Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

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Cubs Lose Game Everyone Turned off in the 7th

What can you say about a game the Cubs lost 10-4, and ended after midnight on a Tuesday?  Well, not much, except to say that most of you didn't see the end of this game..  Dale Sveum got ejected for arguing balls and strikes, or in actuality, he was ejected because Cody Ransom flipped his bat and Home Plate Ump Dana Demuth stared at Cody, and Dale started barking at him, and then Dale was tossed.

Yer Outta Here!

DeMuth and Sveum look like they're about to kiss....I don't know how they argue so close to each other's faces without laughing.  They almost did laugh last night it seemed.  

Fascinatingly enough, Demuth quite possibly means "Of Death".   Dana of Death!  Ha ha...he's got a girls name!!!!

Anywho....Starlin Castro struck out and slammed his bat....he was 0-4.

The new kid Gillespie made another great catch!

He then slammed into that bullpen fence in front of him.  He was OK, but his body has intertwined with many a hard and injuring obstacle lately.  

Vegas odds on him being injured soon, 2-1.  Just in time for DeJesus to come back.  I'd love to see an argument between Dana of Death, and David of Jesus!  Biblical!

Junior Lake, pretty much the only reason to actually watch this game, or any game these days, went 3-5, is batting .545, and hit a home run.  He also missed a really tough catch in center and slammed into a wall.  Please don't get injured Junior.  You're our only hope!

Unfortunately,  clean shaven, Travis Wood couldn't get out of the 6th, (maybe it's time to grow the beard back), and the #bullpenisterrible hashtag made a return shortly after his exit.  The Dbacks scored 3 in the 6th, 7th and 8th, so If you turned off the game after the 7th, you got an extra hour of sleep and missed a few "Ugh" moments.  But the Cubbies did fight back, scoring 2 in the 8th and 1 in the 9th off a Schierholtz 2 run shot, and the aforementioned Junior Lake "too little, too late" dinger. 

Yeah, the bullpen was bad.  Rondon and Bowden each gave up 3 runs.  The Cubs have been trotting these guys in and out for a few years now.  Neither one of them has been consistently effective.   Doubt they are a part of any future plans.  Or at least I hope not, unless they figure out a way not to get shelled every other appearance.  Rondon seems to have a little Marmol in him, but without the wicked slider. The comparison is more about style, intensity and approach.  And walks....lot's of free passes.

Meh.

There's another game tonight!  Samardkjbgirtgb958 vs. Ian Kennedy.  I like our chances tonight.  C'mon Cubbies!  Give us a reason to turn into the midnight pumpkin.  But Please.... don't lose 4-3 in the 9th after leading 3-1 all game.  That's the worst, when you stay up all late, and they lose at the last minute.  If you do lose, could you make it a blowout early?  People gotta go to work.

In the meantime...everyone hate Angel Hernandez!

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Why the Cubs Should Keep Soriano

When Alfonso Soriano was signed to an 8 year, 136 million dollar contract before the 1987 season, I was personally thrilled that the Cubs were playing the money game like the Yankees who are consistently stocked with talent, and always in the playoff mix.  I thought to myself, "Finally! We can field a team of superstars!".  Little did I know that the Soriano of 2007, would see a great drop off in numbers from the previous, 46 homer 41 stolen base, year, hitting 13 less homers and stealing 22 less bags, never again to return to the 2006 player that wowed everyone and garnered a huge contract.  Yes, for 136 million the Cubs could have received the production of 2 Sorianos!  

For the first few years of his bloated Cubs contract, his defense was shoddy, his hustle was abysmal, and he was injured for the first time in his career.  We all watched him hobble on his shot knees in the summers of 2008 and 9, finally requiring surgery.  We watched his batting average dip from around .300 to the mid 200's, his running game become nearly non existent, and his power drop off from his pre-Cub days, at least 10-15 homers per season.  All this from a defensive wild card, and an aloof personality.  But then something changed....

When Soriano came back from his knee surgery, it was as if a small fire had been lit under his butt.  He renewed his commitment to being a great player again.  He worked on his defense and got better.  He hustled.  He hit home runs again (32 last year), and he started stealing bases again (10 so far this year).  Most importantly, he started having fun playing baseball, and it shows!  

I go to a ton of Cub's games, both at Wrigley and on the road.  When I'm at Wrigley, I prefer the fence leaning seats in Terrace reserved on either side of the stadium, but when I'm on the road, I like to sit by Soriano.  It all started because of a traveling companion and lover who is hot for Soriano.  She basically likes to sit behind him and check out his butt for three hours.  But it's more than that!  On the road, Soriano gives steely stares to opposing, jeering fans.  He dances to the other team's walk up music, and most importantly he's a conducts himself as a professional, and he looks like a star.  Regardless of his numbers, he has the "it" factor and he's fun to watch. Unlike Rizzo's mooky hunkiness, and Castro's slick boyish look, Soriano's a real man.  He's a vet and he commands attention, even though his numbers don't deserve 18 million this year and next.  He will be 38 years old during the last year of his contract next year, and with the Cubs going the "youth movement way", (Rizzo and Castro are both 23), they could really use a veteran to look up to.  The Soriano of 6 years ago would NOT have been the man to be a leader to these youngsters, but the Soriano of today is perfect for that job.  I hope they keep him around.  Not just for his bat,  but for who he is.

Now, I'm not an idiot.  The Cubs have kept many fan favorites around too long just because they were popular.  Even Ryne Sandberg probably should have been traded after 1993, because he was injured for a whole year, and his production dropped off considerably through 1997.  What if the Cubs could have gotten a few prospects for him?  Would the 90's have been any different for the North Side?  So yeah, if we can get some great future stars, sure, trade Soriano, let him have a chance to return to New York, where he started.  So many people still love him there.  I lived in NYC for 18 years, and the gas station where I usually took my car, had a "Soriano Way" Yankees street sign hanging up, a decade after being a Yankee.  I lived in a Dominican neighborhood, and he was still a fan favorite, even years after being on the team.  Do you know who else's favorite player he is?  My 7 year old and 5 year old niece's.  And my girlfriends.  And mine.  

Theo and Jed are gonna do what they're gonna do.  They're looking into the future and trying to trade their way to a lean, mean, and very young super nova that will win the World Series sometime in the next 5 years.  They are the wonder boys after all, and we have to as fans, at least trust the process.  If it doesn't work, it'll be the same story as always, and we can look forward to another lost decade.  But if it does work, and the Cubs are constant contenders under the helm of the new Cubs brass, there will be nothing but rejoicing on the North Side.  The Cubs will get young, and stay young, and its true, there's no room for Soriano in that equation.  But I for one hope that Soriano at least plays out his contract in Chicago.  He's not really blocking anyone except maybe now, Junior Lake, who has hit the majors like a storm, who's batting .529 in his first 4 games, and hit his first major league homer last night.  But what of the intangibles of veteran leadership?  Soriano, for better or worse, fills that role, all while remaining a fan favorite.  The bleacher bums love him!  Chicagoan's resist change, the Cubs have choked for 100 plus years, so yeah, it's time to try something different.  But can't it wait one more year?  Especially since it's projected the Cubs will have to eat most of the money anyway in any trade?  Keep Soriano around for his bright white smile, his sweet swing, and his 'new found' commitment to greatness.  

So Alfonso Soriano, if I've seen you play your last game as a Cub, thanks for the memories.  I've booed you, cheered you, and laughed at and with you.  I've sung the bunny hop song when you caught fly balls.  I've cheered you in Spanish and English.  We've shared smiles, and danced together to walk up music.  And hopefully, the next time I see you it will still be in a Cubs uniform, and I can tell my niece, "Hey look! It's Alfonso Soriano!"  Her eyes will light up, and she'll fall in love with baseball, and an aging Cub, just like I did when Andre Dawson hit 49 dingers for the last place Cubs in 1987, and Ryne Sandberg grew a handsome mustache.  So, keep Soriano!  Unless of course you can get something great for him worth 18 million smackers.

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Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

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Bull Balls at the Ballpark (A Pictorial)

For those of you who watch Cubs games on TV, one of the highlights of the road games has been when Len Kasper and Bob Brenly or, now Jim Deshaies, apprehensively sample the "Rocky Mountain Oysters" at Coors Field in Denver.  Yes. Fried Bull Balls cost $7.50, and are served with an unfinishable mound of freedom fries and horseradish cocktail sauce.  I'm an adventurous eater, and have eaten everything from cow brains to razor clams wiggling on my fork, but Bull Balls had never touched my nicotine stained lips until last night.  

I had chickened out the night before, telling myself the game was too tight, (2-1 Cubs through 7) to trek all the way from my 300 level seat in the Right Field Corner, down to the concessions in section 144 in the Left Field Corner, but last night, I had a 100 level seat close to the food stand where they sell battered and fried bull testicles.  So with a hesitant rumble in my stomach, I ordered.

Notice the smaller font for the Oysters.  Almost like they really don't want you to eat them.  Or more likely, they couldn't fit the words, "Rocky Mountain Oysters" on the sign.  They should just call is what it is, "Bull Balls", and the word would be shorter than "Rockie Dog".  

Nothing to it but to chew it.

If you think I look bad, you should see the bull!

Hmmm....crunchy.....horseradishy....

There's the bull ball flavor!

Now, I love eating sweet breads, glands, livers, intestines, and cheeks.  Wasn't crazy about brains, hearts. or fish eyes.  But these Bull Balls....this is something new.  My mouth says, fried oysters from the sea, but my brain says bull balls.   

Another bite.

Hmmm...I guess it's someones job to slice up these balls for frying...

Wanna try?

Yup...I'm still thinking about a bull's balls.....

Stupid brain is ruining the flavor, which truly isn't bad.  Mostly tastes fried, which is always good. And Hell! If I was l was in a situation like accused cannibal and Coloradan Alferd Packer, who famously was stranded in the Rocky Mountains during the winter of 1874, and was the only one of 6 men to stumble out of the mountains well fed off the flesh of the others, I'd be happy to be eating anything, let alone bull balls!  

Me and a bust of cannibal Alferd Packer outside of the Alferd Packer Restaurant and Grill on the campus of the University of Colorado.  He was convicted of killing the 5 men on his expedition.  He also confessed to eating them.

The restaurant was unfortunately closed, but I found it appropriate that Alferd Packer's image was trapped behind bars.  A place he spent most of his life.  Folksinger Phil Ochs wrote a pretty funny song about him in the 60's....

If I had to resort to cannibalism, like Packer, I would at least try to bread and fry the guy, but the whole time I'd be eating the poor sap, even if he was fried and tasted decent, would be how he was a dead body.  Which in and of it self grosses me out, and certainly isn't appetizing.  Bull Balls are similar in that, sure they're fried and edible, but I don't look at Bull's balls and think....mmmmmm....I could sure go for a bite of those!  But, when I see a healthy fat pig, chicken, or cow, I DO think about eating them, but not ALL of them...ya know?  

And I never think about eating people.  Apparently, neither did Alferd Packer who was rumored to be a vegetarian when he died of "senility" at age 65.

OK....a little freedom fry palate cleanser...

The "Rocky Mountain Oysters" are, in reality, processed and fried rubber mush, and some of the balls seemed to be mostly breading anyway.  What I had pictured in my head the day before in the upper deck, was a straight up fried Bull's Ball.  These aren't that. And if you told me it was fried oysters, I wouldn't have noticed the difference, except to say, "these are pretty crappy fried oysters".  The best comparison I can muster is how Burger King's Onion Rings don't really resemble an onion inside, and the filling of these so called "Rocky Mountain Oysters", also is not reminiscent of a testicle.  Thank Jeebus!

I guess I can't quite separate the flavor, from the thought of an actual bull's testicle.  This must be how vegans feel when they look at all of the living parts of an animal.  I was a vegetarian once to impress a girl for a few weeks in high school, but I was at a BBQ one afternoon, and famished from eating only carrots and chips, while smelling delicious grilled meat, so I caved and ate a burger.  The girl and I broke up shortly after.  That was 26 years ago, and I haven't looked back.  Now, If I had a choice between a burger and some bull balls, I'd take the burger everyday.  Except yesterday.  Yesterday I went balls. 

However, as a Taurus, I truly did think of the bull, and what he sacrificed to give me, at the very least, an esculent experience.  (Esculent means edible...I just wanted to be fancy).  I mean.  The poor bull! There exists a moral dilemma in caring about the bull and his nuts in my brain, but totally happy to eat a cow's loin, lamb's leg, or duck's liver!  What is the point of drawing culinary lines in my mental palate, when one of four people in the world eat insects.  Ultimately, I can't say whether I think "Rocky Mountain Oysters" taste good or not.  My damned brain was in the way.  Always in the way....

I followed up the whole testicle eating experience with a meat I am intimately more familiar with.  Famous Dave's Chocolate Covered Bacon.  3 strips for 2$!!!  Great deal!  Sweet and salty deliciousness.  If I ever go back to Coors Field, I think I'll opt for their Ribs or the Todd Helton Burger.  (Yes, the Helton Burger is a real thing).  Can't wait to eat the Rizzo Style Pizza, or Starlin Castro's famous Mofongo, after the Wrigley renovations.  Sharkburgers anyone?  

What could be Chicago's version of "Rocky Mountain Oysters"?  How about "Cubby Burgers" made of real baby bear meat? Or Montrose Harbor caught fish and chips?  Hey!  It's local!  That's good right?  My neighborhood, Uptown, is full of rabbits during baseball season, and rabbit is super tasty!  Maybe the Cubs could serve specialty dishes like Cardinal wings when St. louis hits Chicago, or communion wafers and wine when the Padres come to town.  Sure.  We have the Chicago dog, a delicious classic, but these Wrigley renovations should not only bring our beloved ballpark into the modern age, but also advance our collective palates into the modern word...you know...the one where a quarter of the people eat insects.... 

Bacon Chaser!!!!