Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

http://www.sonranto.com

Why the Cubs Should Keep Soriano

When Alfonso Soriano was signed to an 8 year, 136 million dollar contract before the 1987 season, I was personally thrilled that the Cubs were playing the money game like the Yankees who are consistently stocked with talent, and always in the playoff mix.  I thought to myself, "Finally! We can field a team of superstars!".  Little did I know that the Soriano of 2007, would see a great drop off in numbers from the previous, 46 homer 41 stolen base, year, hitting 13 less homers and stealing 22 less bags, never again to return to the 2006 player that wowed everyone and garnered a huge contract.  Yes, for 136 million the Cubs could have received the production of 2 Sorianos!  

For the first few years of his bloated Cubs contract, his defense was shoddy, his hustle was abysmal, and he was injured for the first time in his career.  We all watched him hobble on his shot knees in the summers of 2008 and 9, finally requiring surgery.  We watched his batting average dip from around .300 to the mid 200's, his running game become nearly non existent, and his power drop off from his pre-Cub days, at least 10-15 homers per season.  All this from a defensive wild card, and an aloof personality.  But then something changed....

When Soriano came back from his knee surgery, it was as if a small fire had been lit under his butt.  He renewed his commitment to being a great player again.  He worked on his defense and got better.  He hustled.  He hit home runs again (32 last year), and he started stealing bases again (10 so far this year).  Most importantly, he started having fun playing baseball, and it shows!  

I go to a ton of Cub's games, both at Wrigley and on the road.  When I'm at Wrigley, I prefer the fence leaning seats in Terrace reserved on either side of the stadium, but when I'm on the road, I like to sit by Soriano.  It all started because of a traveling companion and lover who is hot for Soriano.  She basically likes to sit behind him and check out his butt for three hours.  But it's more than that!  On the road, Soriano gives steely stares to opposing, jeering fans.  He dances to the other team's walk up music, and most importantly he's a conducts himself as a professional, and he looks like a star.  Regardless of his numbers, he has the "it" factor and he's fun to watch. Unlike Rizzo's mooky hunkiness, and Castro's slick boyish look, Soriano's a real man.  He's a vet and he commands attention, even though his numbers don't deserve 18 million this year and next.  He will be 38 years old during the last year of his contract next year, and with the Cubs going the "youth movement way", (Rizzo and Castro are both 23), they could really use a veteran to look up to.  The Soriano of 6 years ago would NOT have been the man to be a leader to these youngsters, but the Soriano of today is perfect for that job.  I hope they keep him around.  Not just for his bat,  but for who he is.

Now, I'm not an idiot.  The Cubs have kept many fan favorites around too long just because they were popular.  Even Ryne Sandberg probably should have been traded after 1993, because he was injured for a whole year, and his production dropped off considerably through 1997.  What if the Cubs could have gotten a few prospects for him?  Would the 90's have been any different for the North Side?  So yeah, if we can get some great future stars, sure, trade Soriano, let him have a chance to return to New York, where he started.  So many people still love him there.  I lived in NYC for 18 years, and the gas station where I usually took my car, had a "Soriano Way" Yankees street sign hanging up, a decade after being a Yankee.  I lived in a Dominican neighborhood, and he was still a fan favorite, even years after being on the team.  Do you know who else's favorite player he is?  My 7 year old and 5 year old niece's.  And my girlfriends.  And mine.  

Theo and Jed are gonna do what they're gonna do.  They're looking into the future and trying to trade their way to a lean, mean, and very young super nova that will win the World Series sometime in the next 5 years.  They are the wonder boys after all, and we have to as fans, at least trust the process.  If it doesn't work, it'll be the same story as always, and we can look forward to another lost decade.  But if it does work, and the Cubs are constant contenders under the helm of the new Cubs brass, there will be nothing but rejoicing on the North Side.  The Cubs will get young, and stay young, and its true, there's no room for Soriano in that equation.  But I for one hope that Soriano at least plays out his contract in Chicago.  He's not really blocking anyone except maybe now, Junior Lake, who has hit the majors like a storm, who's batting .529 in his first 4 games, and hit his first major league homer last night.  But what of the intangibles of veteran leadership?  Soriano, for better or worse, fills that role, all while remaining a fan favorite.  The bleacher bums love him!  Chicagoan's resist change, the Cubs have choked for 100 plus years, so yeah, it's time to try something different.  But can't it wait one more year?  Especially since it's projected the Cubs will have to eat most of the money anyway in any trade?  Keep Soriano around for his bright white smile, his sweet swing, and his 'new found' commitment to greatness.  

So Alfonso Soriano, if I've seen you play your last game as a Cub, thanks for the memories.  I've booed you, cheered you, and laughed at and with you.  I've sung the bunny hop song when you caught fly balls.  I've cheered you in Spanish and English.  We've shared smiles, and danced together to walk up music.  And hopefully, the next time I see you it will still be in a Cubs uniform, and I can tell my niece, "Hey look! It's Alfonso Soriano!"  Her eyes will light up, and she'll fall in love with baseball, and an aging Cub, just like I did when Andre Dawson hit 49 dingers for the last place Cubs in 1987, and Ryne Sandberg grew a handsome mustache.  So, keep Soriano!  Unless of course you can get something great for him worth 18 million smackers.

http://www.sonranto.com

Navarro Hit's 3 Homers as Cubs Win 3rd Straight!

Obviously tired of running hard to try and beat out double plays, Dionner Navarro hit three homers and walked yesterday, to ensure he would have to break into nothing more than a trot throughout Wednesdays blowout 9-3 win over the White Sox.  Honestly, in my 39 years on this god forsaken planet, I don't think I've ever seen a back up catcher hit 3 home runs in a game.  Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I googled it, and though I found a great slideshow from Bleacher Report about unlikely hat trickers of the last decade, not one of them was a back up catcher.  Pretty impressive Navarro.  Even more impressive, is the the Cubs putting up 16 runs against the sox in the last 2 games, as opposed to the total of 17 they scored in 6 games on the last road trip against Reds and Pirates, where they went 1-5.  If you haven't seen my writeup on Bleed Bubbie Blue about my road exploits, check it out here!  It's a good read with great pics!  So, what is it about Sweet Home Chicago that causes the Cubs to actually play decent baseball?  Considering all you hear about how the Club Houses are so terrible at Wrigley, there's no batting cage, or scoreboard, or walk up music, and that's why we lose?  I've got to call BS on that.  The Cubs are batting .275 at home and .222 on the road.   They are 24th in the league in Homers on the road, and 6th at home.  As far as wins and losses go, they are only 3 games better at home than on the road, but that has more to do with errors and the bullpen.  Hey, maybe the players would enjoy a fancier clubhouse with more amenities, but when they have it in newer stadiums like PNC, and Great American, they stink.  Explain.

The Cubs won Monday as well, Jeff Samjenfir3bfrbfrbjrhfi44843 was brilliant, pitching the first complete game shut out of his career. Which in this day and age is a big deal!  I wonder what Fergie Jenkins thinks about all this?  Between 1965 and 1983, he pitched 267 complete games and 49 shutouts.  Plus, he didn't make half as much money as these clowns do today.  But Jeff was "dealing" as our announcers like to say these days, giving up only 2 hits, with the final score at the Cell 7-0.  In this game, Borbon proved the whole lefty/righty platoon thing can be bad strategy,  Going 2-5 with a homer.  Castro, Rizzo, and Soriano all had multi hit games, showing that when these guys hit, we win.  And when they don't we lose.  In other, hitting news, Scott Hairston is now batting over .150.  If Hairston's numbers even out, .263 with 20 homers last year with the Mets, we could be in for quite a show as the weather warms up.

On a side note. Does anyone else notice that when Castro strikes out, or is called out at first base, he throws mini temper tantrums?  My theory is that it's just a show to demonstrate to the fans that he is really trying hard.  It looks put on and fake to me.  I understand the emotion, but every time Starlin?  It's like he's acting out his character on MLB The Show.

And of course every silver lining has a grey cloud....Kyuji Fujikawa is going to have Tommy John surgery, and well, I guess that means we've seen the last of him.  I wonder if Fujikawa even knows who Tommy John is?  I'm sure they call it elbow ligament surgery in Japan, but we like to name our surgery's after people who had the surgery.  How did his interpreter translate?  Fascinating.  I wish I knew the answer.  This might be a question for Muskat on the inside....I'm emailing now.  I do think we should start naming all surgery's after people.  How about the "Kenny Rogers" face lift, women can get their breasts "Jolie'd", and of course, double leg amputation........even I don't want to complete this joke...sorry I made you do it yourself....

Ok!  Check out the new Podcast!  Where Lou Sears and I talk about my treacherous travels around the midwest watching Cubs games in enemy territory.

Today, Jake Peavy takes on Travis Wood at Wrigley.  This should be a great game.  Wish I could be there, but alas, I am in NYC playing the funny songs festival with my band "Bad Teenage Moustache".  Going to the Mets Yankees tonight though.  I hate Yankee Stadium.  The old and the new.  I suppose I would like it more if it weren't full of Yankee fans....but it always is....I always viewed the Cubs as the Anti-Yankees.  One team famous for winning 27 World Championships with baseballs most legendary players, and the other team famous for.....you'll have to complete this joke yourself too.

http://www.sonranto.com

Satan loves the Cubs!

As many of you who troll through Cubs blogs already know, a severed goat head has been delivered to Wrigley Field.  Now, this gruesome discovery could be seen as just some crazy Santeria witch off their meds, but if this was a horned goat head, which the reports are unclear about, the fact of the matter is  The Chicago Cubs are now in league with Satan.  Baphomet, the horned goat, is an ancient pagan symbol and is often overlaid on top of the pentagram,  A five pointed star which perfectly fits the 5 pointed goat head.

And what could this mean? This goat head at the gates of Wrigley?  Obviously, it means the Rickett's family along with Theo Epstein are members of the church of Satan, and have sold the soul of the Cubs in order to bring a championship to the North Side of Chicago.  I don't believe it to be a coincidence that last nights game was called on a count of freezing weather and rain.  Remember when Jesus died on the cross, there was also a torrential storm.  I wouldn't be surprised if we have a week of rain outs.  Which is fine with me, as I have tickets to todays game, and wouldn't mind if the game was played some time in August.  But notice also that the only day it's supposed to be pleasant, sunny, Spring weather is Sunday.  The lords day.  

Now I know some of you out there of the religious persuasion, the big 3 faiths anyway, are aghast at this news.  But if you are a true Cubs fan, it is worth taking pause and noting that if selling the soul of the team to the devil is the only way to bring a championship to the Cubs, it might just be worth it.  As an individual fan, you must search your soul and ask yourself.  Would you sell your soul to the devil to be at Wrigley field the night the Cubbies win it all?  Is it worth an eternity of damnation to be covered in tears and beer, running naked up Sheffield avenue, wildly celebrating a Cubs World Championship?  I Son Ranto say yes.  Reverse the curse.  

It is a well documented fact that the New York Yankees sold their soul to Satan, with the Redsox taking a 35% stake, for Babe Ruth.  Resulting in 27 World Championships and the musical Damn Yankees.

In the musical, a fat old Washington Senators fan becomes a phenom baseball player after he sells his soul to the devil to give the Senators the pennant.  Being the 1950's, the Senators succeed only after Joe recants his devilish deal.  However, the story is based on the Yankees and their deal for Babe Ruth, who was also a well known Satanist.  How else could you explain that one of the best hitters ever was also one of the greatest pitchers of all time.  The called shot?  The work of the devil.

Every person of faith must spend a little time in the desert, where the temptations of fasting overwhelm us with earthly desires.  The Cubs have been in the desert for 104 years now.  The long suffering fans have sacrificed enough. My mother, Mom Ranto is an ex nun and die hard Cub fan. She worked her whole life for the Catholic church, and used to bring me to the ball game with priests.  Some of the biggest Cubs fans I know are priests and Nuns.  Big shout out to Sister Carmel over at St. James. But after years of failure of the Catholic hierarchy of Chicago to bring the Ring to the Cubs, I believe it's time to try a new approach.  That approach is Satan.

So, dark lord of the universe, I will follow you to the gates of hell, (which is apparently gate K).  Bring us, oh black king, a North Side Championship for the men in blue.  Not next year.  But this year.  2013.      While on offense, May the wind wreak havoc on pop ups in the infield,  allowing the ball to drop in for a bloop single.  On defense, with a runner on first, may the double hit get stuck in the ivy, stranding the lead runner at third.  Satan.  Bring us a championship.  Satan.  Bring us runs.  All hail Satan!  All hail the Chicago Cubs!