Monday, July 22, 2013

Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

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