Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

http://www.sonranto.com

Bad News Bears Give Birth to Cubs

The folly of men dressed in Cub's uniforms, attempting to play a game called baseball, continued Saturday night to a sell out crowd in Milwaukee.  Giving up 5 runs (only one of which was earned), on only 6 hits and 3 walks.  Three errors were the cause of the other 4 earned runs, by Soriano, Castro, and the pitcher Jackson himself.  In fact, the Cubs have committed  a major league leading 15 errors this season and given up 11 unearned runs.  Put these unearned runs up against our 3rd to last runs scored statistic, and you have a 2013 Cubs Ballclub that is 5-11, and well, just looks kind of crappy.  The most craptastic thing about these errors is that they are being committed by the young "stars" the Cubs are currently building their team around.  Well, maybe not Soriano.  He will be laying in a hammock listening to the game from his estate in the Dominican Republic, and playing with his grandchildren by the time the Cubs win the World series (I hope).  But Castro?  This is 3 years now we've basically watched this kid barely get better in the field.  Certainly, he has great range, and gets to a lot of balls.  But those damn easy one hoppers?  Can't quite seem to handle the routine plays.  And it's killing us.
Rizzo too looks shaky.  His error on the first batter of the game Friday night resulted in a 4 run 1st inning for the Brewers.  And last night, he bobbled a ball badly trying to step on first base.  And Edwin Jackson?  Our 52 million dollar man?  Why he chucked a ball 15 feet over second base on what could have been an inning ending double play last night.  You're just giving away the game with these stupid errors.  It's disheartening as hell.  If the errors were all being committed by Luis Valbuena, it wouldn't be as awful because he's not a building bock of the future (I hope), but rather by our stars.  I think these guys need an exorcism.  They've got the Yips as a team.  Goat head?

And our poor pitchers!  Having to make all these extra pitches, face extra batters.  It's got to be disheartening when you have little to no confidence in who is fielding behind you.  It makes you feel as if you have to strike out every batter and be damn near perfect because you have no run support anyway.  The Cubs are 3rd to last in runs scored, and walks taken, and 5th to last in hits.  The Cubs are of course first place in Wild Pitches, with 13 (5 coming in one inning), and second in passed balls.  That's a ton of runners moving around the bases, many of which shouldn't have been on base to begin with!  This team needs a serious shake up!  If things don't change, and change soon.  This season will not only be forgettable, but will leave us with a terrible taste in our mouths all winter long.  Young teams are supposed to get better little by little.  And right now, even though we have not been blown out as of yet, we look worse than last year.  Or did I just forget how bad we were?

But enough about baseball....let's talk about how drunk Milwaukee Brewers fans are...

I went to the game on Friday night up in Brew Town, checked into the local Ramada, which was jam packed with Harley Davidson fanatics from all over the world.  Apparently, they are having some biker convention.  Boy, how times have changed since "The Wild Ones"  when it comes to bikers and biker gangs.  First of all these guys are all old, fat and grizzled, and instead of dealing drugs and rough necking it, hard drinking, and loose women, the bikers now hold charity events and raise money for cancer research.  Basically, they are really good people now, and I'm the asshole that wishes they were still dangerous outlaws scaring up the straights in small town USA.  Those days seem to be long gone.
 
So, we get to the game, and a severely drunken, likely underage, girl comes stumbling up the stairs with her friends.  I mean this girl can barely stand up.  She sits down in the aisle and kind of blankly stares at a stranger as if to say, "where the fuck am I?  What is going on?"  So I see this girl needs a little help, not from me, but one of her more sober friends who got her this drunk in the first place  So I tap her friend on the shoulder and say, hey, your friend needs help.  You gotta get her outta here.  Especially with all the Bro's sitting around us who looked basically like date rapers eyeing her as a possible conquest from afar.  But instead the friend proceeds to take shit loads of pictures of herself with the same dums ass smile with all here more sober friends, she of course stylized them with some instagram filter, and posted them to facebook, and basically ignored her friend who looked as if she was gonna hurl at any second.  A sad scene.  Then this red haired girl comes up who instead of helping her basically admonishes her for her behavior.  But that doesn't help at all, yelling at the person while they're drunk.  Just ask my ex wife.  So, We left our seats to go smoke a ciggy, and when we came back an inning or 2 later, she was surrounded by cops.  So at least she was in better hands?  Who knows?  Either way....kinda ugly scene...she showed up in the first inning like that....

I also witnessed a Brewer fan homoerotically pantomime face fucking his Cub Fan friend after the Brewers scored a run. He was one of the "date rapers" I tracked earlier.  And while at the Brewers little patio bar, a Black eyed Broham elbowed my friend in the back, and instead of apologizing for it, tried to start a fight with us.  I redirected his sloppy ire and diffused the situation, and I wish I had this on tape, but he was describing himself, and the evening he was having, and he said something to the effect of..."My friends, they were like, lets go out, and we can do something, and I'm like, yeah man, I don't really care, whatever".  I just said, well, you sound like a man who knows what he wants out of life.  And quickly left the conversation and the area.

All in all, and I've been twice now, Miller Park is tolerable on a sunny day with the roof open, and a dark chasm of drunken date rapers on a Friday night.  Hey, at least they let you smoke.

After that we went to the Casino.  BTW.  They have free shuttles all around Miller Park that can get you close to where you're going.  I won a little money on a slot, my friend lost, so we left.  All in all, meh, I prefer the Indiana boats.  Potawotami Casino is trying to be Vegas, and they totally forgot that they are in shitty ass Milwaukee and a bunch of cheesers.  Hey Milwaukee, you're not cool and you look stupid trying.

So, what do we have to look forward to today?  Little Chinstrap "I don't know how to cover first base" Feldman vs.  Wily Peralta.  Ugh...I just don't have a good feeling about this....not at all....

But...
Go Cubbies!!!!

Cubs Try to Lose; Win Anyway!

If there was any question as to how "Marmol" is spelled in japanese, I looked it up, and it's "F-U-J-I-K-A-W-A".  In a dismal 9th inning appearance, trying to preserve Carlos Villanueva's 2-0 gem, Kuji-Fuji, as he will be referred to from here on in, stank up the joint,  allowing 3 runs on 3 hits, plus a wild pitch, and he hit a batter (Buster Posey).  I was really hoping the plunked Posey would charge the mound ala Carlos Quentin vs Zack Greinke (video of melee in link), and break Kuji-Fuji's collar bone too.  At least I could have forgiven the 2 more runs he gave up, as I imagine it's tough to pitch with a broken collarbone.  But alas, cooler heads prevailed, and Posey trotted down to first, giving the Giants one more chance to go ahead.  And go ahead they did. Eventually,leading 3-2 going into the Cub's half of the 9th inning.

What is it with Cubs closers this year?  I've talked on the podcast with the lovable Lou Sears about  how these pitchers trying to close out the game, put extra pressure on themselves to wrap it up for a win.  That unnecessary extra pressure results in mistakes, thus runs, thus blown saves, and thus losses.  Granted, the fans in the stands are all a titter about going home with a win, standing, drunkenly chanting, and clapping randomly, but the closer, whoever it is, needs to just pretend it's the 3rd inning, and approach it as the routine 1-2-3 we Cub fans long for.  Maybe the fans could help set the scene by getting up to take a leak and buy a hot dog.  Let's all just pretend it's the third inning, and listen to the "W" from the bathroom, standing shoulder to shoulder singing "Go Cubs Go" from the iconic pee troughs of the Wrigley Field men's bathroom.  (Ladies, if you don't know what I'm talking about, find out by grabbing any random man in a Cubs hat and just say "Wrigley trough". Actually don't do that, it's weird... ).  So what changes in the 9th?  The only thing I can think of is that they stop selling beer, so many alcoholic fans have retreated to the Captain Morgans club, or one of Wrigleyville's many watering holes to watch the end of the game.  Maybe the absence of the constant chatter of "Beer here!", and "Get your Old Style", is unnerving to the pitcher.  It may be breaking the law to sell beer after the 8th, but I feel like we have to think outside the box for solutions.  I, Son Ranto, for one would be happy to 'take one for the team' and buy beer from vendors in the 9th.  Hell!  I'll even make the sacrifice to buy and drink beer  in extra innings.  Yes.  I love the Cubs that much.  It's all about sacrifice.

OK.  Ranto Rant over.....We won the game!!!!  And I was there!!!!

I took a little time off of my busy schedule of complaining about everything, procrastinating and drinking at home, to ride my bike the mile or so down to the Friendly Confines.  I was feeling generous, so I gave a scalper 10$ for a Box Seat and got to the game around the 5th inning.  Might I add, I decided to go down there in the 15 minute period where the sun was out.  I had been listening on the radio, as my poverty lacks Comcast Sports net and  It was 1-0 when I got to the stadium.  I heard Castro's homer from the roar of the crowd and Captain Morgan's amplified broadcadst, and found me a scalper.  2-0 is where it stayed until the fiasco 9th.  And I was like "Just great!  I come down here to sit in the cold rain to watch the Cubs blow another one. 2 damn days in a damned row".  I was truly questioning my purpose on earth, along with my horrific life choices, when the Cubs came to bat in the 9th...and from the ashes rose the phoenix!

The 9th started wonderfully with Dionner Navarro, who's aversion to running the bases, gives him extra incentive to hit home runs, did just that.  At 5'9", and 205 lbs, he prefers a trot as opposed to a full out sprint.  But it's fine by me.  Trot away Dionner!  So tie game, and I'm figuring extra innings, basically, because I don't have a whole ton of faith in this team to score twice off  Romo, the Giants closer, who was lights out the day before.  My pessimism was briefly vindicated by watching Valbuena and "Oh God!  why is this guy still on the team?" Brent Lillibridge strike out.  So two outs, and DeJesus doubles, Castro singles.  We win!!!

I must admit, I welled up a bit while singing "Go Cubs Go" with my drunken brethren.  To steal a victory from the jaws of defeat with my fellow inebriated Chicagoans was just as sweet as any thing that's happened to me ever.  Seriously.  Ever.  There are few better feelings for a baseball fan than a walk off win.  Of course I prefer it happen in a 4 game sweep of  the World Series (don't think my heart can take a 7 gamer).  But I felt great walking out of there!  Seriously wonderful!  The fans were still singing on the streets.  The atmosphere was jubilant!  Hopefully, this walk off win can carry the team with confidence into the weekend and beyond.  Especially Starlin Castro, who has failed miserably to be the hero all season until yesterday.  Way to go Starlin!  You acted the champion we all hope you'll be!

So, unfortunately, I will not be able to attend todays 12:05 start.  I'm going to watch some little kids play soccer in the burbs, and hang out with my Michigan cousins.  But I'll be back in the Friendly Confines tomorrow.  Up in the FC!  Got tickets?  Cause I don't.  Hit me up at sonranto@gmail.com, and of course http://www.sonranto.com.  Don't forget to check out the podcast here!

Let's go get a W today!  It's Madison Bumgarner (who I understand garners bums for the Giants) vs.  Our very own ace Shark Samardzija.

Let's go Cubbies!

PS.  Clevenger looked good at 3rd.  Get rid of Lillibridge!

Your First Place Chicago Cubs!!

While the hated St. Louis Bird Droppings languish in last place, the Cubs sit atop the NL Central!  Many that has a nice ring to it!  Our magic number is now 161.  And if we extrapolate the performances of the players yesterday, Anthony Rizzo will hit 162 home runs.  Brent Lillibridge will strike out 486 times.  And Carlos Marmol will almost lose every game for us.  But let's stay positive for a moment....

First of all.  A special thanks to Three Aces Bar on Taylor st.  and Benny the bartender for not judging me for drinking in the day time.  The lovable Lou Sears and I had a lovely afternoon drinking Left Handed Stout.  I also ate a delicious pulled pork sandwich, kale salad, and the best tomato soup ever for only 10$.  And yes.  That was a commercial.  The game seemed to zip by, as Samardzija just mowed em down.  9 strike outs, 2 hits, 0 runs, 8 innings.  Do we have a bonified ace now?  Lou Sears is convinced he's the second coming of Randy Johnson.  I still remain unconvinced until his fastball kills a bird.

Yeah...the Shark was great!  Let's hope this trend continues, and when the rest of the staff is healthy, we might actually make things interesting in the Central this year.  Like the Pirates last year.  Castro and Castillo had 2/3 of the Cubs 6 hits, which basically means that the rest of the team, besides Rizzo who homered didn't do anything.  Soriano struck out twice, and Lillibridge, that elf looking MoFo, was horrible.  3 Ks and an error.  We need our Dar Bar back and fast!  

OK.  Marmol.  WTF.  

He should not close a game ever.  It's over for him.  I'm sorry, but it just is.  Marmol was a great 8th inning guy.  But in the 9th.  He's a head case.  Why in the hell do pitchers treat the 9th inning with such a different energy?  Just go up there, execute each pitch, and get the guy out!  No matter what inning it is!  One pitch at a time.  Carlos Marmol is incapable of closing ballgames.  Period.  I have no idea if Fujikawa is any good.  All I know is, he got the save yesterday,and was pumped his fist when he got the fly ball to center to save the game.  So Dale.  Mr. Sveum.  Please.  Don't ever let Carlos Marmol pitch in the 9th inning.  Please.  Thank You.  

So who else sucked?  Lillibridge.  I actually think I hate him.  First of all, he's an ex White Sox.  Second of all.  He sucks.  and he looks like an elf.  Or a troll.  All I know is he's better off on Lucky Charms boxes and not playing second base.  I'd rather see Aaron Fucking Miles hitting weak scribblers to second than watch Brent "Magically delicious" Lillibridge play baseball.  Got it.   Dar Bar come back to us!!!

After the game, The lovable Lou Sears and I went over to the Billy Goat Tavern and met up with friends and did shots of Malort until we were either gonna sleep or fight.  Big thanks to our Bar Tender Jeff who kept me and the boys in line.  We capped off the night with an amazing Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds concert at the beautiful Chicago Theater.  Seriously incredible show.  And the perfect end to what turned out to be the best opening day I've had in a looooonngggg time....

So what's next?  Edwin Jackson debuts for the North Siders against Wandy Rodriguez.  Wandy always seems to pitch the Cubbies tough, and we've seen a lot of him in a Houston uniform.  I actually wish he was on our team.  I'd rather have him than Scott Baker at this point. Anyhow, he's on the Pirates now, and we gotta figure out a way to beat him on Wednesday night.  I'm psyched to see what Edwin Jackson can do  for us.  We've got him for 4 years and 52 million.  So...he better not get injured, and he'd better win 80 games through 2017.  Got it?

Go Cubbies.

Let's Go 2013 Cubbies!

I'm just about to head down to Three Aces Bar on Taylor st. to watch our beloved Cubbies take on the Pittsburgh Pirates.  We better win this one, because it's one of our only chances to be in first place this year.....

There's a podcast, which i really don't remember recording with the loveable Lou Sears, because I drank too much Jesus Blood at Easter Dinner.  I'm actually scared to listen to the cast because i might end up going to AA instead of Three Aces.  Anyway...listen to it here.... http://sonranto.com/Sonranto/SonRanto_Cast/SonRanto_Cast.html

Today we got the Shark vs. AJ Burnette. The tattooed Burnette went 0-2 with a 7.36 era this spring, so that's pretty sweet on paper to face such a loser.  But last year he went 16-10 with a 3.51, which is pretty damned decent.  But hell, it's a new year, and we got our best pitcher going.  It's mullet vs. rocking tats...and I can barely contain my excitement!  Let's Tattoo Burnette!

Sucks that Dar Bar has a hole in his knee, so ladies and gentlemen, your opening day second baseman is Brent Lillibridge who has a leprachaun name.

Today's opening day lineup....

1.  DeJesus CF
2.  Castro SS
3. Rizzo 1B
4. Soriano LF
5. Schierholz RF
6. Castillo C
7. Valbuena 3B
8.  Lillibridge 2B
9. Samardzija P

Alright people.  I know this might be a tough year.  But let's cheer our asses off anyway.  In a year or two when we make a run at the Central you can say you were there when the team was in shambles.  This is any Cubs fan's chance to prove they're no fairweather fan!

Let's Go Cubbies!!