keep Soriano

When Alfonso Soriano was signed to an 8 year, 136 million dollar contract before the 1987 season, I was personally thrilled that the Cubs were playing the money game like the Yankees who are consistently stocked with talent, and always in the playoff mix.  I thought to myself, "Finally! We can field a team of superstars!".  Little did I know that the Soriano of 2007, would see a great drop off in numbers from the previous, 46 homer 41 stolen base, year, hitting 13 less homers and stealing 22 less bags, never again to return to the 2006 player that wowed everyone and garnered a huge contract.  Yes, for 136 million the Cubs could have received the production of 2 Sorianos!  

For the first few years of his bloated Cubs contract, his defense was shoddy, his hustle was abysmal, and he was injured for the first time in his career.  We all watched him hobble on his shot knees in the summers of 2008 and 9, finally requiring surgery.  We watched his batting average dip from around .300 to the mid 200's, his running game become nearly non existent, and his power drop off from his pre-Cub days, at least 10-15 homers per season.  All this from a defensive wild card, and an aloof personality.  But then something changed....

When Soriano came back from his knee surgery, it was as if a small fire had been lit under his butt.  He renewed his commitment to being a great player again.  He worked on his defense and got better.  He hustled.  He hit home runs again (32 last year), and he started stealing bases again (10 so far this year).  Most importantly, he started having fun playing baseball, and it shows!  

I go to a ton of Cub's games, both at Wrigley and on the road.  When I'm at Wrigley, I prefer the fence leaning seats in Terrace reserved on either side of the stadium, but when I'm on the road, I like to sit by Soriano.  It all started because of a traveling companion and lover who is hot for Soriano.  She basically likes to sit behind him and check out his butt for three hours.  But it's more than that!  On the road, Soriano gives steely stares to opposing, jeering fans.  He dances to the other team's walk up music, and most importantly he's a conducts himself as a professional, and he looks like a star.  Regardless of his numbers, he has the "it" factor and he's fun to watch. Unlike Rizzo's mooky hunkiness, and Castro's slick boyish look, Soriano's a real man.  He's a vet and he commands attention, even though his numbers don't deserve 18 million this year and next.  He will be 38 years old during the last year of his contract next year, and with the Cubs going the "youth movement way", (Rizzo and Castro are both 23), they could really use a veteran to look up to.  The Soriano of 6 years ago would NOT have been the man to be a leader to these youngsters, but the Soriano of today is perfect for that job.  I hope they keep him around.  Not just for his bat,  but for who he is.

Now, I'm not an idiot.  The Cubs have kept many fan favorites around too long just because they were popular.  Even Ryne Sandberg probably should have been traded after 1993, because he was injured for a whole year, and his production dropped off considerably through 1997.  What if the Cubs could have gotten a few prospects for him?  Would the 90's have been any different for the North Side?  So yeah, if we can get some great future stars, sure, trade Soriano, let him have a chance to return to New York, where he started.  So many people still love him there.  I lived in NYC for 18 years, and the gas station where I usually took my car, had a "Soriano Way" Yankees street sign hanging up, a decade after being a Yankee.  I lived in a Dominican neighborhood, and he was still a fan favorite, even years after being on the team.  Do you know who else's favorite player he is?  My 7 year old and 5 year old niece's.  And my girlfriends.  And mine.  

Theo and Jed are gonna do what they're gonna do.  They're looking into the future and trying to trade their way to a lean, mean, and very young super nova that will win the World Series sometime in the next 5 years.  They are the wonder boys after all, and we have to as fans, at least trust the process.  If it doesn't work, it'll be the same story as always, and we can look forward to another lost decade.  But if it does work, and the Cubs are constant contenders under the helm of the new Cubs brass, there will be nothing but rejoicing on the North Side.  The Cubs will get young, and stay young, and its true, there's no room for Soriano in that equation.  But I for one hope that Soriano at least plays out his contract in Chicago.  He's not really blocking anyone except maybe now, Junior Lake, who has hit the majors like a storm, who's batting .529 in his first 4 games, and hit his first major league homer last night.  But what of the intangibles of veteran leadership?  Soriano, for better or worse, fills that role, all while remaining a fan favorite.  The bleacher bums love him!  Chicagoan's resist change, the Cubs have choked for 100 plus years, so yeah, it's time to try something different.  But can't it wait one more year?  Especially since it's projected the Cubs will have to eat most of the money anyway in any trade?  Keep Soriano around for his bright white smile, his sweet swing, and his 'new found' commitment to greatness.  

So Alfonso Soriano, if I've seen you play your last game as a Cub, thanks for the memories.  I've booed you, cheered you, and laughed at and with you.  I've sung the bunny hop song when you caught fly balls.  I've cheered you in Spanish and English.  We've shared smiles, and danced together to walk up music.  And hopefully, the next time I see you it will still be in a Cubs uniform, and I can tell my niece, "Hey look! It's Alfonso Soriano!"  Her eyes will light up, and she'll fall in love with baseball, and an aging Cub, just like I did when Andre Dawson hit 49 dingers for the last place Cubs in 1987, and Ryne Sandberg grew a handsome mustache.  So, keep Soriano!  Unless of course you can get something great for him worth 18 million smackers.

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Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

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2015 Cubs Off Day Blues

The Cubs have managed to win the last 3 series!  There's something I haven't said all year.  Fortunately, there was a lull in the schedule, and we faced 3 teams worse than the Chicago Cubs.  The Astros, Brewers, and Mariners.  We now sit 10 games under .500, 1 game away from the halfway point, and with the trade deadline looming, and key players expected to depart Chicago for prospects and cash, the future doesn't look so bright.  Or does it?  Oh yeah....2015....

Except for one game against the WhiteSox, the Cubs don't face a single bad team this month, until Milwaukee comes in for 4 the last 3 days of July (double header).  With Sweeney and DeJesus on the shelf, Marmol off the team, and the rest of the offensive regulars underperforming, what will stop the Cubs from scuffling the rest of the way?  The bullpen, except Kevin Gregg, already looks shot, and we're not even half way through the season!  Kevin Gregg will be gone soon anyway, and then who will close?  Russel?  Then who's the lefty?  Fujikawa's getting the Tommy John.  And with Garza and Feldman on the trading block, who will start?  Who will be the long reliever when Carlos Villanueva comes back to the rotation?  Soooo many questions.  No answers.  Oh yeah....2015....

Recently, Theo Epstein has come out in recent support of Sveum and his management skills, saying we've put an imperfect team on the field, and it's not his fault.  Then whose fault is it boy wonder?  Oh yeah...yours! Your big free agent signing has been a bust so far in Edwin Jackson.  And even though Schierholtz and Sweeney, fill in signings, have performed well, the core of the team in Castro, Barney and Rizzo has underperformed.  What exactly are you building Theo?  Besides a scoreboard and a hotel.  You do realize that in 2015, all bets are off, and those fans who drank the Kool Aid you fed them a year ago, will be demanding a championship, or at least a decent playoff run.  You have a window of opportunity here in Chicago, and it's closing fast Theo.  In 2015....

I am impatient by nature, and I'm not going to pretend putting a winning baseball team together is an easy task.  But so far....meh....I don't see too many glimmers of hope except for starting pitching, and as always, you're an injury away from a huge roster hole.  Especially after trading away any pitching depth and experience we might have.  And Cubs fans have had it!  Wrigley is a great place to see a ball game, but people have stopped showing up because there's nothing to really watch.  There is not a single Cubs hitter who strikes fear in the hearts of the other team.  Not one.  In 1987, at least the last place Cubs had Dawson and Sandberg.  Who do we have now?  A bunch of kids.  And if they don't develop, it's your ass Theo, it really is.  In 2015.

Who will these Cubs be in 2 years?  Will Castro be a .300 hitter?  Will Rizzo hit 40 homers?  Will Darwin Barney bat .270 AND win a Gold Glove?  Will Samardskjbfkeb have 20 wins?  Will Jorger Soler win rookie of the year? All this has to at least come close to happening, in order for the Cubs to make a run at it in 2015.  Everything, and everyone else is a question mark.  Well....Enjoy the second half!  I know I will.....in 2015.....

http://www.sonranto.com

Forget Wrigley! Cubs Need a Renovation!

I took my 7 year old niece to yesterday's 2-1 snooze-fest of a loss.  Before the game, she said she was going to cheer real loud for them, so that they would win.  I said. "good luck with that kid".  And in the 6th inning, when the Reds tied the score at 1-1, I asked my niece, "Hey!  Why aren't you cheering? Now the game's tied!" She replied, "because they're not doing anything.  I have nothing to cheer for."  From the mouths of babes...

Though, Travis Wood had not given up as much as a hit until the 5th inning yesterday, and only gave up 2 runs through 7, The Cubs could only muster 3 hits, including a Nate "trade bait" Schierholtz home run.  Nothing to cheer about indeed.  Well, except the starting pitching.  The Cubs starting pitching ranks 12th in the majors with a 3.82 ERA.  The bullpen, except a few guys like Gregg 0.96 and Russel 1.46 is a different story.  The overall bullpen has a 4.27 ERA and is ranked 26th.  So it's obvious, we need a new bullpen.  We would have won more games if we had a better one, period.  So forget Wrigley, get on the bullpen renovation Theo and Jed.  Soooooo sick of losing.

The main reason for yesterdays loss is obvious.  No hitting.  And it wasn't just yesterday either.  This lack of lumber has been most of the year, except for that week of blowouts against the White Sox.  Hahahaha.  Did you know that the Cubs OBP of .298 is the worse than that the Houston Astros?  Starlin Castro is batting .238 right now. .238!!  Anthony Rizzo hasn't hit a home run since mid May, and of the top 5 batting averages on the team, not one is a regular starter, and one of the top 5, is yesterday's bad luck loser, Travis Wood, a pitcher!  The Met's recently sent down the scuffling prospect Ike Davis, to figure out his hitting troubles in the minors.  The Cubs should do the same with Starlin Castro.

 I remember when the Cubs played the Yankees a few years ago, and they put up a billboard with Starlin Castro on one side, and Derek Jeter on the other.  I thought, oh dear god no, Castro is raw and unproven, how could you put pressure on him like this at such a young age, comparing him to a future HOF'r like Jeter?  Stupid!  I think it might be finally time to come to terms with the fact that Starlin Castro is not as good as we all thought he was.  And he's certainly no Jeter.  He's flailing miserably out there.  Swinging at terrible pitches, striking out 47 times, with only 3 homeruns.  He just looks miserable out there.  Pulling up short, not running hard out of the box.  The fire is gone from his belly, and it's obvious to everyone.  Let him figure it out with the pressure off.  Is he injured?  Does he have the yips?  Whatever the problem, it's getting worse, not better, and needs to be addressed before Castro totally freaks out, and sucks for eternity.  At least let him figure it out enough to trade him.

The Jury is still  out on Rizzo, but I have a bit more hope for him, just because he seems like a smarter ball player than Castro.  However, if I have to watch him ground out weakly to second base one more time, I may just slit my wrists.  Rizzo looks like the new Aaron Miles out there, who was terribly adept at the very same thing.  Making outs.  I wouldn't even mind all the Rizzo strikeouts if he had at least 5 more Homers to go with it.  He's only got 10, and is batting only .248.  Not good enough.  Rizzo's just not totally developed yet, and I can accept that.  For now.

As far as everyone else goes.  Darwin Barney, flat out can't hit.  Great fielder, but he's a .200 hitter.  Let's go get Robby Cano from the Yanks.  Our catchers can't catch.  Welington Castillo leads all catchers in the majors with 7 errors.  And he's not making up for it by only batting .246.  Our third base situation is meh.  Valbuena or Ransom will most likely be traded anyway.  The aging Soriano, an unfortunate fixture in Left, and the highest paid player on the team, is batting .267 with only 7 homers.  But he'll be here, til the contracts done.  Ugh.... And our over all outfield is basically trade bait.

So, as Cub fans, who can we blame for such a lack luster 2013 effort?  What can we hope for out of "future stars" like Baez and Soler if yesterday's "future stars" aren't even panning out?  I know most of you have drank the Kool Aid about this rebuilding thing.  But I remain unconvinced.  Dale Sveum is the wrong choice as manager.  Inexperience managing inexperience.  Stupid.  And Theo and Jed think they know it all, like a hedge fund manager that claims you can't lose money in his mutual fund.   They are young and fool hearty.  Just because they did it in Boston doesn't mean they can do it here.  They aren't magic.  They may not even be that intelligent.  The Cubs general coaching, especially the hitting coaching, has also seemed to turn some of our best hitters into pitch taking, second guessing marshmallows.  Almost everything is wrong with the Cubs.

So what is this hope for the future?  We are getting a scoreboard.  New restaurants.  A farmers market.  A pedestrian Bridge.  Family bathrooms.  Maybe a freakin mascot?  But how bout a new team?  That's what we need......a whole new team.... take it to the bank.

http://www.sonranto.com

We Got Marmoled!

We were Marmoled once again yesterday at the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field.  What can you say about a pitcher who gives up 2 walks, hits a batter, and doesn't record a single out?  The Cubs were leading 4-2, when Marmol strode to the mound in his former inning of glory, the 8th.  He then proceded to singlehandedly lose the game for the Cubs with a performance that can only be described as horrific.  Now, I admit I am a boo-er, but I reserve my booing for opposing teams, umpires, and lack of effort on behalf of the Cubs.  I never saw the point in booing your own player who is obviously not sucking on purpose.  We want him to perform well the next time right?  What if a bunch of people came to your job and booed you as you tried to organize a spread sheet?  What if when you walked to work in the morning, people yelled "You Suck!".  I doubt any of us have the capacity to perform well under these circumstances,  So why do we expect it from our ballplayers?  I'm familiar with the counter argument.  "Hey!  These guys get paid millions of dollars to play a kids game, they can handle a little booing."  I certainly don't know what it's like to be a millionaire, but I do know that having more or less money doesn't make you any less human.  So fans, as much as I'd like to boo Marmol, we shouldn't, because unless the Cubs find someone stupid enough to take him, he's our guy.  Now Dale Sveum on the other hand should be booed, and booed heartily.

Since taking the helm in Chicago, Mr Sveum has presided over talented players that have performed incredibly poorly.  This is a young Cubs team with a relatively young and inexperienced manager in Sveum.  Mr. Sveum has had success as a coach for other teams, winning it all with the Red Sox in 2004, and taking the Brewers to the playoffs as interim manager in 2008.  However, his only full year as manager was last year, 2012, and the Cubs lost 101 games for one of the worst finishes in team history.  The Cubs lost 103 games in 1962 and 1966.  So please tell me Wonderboy Epstein, and Mr. "My Family is named after a disease" Ricketts, what sense does it make to have an inexperienced manager, training inexperienced players?  Oh yeah, maybe because we have an inexperienced owner, and a one hit wonder from Boston running the show!  Theo did win a World Championship for the Red Sox 2 years after taking the helm, but he's not magic!  That team was already built for the most part when he took the helm.  That Red Sox team was about the right mix of guys and chemistry.  The superstars were already there.  Pedro Martinez.  Manny Ramirez.  Johnny Damon.  As far as I can tell, David Ortiz was probably Theo's best signing ever, and that was 10 years ago! But Big Papi and Theo didn't win the World Series.  The Red Sox did, with a mix of young blood, future Hall of Famers, and wily veterans.  Can you name one Chicago Cub today who you imagine will be in the Hall of Fame someday?  We can hope for guys like Rizzo and Castro to keep hitting, but they are by no means dominant players at this point in their career.  So the Red Sox get Big Papi and who do we get?  Scott Fucking Hairston who's batting .108 and pretty much only plays against leftys.  What else has the boy genius Epstein done?   DeJesus?  Edwin 0-4 Jackson?  Who?!?  Nobody.  That's who.  The Chicago Cubs have no great players.  None.  Who do you blame?

How about Tom Ricketts?  The typical rich fuck who thinks he can just hire some sniveling, privileged, silver spoon sucking wonderkid, and put together a championship.  Did anyone see Spiderman on Broadway?  It sucks.  U2 Wrote the music, Julie Taymore, a Tony Award winning director, conceived of the script, and It became a case of the Emporer wears no clothes.  All these talented, famous people couldn't bring themselves to tell each other that their ideas were not cohesive, and they had no real plot for their characters to live through.   They just assumed it was going to work because of their past successes.  So the producers threw millions of dollars at the production which was quite spectacular with the Green Goblin and Spiderman performing aerial stunts over the audience.  But it was all just bells and whistles.  The music sounded like U2's B sides, and was completely untheatrical.  While the conceived plot was virtually non existant and difficult to follow.  The producers kept throwing good money after bad, until Taymore was finally canned.  I see Tommy Ricketts doing the same thing.  Throwing money around on scoreboards to advertise at us, and hotels so his family can remain in the top 1 percent of the 1 percent and basically live off the Cubs forever.  I agree with most of the changes he's proposed,  But when are we going to see a fucking team on the field capable of winning?  I for one am frustrated as hell about it.  Ricketts is like one of those spiderman producers who just bought a bunch of nothing and keeps trying to sell it to us.  Hell.  I keep buying it.  I've only missed 3 home games this year.  But that also gives me the right to complain about it!

So where does the blame lie?  Booooooooo!  Tom Ricketts!  Boooooooooo! Theo Epstein!!!  Boooooooooo!  Dale Sveum!!!!!

But leave poor Carlos Marmol alone.  He can't help that he sucks now.

Well...I gotta go....game time in an hour, and I'll be there....ready to Booooooooooooooo........

Get Out Your Sweep Brooms!

As I sit here 2 hours before game time writing this post, on the verge of winning a 4th straight game against possibly the worst team in the NL, I can't help but hope, and hope hard, that the Cubs can pull this one out and sweep this Marlins team. Why should I care so much about this battle for the basement? Because this Cubs team needs to feel what winning is like. Get used to it. And keep doing it.

The Cubs are to losing what the Yankees are to winning. We are the Lovable Losers. Fans entertain themselves at Wrigley Field whether we win or lose the ball game. We have just as much fun, or at least I do, making fun of this team losing, as reveling in the wins. We have got to change that culture surrounding the team, And expect to win. The players need to do the same. Some of these kids on the team weren't born to watch the Cubs lose in 1984. Many of them were still in grade school in 2003. And there's no reason the Cubs past failures should reflect on the present team. It's all in our head. So lets keep it off the field. And even out of the stands.

I read a recent article where Andre Dawson, one of my boyhood heroes, was quoted as saying that the Cubs need to spend money to win. Everybody knows that. And he's disappointed that this major market team has a payroll half of the Yankees and Dodgers, and even less than the Whitesox. With so many fans nationwide, the Cubs draw well all over the country. Don't we deserve to watch some superstars play? Not to mention the Cubs have the 3rd highest ticket prices in the major leagues. Ricketts has 500 million to spend on a giant advertising screen and some renovations. But not enough dough to buy some decent players for the team. I for one will give them one more year for this "rebuilding" but next year, all bets are off. I want to win.

Andre Dawson and I are right about this. The Cubs need to spend to win. There is no reason they aren't contending now. And there is no reason they shouldn't contend every year. I think we are in the right track with these young guys. But it's hard to know. We spent some dough on Edwin Jackson. But he's been our 4th best starter so far. So of course it's not just about spending money, it's about spending it right. The Cubs have never done that too well. Think Sorianos contract. So we are gonna have to have faith in this wonder boy Theo Epstein. Should we?

Wouldn't it be great if we were buyers at trade deadline? Wouldn't it be great we could sweep the Marlins and Padres and get to .500? Wouldn't it be great if we made a run like the Pirates did last year with a team about the same caliber as our Cubbies?

Lets start by expecting to win. Every day.

Let's sweep dem fish!
Go Cubbies!