Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

http://www.sonranto.com

Chicago Cubs; Positive Thinking to the World Series

It's not easy to be positive when you're a Cubs fan.  We always expect the worst.  But today, I want to pretend I'm a Yankee fan, and expect to win with our awesome players.  No matter the situation today,  there is a ton of good news when it comes to the Chicago Cubs, and I'm going to share it with you.  As fans, let's get behind our beloved Cubbies and cheer them all the way until I am running naked up Sheffield Ave, covered in tears and beer.  Cool?

First positive.  The Cubs are young.  Fully 15 players on the 40 man roster are 25 years old or younger, so, as guys like Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo, both just 23 years old, develop, we could be seeing a strong Cubs infield for years to come.  Darwin Barney is only 27.  If we just add a third baseman, or move Castro to make room for Javier Baez, who is only 20 and has 17 homeruns at class A Daytona, our infield really could be solid for at least half a decade and beyond.  If Wellington Castillo continues to hit, and gets better at fielding, he's only 26, and could be part of a Cubs Championship run.  The outfield should include Jorge Soler, 21, in a few years, and Albert Almora, 19, batting .346 for Kane County.  And as far as pitching goes, both Jeff Samarjndceibiwv and Travis Wood, are under 30.  Compare this with other teams, like the first place Pirates, who have 8 players on their 40 man under 25 years old, and have gone through a steady rebuilding process to the point of contention.  Their players are on average 3-5 years older than the Cubs.  The second place Cardinals have 9 men under 25, mostly in their pitching staff.  So watch out!  Of course any youth movements need to factor in actual development, but when I started playing Piano years ago, I improved through the years, why shouldn't these guys.

Second positive.  Billionaire owners.  I believe Tom Rickett's when he says he's going to bring a Championship to Chicago.  Once he gets his stadium built and the revenue streams going, I can see him buying some big name players to fill the holes we may have at any given time.  These Wall Street guys are competitive as hell, he grew up rich and has never wanted for anything, so how's a guy supposed to get fulfillment out of life?  Why, bringing a World Series Championship to Wrigley!  That's how!  I can see the Cubs adding some big name star pitchers and a huge bat in a year or two.  Shin soo choo and Robinson Cano are free agents at the end of this year, or we could trade one of our plethora of developing talents for some proven prowess.  Either way.  The Rickett's will bring a Championship here.  He has a personal stake, and something to prove.  The Cubs are billionaire fan owned.

Third positive.  The Cubs play in the best ballpark in the major leagues, hands down.  And it's about to get better... I attended the Cubs series in Boston a few years ago, and the renovations there maintained the feel and atmosphere of an old ballpark in the center of a city, while providing modern amenities for the entertainment and comfort of the fans.  At heart, I don't want anything to change, but Wrigley will still be in Wrigleyville, we'll still have more day games than anyone else, there will still be Ivy on the walls, and they're keeping the hand operated scoreboard and bathroom troughs.  So I'm fine.  So, let Rickett's get his money, and get a Championship team out on that ball field!  We Cubs' fans deserve it.

In summation, baseball is a Marathon, not a race.  And right now, we have the youngest legs, the richest owners, and the best stadium.  Even this year, our starters are 8th in the majors in .ERA.  Not too shabby. Our catchers are 5th in caught stealing.  And the Cubs are third in doubles, with 166.  I believe the current builders of the Cubs are not content to give us a flash in the pan, aging all-stars team, but rather a contender for years to come!  It's time for fans to realize where we are headed.  And that's to the top baby!  To the Top!!!!

http://www.sonranto.com

No Lights at Wrigley Field!

So, yesterdays game against the Giants sucked.  We had lots of opportunities to score and win this game, but FAIL.  Lillibridge went 0-3, so what's new?  I'll tell you what's new.  The damned electronic scoreboard the Ricketts want to install at Wrigley field.  I hate it.  I don't want it.  And if it were up to me, they'd tear down the damned lights too, and play all the games at 1:20 or 3:05 like they did when I was a kid.  It was better that way, and you all know it.

I know all the arguments for this new damned scoreboard.  "It will provide advertising revenue, which we will put back out onto the field."  Bullshit.  The Rickett's are full fledged dyed in the wool capitalists.  If you think they want to do anything but make money for themselves and their friends, then you were not only born at night, you were born LAST NIGHT.  This is the 1% we are talking about here.  Some of the richest people on earth, and as Mr. Burns says on the Simpsons, "they'd trade it all for a little more".  But what it adds up to ultimately is that we will be forced to sit through loud ass commercials for Geico and Lays potato chips.  And that's a fact jack.  Trust.  I've sat in dozens of other major league ballparks, and those damned scoreboards are always telling you what to buy, when and how to clap, how to cheer, and they keep you "entertained" between innings with stupid contests like the 'ball under the hat' game, all while spewing commercials at you.  You have to look at giant photographs of the players faces, which are truly only good for making fun of, if a player is ugly or takes a less than flattering shot. Who cares what they look like?  Let's watch the game, not the damned scoreboard!

One of the best aspects about Wrigley is that the fans cheer, for the most part, organically.  We get each other into the game.  We make up our own chants.  Remember "Jody Jody Jody" for Jody Davis?  That was made up by fans, as was bowing down to Andre Dawson in right field, as was "left field sucks, right field sucks".  Now, if there is some scoreboard or now possibly two they are saying, constantly barraging the fans with their capitalist babble, the fans won't have the opportunity to even hear themselves think, let alone come up with new awesome chants.  I myself was trying to get the crowd yelling, "Kuji Fuji!" for Kyuji Fujikawa.  It hasn't caught on yet because he's new, he kinda sucks, and is now injured, but it could happen people, but not if there's a damned scoreboard yelling at me to clap my hands 17 times in a row on some pre-determined beat.

What do the fans get out of this anyway?  They say that the advertising revenue will generate 5 million dollars.  Big whoop!  That's not even enough to buy a lousy fourth starter these days.  So, the Rickett's expect us to sit through all this extra advertising for let's say, Jason Marquis? And how can a damned scoreboard help us win the World Series?  The reason the Cubs have not gone to the World Series is because the didn't win the games they needed to win.  They were swept the last two times they went to the playoffs under lights, and then there was Bartman.  Remember when in the 80's they wanted to put lights in and they blamed the tragedy fiasco of 1984, and how we got screwed out of home field advantage because we had no lights.  It's not because we had no lights!  It's because major league baseball is greedy, and decided San Diego would get home field advantage because they did have lights!  Game 5 was played in the daytime anyway, in San Diego.  It was simply a royal screw over.  And what did lights get us?  NADA.  It's been 25 years since lights were put in, and even though the Cubs play the majority of their home games in the daytime, (they play around 30 at night), they still haven't won a pennant.  Baseball is better played in the day time, and you all know it.  It was better before 1988, and now, "progress" has our feet to the fire once again.  Progress.

Let's take a look at our modern life.  Screens screens screens everywhere!  In our pockets and hands.  Everyone staring into their smart phones.  Digital Billboards next to high ways.  Televisions in every bedroom, along with computers, and ipads, and tvs in taxi cabs.  Have you ever counted how many screens, and advertisements you see in one day?  And now, the Rickett's want to put 1 or 2 more screens in front of you where there were no screens or need for them.  Giant fucking screens, telling you what to buy, and who to be.  I resent it.  I bought a ticket, now play the damned baseball game.  I don't care which hat the ball is under. I don't need to hear the southern players Kenny Chesney walk up music, or the latin players Bachata.  I don't need to hear "Enter Sandman" when the closer comes in.  Did you know that at Yankee stadium, every time an opposing batter strikes out, you hear an ad?  They play a pneumonic whistle which is an ad for PC Richard and Son, a local electronics store.  It sucks.  and that's where the Chicago Cubs are heading to make a lousy 4th starters salary.

And believe you me.  These Ricketts, they love the Cubs for certain.  They are spending hundreds millions of their own money to "renovate" Wrigley, but I can guarantee you they would NEVER have bought this team if they weren't looking to turn a profit.  Fine.  Turn a profit.  Spend a few million making sure the roof doesn't cave in, build some new club houses, forget the giant screens, and spend the hundreds of millions on fielding a competitive team.  Fans will pay good money to see a competitive Cubbies.  It was only a few short years ago we went to the playoffs twice.  All the games were sold out, and many times, I had to pay a premium from a reseller, a scalper or Stub hub to see the games I wanted to attend.  Why?  Because we were winning.  The Cubs brass proclaims a scoreboard will help us get to the world series.  Well, the Pirates have  a relatively new stadium too, AND a giant scoreboard, why do they not go to the World Series?  Oh yeah...they're terrible, and so are the Cubs.

So fuck the damned scoreboard, and lets rip down the lights too.  Keep it real Chicago.  A damned scoreboard will only annoy the crap out of us, and the extra night games only make us have to go to work hung over, instead of day games which demand you knock off work early sometimes, and be sober by the time you get home to the wife and kids.  It's a better system.

I'm going to hopefully watch the Cubs split the series with the Giants today, in the daytime, under the sunlight, as the universe intended.  Progress isn't progress unless it serves the people it's supposed to be progressing.  What does a damned scoreboard get us?  Another damned Screen to stare at and more ads.  Progress?

It was better before people.  You all know I'm right.  Fuck the damned scoreboard.

Go cubbies!

Cubs Predictions for 2013

Today is the day that Zombie Jesus rides again.  And this year. Every MLB sportswriter in the world makes their predictions for the coming season.  Well...this is a Cub's Centric blog, so I'm not going to waste time talking about other teams.  but I will waste time talking about what I think will happen to the Chicago Cubs this year....

The team:
 With Ron Santo's ghost out for the season with no legs, the Cubs enter 2013 with no third baseman.  However Santo's ghost is being fitted with those awesome prosthetics that that olympian murderer runner wore.  Santo's ghost could be ready for a playoff run.

Andre Dawson will make another hilarious video with Kerry Wood, however this time it will be a sex tape called "Gerry Curl's got Wood".

The Astros will have not won a single game by July 10th, and demand to play the Cubs at least 12 times a season in order to have a fighting chance.

The ivy will die on the walls due to a disease similar to the Irish Potato blight, causing Cub's chairman Tom Rickett's to replace the iconic ivy with Chia Pet's in an effort to raise advertising revenue for the club.  Every time an opposing batter strikes out the jingle "CH-CH-CH-Chia!" will be played.

A drunken Billy Corgan will die falling out of the broadcast booth while singing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game".  Tribune headline reads. "Corgan Smashes Pumpkins; Cubs Lose 14th straight".

Marla Collins will return as ball girl, but unfortunately she looks like this now....

Now on to the individual players.

Jeff Samardzija will be sued and forced to shave his head, by Mitch Williams who copyrighted his mullet while playing in chicago in 1989.

Darwin Barney will gain the nickname "Dar Bar" and consequentially launch a new 'healthy' candy bar of the same name.  Unfortunately, the confection will be a complete failure because the people of Chicago don't care about their health.

Dionner Navarro will suffer a massive heart attack at Gibson's Steakhouse on August 15th (an off day), but return to the lineup the next day and go 3-4 with a home run and a double against the hated Cardinals.

Alfonso Soriano quits baseball forever to start a new career in Acting where he will play 'The Cowardly Lion' in Marriot Lincolnshire's production of "The Wiz" this fall.

David DeJesus's hot wife Kim leaves him for me.

Starlin Castro is assaulted on the field in NYC by a woman 8 months pregnant claiming Starlin to be the Father, however further DNA tests after the babies birth confirm the child to be David DeJesus's, whose wife then leaves him for me.

Kyuji Fujikawa will get into a fistfight in the bullpen with Carlos Marmol over whether the original Karate Kid from the 80's was better than the one with Will Smith's daughter.  Fujikawa will win with the Daniel San's Crane kick because Marmol never saw the original movie and didn't see the other foot coming.

I'll keep these predictions sealed in a pickle jar to be opened at the end of the season.  Let's see how many come true!!