Cubs Predictions for 2013

Today is the day that Zombie Jesus rides again.  And this year. Every MLB sportswriter in the world makes their predictions for the coming season.  Well...this is a Cub's Centric blog, so I'm not going to waste time talking about other teams.  but I will waste time talking about what I think will happen to the Chicago Cubs this year....

The team:
 With Ron Santo's ghost out for the season with no legs, the Cubs enter 2013 with no third baseman.  However Santo's ghost is being fitted with those awesome prosthetics that that olympian murderer runner wore.  Santo's ghost could be ready for a playoff run.

Andre Dawson will make another hilarious video with Kerry Wood, however this time it will be a sex tape called "Gerry Curl's got Wood".

The Astros will have not won a single game by July 10th, and demand to play the Cubs at least 12 times a season in order to have a fighting chance.

The ivy will die on the walls due to a disease similar to the Irish Potato blight, causing Cub's chairman Tom Rickett's to replace the iconic ivy with Chia Pet's in an effort to raise advertising revenue for the club.  Every time an opposing batter strikes out the jingle "CH-CH-CH-Chia!" will be played.

A drunken Billy Corgan will die falling out of the broadcast booth while singing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game".  Tribune headline reads. "Corgan Smashes Pumpkins; Cubs Lose 14th straight".

Marla Collins will return as ball girl, but unfortunately she looks like this now....

Now on to the individual players.

Jeff Samardzija will be sued and forced to shave his head, by Mitch Williams who copyrighted his mullet while playing in chicago in 1989.

Darwin Barney will gain the nickname "Dar Bar" and consequentially launch a new 'healthy' candy bar of the same name.  Unfortunately, the confection will be a complete failure because the people of Chicago don't care about their health.

Dionner Navarro will suffer a massive heart attack at Gibson's Steakhouse on August 15th (an off day), but return to the lineup the next day and go 3-4 with a home run and a double against the hated Cardinals.

Alfonso Soriano quits baseball forever to start a new career in Acting where he will play 'The Cowardly Lion' in Marriot Lincolnshire's production of "The Wiz" this fall.

David DeJesus's hot wife Kim leaves him for me.

Starlin Castro is assaulted on the field in NYC by a woman 8 months pregnant claiming Starlin to be the Father, however further DNA tests after the babies birth confirm the child to be David DeJesus's, whose wife then leaves him for me.

Kyuji Fujikawa will get into a fistfight in the bullpen with Carlos Marmol over whether the original Karate Kid from the 80's was better than the one with Will Smith's daughter.  Fujikawa will win with the Daniel San's Crane kick because Marmol never saw the original movie and didn't see the other foot coming.

I'll keep these predictions sealed in a pickle jar to be opened at the end of the season.  Let's see how many come true!!

Organist Loses Job. Oh...and Cubs lose in final Ho Ho Kam match up.

Yesterday's game was great.  Sweet base running.  A Soriano homer.  Good pitching by Villanueva. 

Yes.  The game was great until we lost.  and why did we lose?  Left handed reliever Takahashi was left in the game for three innings.  Why?  I don't know.  I just couldn't tell ya.  Maybe Dale was trying to see how far he could push the guy.  Well....he pushed him, and we saw, we all saw.... But I will say this about Takahashi.  He looked good in his first two innings.  But We lost.  One sweet thing about it is that on MLB's website, the cubs are 17-16 this spring instead of 16-17.  Let's hope we can count on some of those errors in the regular season too and we can pick up a few games through computer error.  It's like winning 10$ in the beauty contest when you land on Community chest!

As far as the end of Ho Ho Kam stadium?  Who could tell it better than the stadium organist.

The best thing about this video is that he plays a sweet organny version of Quiet Riot's 'Cum on Feel the Noise'.  Yeah, pretty awesome!  Let's see Wrigley's Gary Pressey do that.  Time to up your game sir!  I have a couple of suggestions for great new songs the organists can play to match what I expect to be a mediocre season.  How bouts' Twisted Sister's 'We're not Gonna Take It'.  Or maybe AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell'.  Yes, that would pretty much describe it....Get to Work Pressey!

So, it looks like Clevenger is gonna make the club, which is exciting to me.  Mostly because he kinda looks like a confederate soldier, you know, the kinda dick who would punch you in the back of the head in Junior High for no reason.  The Cub's need more dicks on the team.  The Yankee's have plenty, especially Texiera.  Boy does he look like a dick!  But what do you think? Clev looks like a Rebel!

Plus!  Clev has a sweet Bad Teenage Moustache, which is also the name of my band.  So a little promotion never hurt.

So what's on the Cub's plate to finish off this Spring?!  We head to Houston to take on the American League West Champion Astros!

It'll be nice to see em for old time's sake.  And check out their new sweet Uniforms.....

I was really hoping they'd go back to these.....

With their sweet Leg Numbers!!!

Meh...we only play em 3 times this year, as opposed to 18 last year.  Well....good riddance!!  I always hated you bastards...The only good thing to ever happen at Minute Maid Park was this...

Go Cubbies!!

Raise Your "T" Flag Proudly!!

I can't wait until all the games are on TV!  Then I can watch my beloved Cubbies on any number of bar TV's all over Chicagoland.  There's nothing like ponying up to the bar with my best buddy, the lovable Lou Sears, and watching the game with a cold one or 6.  But alas, it's spring, and only the Royals TV televised what proved to be a wild "Tale of Two Ballgames."

The first half was all Royals.  Scoring 7 runs in the first 4 innings, while socking 4 home runs, including back to backers against Cub newcomer Scott Feldman.  The Royals scored 2 runs before Feldman even recorded an out! Yeah....Feldman was bad, really bad.  Let's just hope he's working on a new grip for his sinker ball.  Not that he out and out sucks.  I mean he was 6-11 with the Rangers last year with a 5.09 ERA.  That kinda sucks right?  I just hope Dale only starts him when the winds blowing in.  So, while I sat at the Carol's bar in Uptown with the lovable Lou Sears last night, checking the score on our iPhones, I figured I was gonna have to write a repeat of yesterdays post.  When the Cubbies got spanked and spanked hard!  But this was a tale of two ballgames.

Things really kicked off for the Cubbies when they put up a 5 run 8th, pulling within 1 run.  I love the extra base hits too!  DeJesus tripled, Valbuena doubled, as did Navarro.  BTW.  I really wish I could have seen Navarro running to second, because he hit that ball way into the right field corner, and any faster player would be standing on third.  (Tony Campana would have scored most likely with an inside the parker), if he could hit the ball that far.  I kid Navarro...I kid!  But He's fat and slow.  

 Zach Putnam (minor league Cub) gave up a run to the Royals in the bottom of the frame.  But the Cubs came back in the 9th to tie it.  Where the game stayed knotted through a scoreless 10th.  So raise your "T" flag!  We tied the Cactus League Champion Royals!

What I liked most about this game is the battling back of the Cubbies.  Losing by 6 in the 8th is usually a pretty good indication of how things are gonna end up.  But not this team.  These Cubs are young.  And it truly feels like they believe in themselves.  And 5 run innings were certainly hard to come by last year.  It would be nice to see a few more of them.  This is why I never leave a ball game early.  Hell, if they can score 9 runs.  We can do it too!  That's the attitude I like to see!

Another thing I liked seeing, was Dionner  Navarro running down the first base line still holding his bat on a clean single.  As if he was going to beat down the first base man when he got there.  I have a feeling Navarro will be a huge source of hilarity over this next year.  I like his style.  

So...we've almost made it!!  A 2 O' clock Start against Seattle today, and then two in Houston.  That's it.  3 more games.  3!!!  Let's get this party started!!

Today it's Villanueva v. Iwakuma.  And it's the last game at Ho Ho Kam.  I have a feeling there will be a lot of teary old white men in Mesa today wearing weird Indian lapel pins.  Personally, I went this Spring for the first, and last time, and the joint is a shit hole.  I'm glad it's going away in favor of something nicer like the Giants have.  (I saw the Cubs there too).  

3 more games!!!!

Go Cubbies!

The Wheels on the Cubs Go Round and Off!

What WAS a pitchers duel between Shark and Cueto through 8 innings, became what we in the cheap seats call a "laugher".  11-1 was the final score.  This throttling courtesy of the 2012 NL Central Champs the Cincinnati Reds.  Despite my positivity of two days ago.  This time, I was glad that it's still Spring Training, and so does Carlos Marmol, our fearless closer, who entered the game with one out and a man on second, to promptly give up a double, a single, a walk, (then there was an error by Jeimer Candelario, whoever the hell that is), then a single, and another single, before he was mercifully lifted from the game.  Can anyone venture a guess as to how many games the pitching of Carlos Marmol is going to lose for the Cubs this year?  I don't want even to think about it. You are sitting there, watching the ball game, hanging on every play in a 2-1 nail biter, and in comes Marmol, and as my dear departed dad used to say "der go ballgame!".  But that wasn't the half of it, because Michael Hamman, who was drafted last year, gave up a walk, a sac fly  (at least he got an out), a three run homer, and a wild pitch, before the Red Legs' Corky Miller grounded out.  A 9 run 9th.  That's rough.

I know this is pure speculation, but the Cubs should have entered the 9th inning tied 2-2.  Which could have changed momentum. Here's why.  One of my most hated plays in baseball, is when a guy hits a fair ball, he thought was gonna be foul, and is caught flat footed between 1st and 2nd and is easily thrown out, when he should have been standing on first base already.  This is exactly what happened when "I put Arsenic in Ian Stewarts Wheaties to keep my job" Luis Valbuena came up in the 7th with no one out and "Beef Wellington" Castillo on first base.  Who knows if Valbuena would have eventually scored, but Castillo did, when Clevenger, who better make the team,  hit a ground rule double.  At least it would have been second and third with only one out.  Lillibridge did hit a fly ball next, which could have been a sac fly.  Tie game.  What is it with these jerks who can't freaking run to first base?  If there's even a question whether it might be fair.  Freaking run!  You're a damned professional athlete, and you can't do the most simple thing?  Run to first after you hit the ball!!!  It drives me craze balls!  I vow to boo, and boo loudly when I see the play again.  Soriano caught an earful from me when he did the exact same thing a couple years ago against the Yankees.  I booed then, and I'll boo now.  BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So, is this what your 2013 Chicago Cubs will look like?  Marmol, once considered a tradable piece, now the inevitable head case of the Cubs?  When we are 18 games out on 8/1 and the players stop running out ground balls, will you boo too?  It's embarrassing.

Hey.  At least I got me a good old fashioned pitchers duel through 8, and I really loved the drunk fans who hung around at Ho Ho Kam to chant "Let's Go Cubbies" with 2 out in the bottom of the 9th.  One of them yelled "Hey Dusty!" a bunch of times to Dusty Baker, and then yelled "Mother Fucker!!!".  It was pretty funny.  There were some drunk chanting women there too , they sounded skanky and fun.  Woulda been fun to be there, and yes, I would have been chanting with them.

So, how we gonna get back to .500 for the Spring?  Any hope?  Well, maybe not tonight....Tonight we go against the Cactus League's 1st place Kansas City Royals.  Scott Feldman vs. James Shields.  It's weird, because I haven't really thought of the Royals as an actual team since George Brett and Brett Saberhagen were on the team.  That would be a good Wheel of Fortune 'Before and After'...."George Brett Saberhagen". The Royals kind of get lost down there on my radar.  And Kansas City the city?  I mean, what do they even do there?  Everything hasn't been "up to date in Kansas City" since the 1940's when that song was written.  Especially the baseball team.  Hasn't been updated since the 80's....In your face KC!  We Coming for you tonight!!!!

Ruh Roh Rorge!

Wanted to get a quick post out, before I go to the dentist for this nasty toothache I'm sporting.  And speaking of toothaches...did you see yesterday's loss to the Giants?  No, you say?  You work on Monday afternoons?  Well I, Son Ranto, watched it for you!  Well, most of it anyway.  Kinda hard to stay totally engaged in a 9-3 loss ya know.  But there were about 5 minutes in this game when I was engaged, after Navarro hit a homerun in the bottom of the 6th to pull the Cubs within 2.  But the wheels came off in the top of the 7th when the Giants put up a 4 spot to go up 9-3...and that's where it stayed.  Cory Wade, who's trying to make the bullpen (good luck now) pitched a scoreless 6th, but gave up 2 earned in the 7th along with a couple of errors in the infield.  As I said, the wheels came off in the 7th.

Which brings me to an hilarious observation.  Have you ever been at a Cubs game when the opposing team puts up a 4 or 5 spot in the top of the 7th, and then you have to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", while everyone feels like crap because you were in the game up until now, but now you will most likely lose?  Yeah...it sucks...but it is funny....all these languid voices kind-of-half-heartedly trying to sound like they are still having fun at the old ballpark.  What am I saying?  Cub fans are always happy!  Or at least always drunk..... At least Steve Bartman had the decency to wait until the 8th inning to screw up everyone's good time in 2003!

What else?  Well Scott Baker is out til June according to the Tribune and Carrie Muskat of Cubs.com says that's good news?  I don't see how it's good news.  Not sure why the front office took all these chances on Tommy John surgery pitchers.  Hell.  I'd rather have Tommy John...is he still available?  Or alive?  I mean I guess it's good news that my knee caps didn't burst into flames just now, but they still hurt when I walk up stairs.  And I guess it's good that Scott Baker is predicted to be back at some point this season,   And not that his arm was blown off by Robin Yount in a hunting accident.

Hey....anyone see the new Cubs branding slogan "Committed"?  What advertising company came up with that brilliance!? There's not even a winning sentiment in there!  Just, yeah...we will show up...try...see how it goes....meh...Committed to What?!  Well if this season goes like the last few, we fans should be committed.  Maybe if the Cubs move to Rosemont they can just pad the walls of Wrigley, and all the fans who will no doubt go crazy if that were to happen, can be "committed" to the stadium.  Waddaya say Ricketts?  I think Obamacare pays for mental health facilities!

So what's going on today?  Reds (Cueto) v. Cubbies (The Shark).  Well...it's actually a night game.  9pm Central.  They will probably have the game on the MLB iphone radio, but I'm doubtful I can stay up til midnight listening to Mick Gillespie.  He seems like a nice guy, but I need Pat Hughes' folksy father figure voice to keep me engaged.

People my people!  Spring Training is almost over!  Let's do this thing!!

The Cubs are over .500! (in the Cactus League)

Ok...I love pitcher's duels as much as the next guy, but a pitchers duel during Spring Training while watching and listening to the Cleveland Indians TV Broadcast...not so much...In fact, I missed the most exciting play of the game, because I fell asleep to the 1-0 snoozefest through, but so glad I woke up to A.  A cubs Win (Game ended a respectable 4-3), and B.  This incredible Footage of Dionner Navarro scoring the Cubs 4th run.  Dionner makes Geovany Soto look like Kate Moss.  Either way....Rusin, who is now our 5th starter with Garza and Baker on the Shelf, pitched really well, as I said, pitchers duel through 7.  and he gave up only 2 hits through 5.1.  Not bad for a number 5 starter.  Actually, it's really good for a number 1.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, and it's Spring.  But As a Cub fan, you gotta take what you can get, especially in seasons when no one is expecting you to win.  Did I mention there are still tix for opening day?  Cause there are.  But damn that 12% amusement tax!  

So, the good news is, we won!  And are over .500 in the CL.  And I know many of you will say, big deal, Spring training, blah blah, belch....But honestly.  Winning is winning.  And to create a winning vibe around your ball club is an intangible, one should not downplay.  Momentum is everything.  Hell!  We've certainly seen the other side of the momentum, when you expect to lose all the games.  All last year, if the Cubs had a lead through 6, I would muse to the drunk sitting next to me, let's see how they manage to lose this one, and they inevitably did (lose that is), 101 times.  There were a few bad losing streaks in there , and it created a losing vibe, so we kept losing.  But this week, the team is 6-1, with the one loss coming against the Dodgers in a split squad game.  Not too shabby.  And it's just nice to win.  Sure.  Pat and Keith always downplay it on the broadcast,  saying ad nauseum how by the middle of April this will all be forgotten.  All the stats erased...etc etc...and this is all true.  But it's not April.  It's March.  And we're winning.  You know it's got to feel good.

So....what's next for our beloved Cubbies?  How bout the World Champion San Francisco Giants?  Los Gigantes will throw Vogelsong, which according to Surnames.com means " dweller where the birds sing".  Sounds pretty pansy to me, but what do I know?  the Cubs will throw up Travis Wood who will once again attempt to prove that giving up the beloved lefty Sean Marshall to the hated Reds was a good idea.  

What else to look for?  Well, I'm thinking Steve Clevenger is a crappy fielder at all 8 positions he plays, but the dude can hit.  That run scoring double he hit on Sunday ended up being the  game winner.  He's batting .395 in 38 at bats with an .OBP of .415.  Not bad for a utility guy.  I just expect him to lose as many games for us with his glove, as he wins for us with his bat.  At this point, we have 3 good hitting catchers, and probably 2 decent fielding ones.  Better than a sharp stick in the eye.  

One last thing...while looking at the 40 man roster, I realized I completely missed the three terrible Spring innings pitched by #67 Robert Whitenack.  5 walks and a hit, 3 runs and an era of 9.00.  The dudes from Queens, can we sell him to the Mets for some of that recovered Madoff money?  That would rock.

Cubs Come Back and Win Yesterday! (yes I know it's Spring still)

Well that was fun!  I was riding my bike next to lake Michigan.  My own little version of Spring Training for my fat ass, listening to Pat and Keith on GN, (Keith called the bleachers the Bloodweiser Bleachers while trying to get people to buy tickets, Hilare...).  There are still tix to opening day by the way.  I'm surprised people aren't buying.  I witnessed loss number 100 from the Bloodweiser Bleachers last year, and it was still fun.  Ahh maybe it's because the game is less than 2 weeks away, and it's gonna snow 6 inches today.  Lame.  I digress....

We won!  We are now a .500 club this Spring...AND....we are only 3 games out of the Cactus League champions of the World!  Well...maybe we can at least win the Wild Card....they have that right?
Yes yes yes...against the Angels, a pretty damn good, and stocked team, ahem, Split Squad, the Cubs future, i.e., Lillibridge (which sounds like a Keebler Elf name), Gonzales, Sappelt, and DeJesus just kept hitting in the 7th inning allowing the Cubbies to come all the way back.  It was a far cry from last year, where you pretty much assumed that a lead off double would most likely lead to a runner stranded on second.  But not yesterday, Gal darn it!

Then of course Marmol comes in in the 8th, and pretty much sucks.  Walks a guy, hits a batter, you know the drill.  Clevenger eventually allows a passed ball.  And we are back to tied in the 8th.  Clev makes up for the error and hits a lead off double in the bottom of the 8th, and a wild pitch scores Shawon Dunston Jr.!  That's how it stayed and we win 7-6.  Marmol got the undeserved win btw after an outing where he threw 10 balls and 3 strikes...not good.

I can't believe Shawon Dunston Jr could be a Cub someday.  That freaking rocks!  Bring back the Shawon-O-Meter!!  It was his only appearance of the Spring.  No at bats.  Just a run scored.  He was then promptly reassigned.  I mean he was # 90 after all, but at least his taller than Campana!

So what else happened worth noting.  Cub pitcher Edwin Jackson got 2 hits.  But he also gave up 5 runs.  So....not great, but a pitcher getting a hit is one of the most exciting plays in baseball, so I ain't complaining.....

Today Chris Rusin goes up against Ubaldo Jiminez and the Indians.  I dread listening to Pat and Keith today for the first 6 innings, because yesterday they got on a Ubaldo kick, and they both pronounce his name wrong.  Over and over they pronounce it wrong.  It was annoying.  YOu'd think that with all the latin players in the league the broadcasters would learn some Spanish pronunciation.  But they don't and butcher everyone's name.  The worst is when there's an Asian player, and they get nervous and won't even try to pronounce the name properly.  Like they are too stupid to learn new words.  It's annoying.  Jesus!  You people talk for a living!!

Anyway...it would be nice to win again, even if it is Spring!  Create that momentum into the season....1 more week people!  The long winter is almost over!

I mean...enjoy the snow tonight suckas!