Last Days at Wrigley 2013

Baseballwise, the best thing that happened to the Cubs in this final home series against the Pirates, was to avoid being swept on Wednesday.  But regardless of the elimination (around May in reality) of the Cubs, and any hopes of a miraculous playoff run, there was of course still great fun to be had at the Wrigley.  6 dollar tickets, final Old Style beers, and meeting internet friends in person seemed to be the order of the final days and nights at the nearly century old ballpark.  

Monday night, I spent the evening sitting next to some Pirate fans, who, I guess I'm rooting for this year.  Even though their long suffering fanbase hasn't really shown up until now, any team with 20 straight years of losing baseball, is worthy of a cheer or two from my mouth.  Behind me sat a Mexican contractor and some of his team (possibly family), sitting with a young white man supplier, who to my ears, had the accent of a first generation American.  They did drunken business all night, discussing materials, costs, and a bit of gossip over numerous cervezas and a little baseball watching.  That game was 1-0 Pirates, and one of the quickest games of the year.  I didn't even go out to smoke until the 6th!

Let's go Bucs?  Sure.  Why not....

The first time the older gentlemen came to Wrigley was in the 1960's.  According to legend, he took a train with a buddy of his from Central Illinois, but was too drunk at the time to remember much of his experience.  He fondly recalled Cubs players from the time like Glenn Beckert and Randy Hundley, in addition to your Ernie Banks's and Billy Williams's.  Remember when the Cubs had stars on the team?They were nice people, and I hope they are still cheering the Bucs deep into October.  Anyone but the Cardinals!

Unfortunately for the Cubs, even the closed circuit TV system has given up on our Cubbies!

Tuesday, I was able to meet up with a Twitter friend Josh, @jmorg17, and his buddy Ryan.  I had seats up in the balcony, but sat with these guys for 4 or 5 innings behind a pole.  

These guys were huge fans, but I still managed to win a dollar off of Ryan by betting him the skyboxes were full operational in the 80's not the 70's.  My sister and I used to run from wherever our seats were to watch Harry Caray moving from the TV booth to radio and back after the 3rd and before the 6th innings, from high up in Terrace Reserved.  Thats was before the skyboxes, and it was definitely the mid 80's.  Either way, I ended up a dollar richer.  The answer was 1989.  I barely squeaked out the victory.

Tuesday night was also my last Old Style at Wrigley, unless of course the online petition works out for them.  You can sign it here if you care.  Old Style is a crappy beer, but it's our crappy beer.  And you know what?  All the beers at Wrigley are relatively crappy.  Major brand beers like Becks and Dos Equis don't even serve up their signature brands, with Dos Equis being the Lager, not their regular brew, and Becks is called Sapphire, which has a malt liquor flavor to it.  The Sapphire is your highest alcohol content for the money, topping 6%, just in case you were looking to get sloppy.  Don't even get me started on Bud and Bud lite.  These beers don't give much of a buzz at all, unless you count diarrhea as a buzz.  

But of course the Rickett's family in their infinite quest for cash had to go with the highest bidder.  I'm fine with it all if they spend money on the team, but that doesn't seem to be their plan.  It's all about savings and trying to make a team work without spending the money.  That's what Money Ball's all about!  I'm doubtful that approach will work in Chicago no matter what kind of beer we're drinking.  Not holding my breath, but hoping the concessions are upgraded next year, especially the beer selection.  There are so many delicious micro brews in the area, couldn't there be one stand somewhere with some Belgian beers like Duvel or how about a Sierra Nevada, or even a real Becks Pilsner!  Additionally, the only food worth eating is the Stanley Burger, the Chicago Dog, and Uncle Dougies pulled pork.  Unfortunately, save the Chicago Dog, you really have to go searching for the other two sandwiches.  

The food and beer at Wrigley are crap.  They could do better, but the almighty dollar speaks louder than the all mighty taste bud.

My final day at Wrigley started with a Champagne brunch with some actor friends from Trapdoor Theatre, at my apartment, a mile north of the ballpark.  I made breakfast burrito's for everyone and we walked down to the bleachers on what proved to be a beautiful day for all of us, including the Cubs who won the game 4-2 on a surprise Darnell McDonald 3 run homer.  I met up with the guy who sold me  his season tickets on Sunday, a Bostonian named Adam Polegreen, and his son, who had a sack full of balls, some of them signed, attained during batting practice.  Adam's a super nice guy, and he loves his Cubbies, and his Red Sox.  I wish I liked another team that was any good, but unfortunately my other adopted team from nearly two decades of living in NYC, is the Mets.  Hell, I could never be a Yankee fan!  

Unfortunately, I was drinking my last crappy Old Style the night before, as the bleachers ran out of the stuff.  In fact, premium beer after premium beer ran out as the game went on.  I drank Pabst.  It was the perfect day for it all.  A great way to end out my season at the shrine, but somehow, whoever runs the sound at Wrigley managed to louse up Go Cubs Go.  Is this a harbinger of doom for next year?  Or just the final series in St. Louis.  Or as Pat Hughes annoyingly says...."St. Lou".

Listen at 2:20.

As a musician, producer, and engineer, the sound at Wrigley has been run horribly this year.  Feedback, Weird Gary Pressey organ rhythms, and inconsistent volumes throughout the game have me thinking someone's stupid nephew got the job, and not a professional.  This final screw up is just icing on a bad cake.  Maybe it's all on purpose, to have us all accept thundering scoreboard sounds as an upgrade from the mediocre sonic vision that currently flatly falls on the patrons ears of the Friendly Confines.

Well, 3 more games, then the long dark winter.  Makin me feel like this...

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A Cubs Fan Craigslist Story

Well folks, as my first season as a Cubs blogger winds down, I celebrate my 100th post.  Luckily, this year, unlike 2012, the Cubs won't be lamenting their 100th loss.  With only 6 more games left to play, the worst we could do is lose 97.  While this has been a disappointing season for all of us Cubs' fans, and many of the Cubs players, it hasn't been without its small personal victories.  Even yesterday, the Braves division clinching celebration was slightly muted given that they clinched in the 6th inning when the Nationals lost to the lowly Marlins.  The Braves did manage to celebrate, but it wasn't the same as if the moment coincided with a 3rd Cub out.  

The Braves anticlimactic celebration in the shadowed gloaming of Wrigley Field.

Yes, small victory indeed. 

But being a Cubs fan isn't about winning.  That much is obvious.  It's about community.

Yesterday, I bought a 20$ Craigslist bleacher ticket from a season ticket holder named Adam Polegreen.  He lives in Boston, but is completely enamored with Wrigley Field and brings his son to Chicago as much as possible.  On the tickets he doesn't have opportunity to use, he takes a bath on the face value.  My thriftiness doesn't help the matter either, nor does he Cubs mediocre performance this year which has me paying under 10$ average on all games.  

Anyway, I didn't bite at the 28$ Stubhub ticket, and bought on Craigstlist.  Given that every time I mess around with Craigslist I am invited by some Ghanian missionary to transfer 100,000 dollars to my bank account in an effort to separate me from my own dwindling funds, I was skeptical as to the validity of the Bleacher ticket.  But after texting with Mr. Polegreen, I was reassured that my ticket would be valid, or at least this thief only got 20$ and went to great lengths in acting the part of a diehard Cub's fan.  

Cubs' fans all over the world might appreciate our text exchange...so here it is....

All texted like true Cubs' fans.  

Even though we lost the game, and I had to deal with drunken screaming Braves' fan girls who kept urging each other to flash Evan Gattis, who was playing Left Field yesterday....(apparently they were flashing the rooftops earlier), I had a great time sitting in the sun watching baseball.

Stay Classy Atlanta.

So thank you for the ticket Mr. Polegreen.  Whether the Cubs win or lose.  Wrigley Field truly is a worthy addiction.

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A Wrigley Field Guide to a Braves Celebration

Given that the Braves were beaten yesterday by the Cubs, and the Nationals were rained out, the Braves fans who traveled to Chicago to witness an on field celebration by their beloved team, will have to hold off their tomahawk chopping at least until today if they win, or tonight if the Nationals lose. 

 Much ado has been made about the Dodgers recent "pool party" celebration in Arizona.  Even presidential campaign loser and professional grumpy old man, Senator John McCain waded into the critical waters by tweeting....

  

If the Braves win today, how can they top the Dodger celebration at Wrigley?  The Budweiser Russian Baths won't be ready until after the revenue generating pedestrian mall and scoreboard are fully operational.  But there are ways the Braves can be just as disrespectful to our home park, and as a Chicagoan and Wrigley Field enthusiast, I have a few suggestions.

1.  Ride goats around the outfield in a victory lap.  Allowing the goats to stop and nibble on our beloved ivy.  

2.  Hit home runs to each other, and keep the ball.

3.  Put ketchup on their victory hot dogs.

4.  Sing root root root for the White Sox during the 7th inning stretch.

5.  Eat NY Style slices off of home plate.

6.  Install electronics in our beloved manually operated scoreboard.

7.  Cover our beloved Harry Caray statue in snow, reminding Chicagoans what a hard, cold winter we have ahead of us.

8.  Buy a rooftop on Waveland and let the fans in free. (17% of 0 is 0)

(This is the sign that's up there now, I took this pic yesterday....ugh)

9.  Let Greg Maddux pitch the 9th against us for the save.

10.  Install seat backs on the bleachers.

Of course, I hope the Braves lose today.  In fact, I always hope the Braves lose unless they're playing the Cardinals.  

Being the helpful Cubs' fans you are, I'm sure you have plenty more suggestions. Let's hear em!

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In Defense of Kevin Gregg (Or Why I Hate Yuppies)

It's a little tough for me to defend Kevin Gregg after sitting in Wrigley Field during the 9th inning and watching him blow the game by giving up 4 runs to the cocky Braves, who's racist fans were tomahawk chopping their way to yet another successful year.  Sure, I guess it's Gregg's fault we lost the game yesterday, but he's been infinitely better than any of us would have imagined when we heard he was signed off the scrap heap in April.  He's notched 32 saves and, until yesterday, had a sub 3 ERA.  These stats for a last place team, that often times puts him into the game in "non-save" situations, such as yesterday's tie game.  This year, he's taken the ball professionally, and not only saved half our wins, even though he didn't even join the team until the 3rd week of the season, and he "saved" us from  watching a year of Marmol meltdowns and closer by committee.  

Now to call what Gregg said yesterday a "rant" or a "blast" of Cubs management is overstating the matter considerably.  All he said was that after a conversation with Dale Sveum a few days ago, Gregg felt he was out as closer, and not part of the Cubs' future plans.  Apparently they want to try out Strop in the closers role.  The worst thing Gregg said was "I expected to be treated a little bit better than this. They can treat their players how they want. Unfortunately we are under their control. It is not necessarily how I would have done it, but they have to do things the way they want it."  He said this all calmly and articulately, and seemed only disappointed in managements decision to "move forward" or "go in a different direction".  He wasn't angry or shouting.  This was by no means a rant.  

Anyone that's ever heard the Dale Sveum show with Keith Moreland pre game on WGN, knows that Dale is not the most articulate man on the planet.  He may have a decent baseball brain, (though you'd be hard pressed to find an example demonstrating that over the last two seasons), but listening to Keith and Dale talk reminds me of Hank Hill and his cronies leaning up against a pickup talking about propane in Fox's King of the Hill.  Dale says "ya know", and much as Lou Piniella said "Look" during press conferences.  *On a side note, if I hear Keith say "innersting" one more time, I may just jump out onto the field dressed as Morganna the Kissing bandit at the final home game, having been driven mad by his poor diction.  (sorry, needed to get that off my chest).  

Dale has a knack for stating the obvious, like if Rizzo strikes out with the bases loaded and 1 out, Dale will say something like, "well, we've got to get better in those situations".  Duh!!!  You can barely hear him at his press conferences because he mumbles, and his general Hokey-Do "Aww shucks" demeanor may keep the clubhouse calm, but it certainly doesn't result in an aura of success, or confidence that this is the mastermind who will "win it all" for the long suffering Cubs' fans.  Nor, do I think Dale is a particularly impactful man, given that Robin Yount once mistook him for a duck and shot him in the head.

Given Gregg's post "rant" apology, where Dale and Theo explained the situation more clearly to him, it becomes obvious that the "situation" was not explained to Gregg well in the first place.  In other words, Dale Sveum led Kevin Gregg to believe that he was not a part of the Cubs organization's plans, even though he had a really good comeback year.  This is probably true, and perfectly fine with me, but why this couldn't wait until after the season is beyond me.  When you define a guys job as "closer" and then take it away from him, thus diminishing his value both as a free agent and from a personal human standpoint, well, don't be surprised when there's a bit of blowback.  And it was just a bit.  Imagine your boss coming up to you and saying, listen, you've been great, but you're fired, and only 9 days before vacation!  Add to that, Sveum's mumbling, unmasterful command of the English language, and you've got yourself a misunderstanding!

Now Theo Epstein, who reportedly was hopping mad after learning of Gregg's "tirade", immediately called Gregg and Sveum together for a meeting, at which Gregg was "scared straight" into toeing the company line.  Gregg ran to to the press room and immediately apologized publicly for his comments.  Epstein is young and successful, or at least he was successful until he came to Chicago.  He's the kind of guy I'd probably dislike if I met him because he thinks he's so damned smart.  He just looks like a wall street hot shot who got rich on a penny stock once and now thinks he's Warren Buffet.  My punk rock heritage has carried me into midlife with a healthy skepticism and "Die Yuppie Scum" still lingering on the tip of my tongue, so take what I say with a grain of salt.  

Of course I hope the new "Cubs Way" results in a championship for the Northsiders, but I am not one of the faithful who will drink the Kool-aid until I see results on the field.  No player does or should play this game in order for the front office to get higher draft picks.  And though the Cubs farm system definitely seems juiced after dumping every player anybodies ever heard of by the trade deadline, I need to see at least a .500 season before I can declare the "Boy Wonder" Epstein anything but a guy who happened to catch the timing right in Boston.  "The Cubs Way" has ruined Starlin Castro's natural talent, signed the weak hitting Rizzo until the end of the decade, and called Jeff Samar249ry2ifu their ace, despite an 8-12 record and a 4.42 ERA.  Yes, the core of the "2016 World Champion Chicago Cubs" seems to be lacking in well....a core....

This situation with Kevin Gregg reinforces my perception that Theo is nothing more than a sniveling rich kid who can't be criticized by his underlings with out getting his underpants in a knot.  He wasn't even criticized!  Or at least barely criticized.  Gregg only said he wished the situation had been handled better.  But Theo immediately knee jerked and talked about releasing Gregg, just to prove a point.  What point is that?  Obviously, it's I own you, and if you say anything against me, no matter how trifling, you're out.  Epstein can't even muster the same respect he demands of his players, publicly musing about the fate of Kevin Gregg's job, while Gregg himself must stay quiet and run "tail between legs" back to the press in order to save his own hide.  I find Theo's actions even less professional than Gregg's!   Theo said he'd "sleep on it" as to whether Gregg would face disciplinary action.  So great!  If Gregg IS still on the team this afternoon, and not DFA'd, he will have to do it without any sleep.  Not that he would have slept anyway given his horrible performance yesterday.  But to have this yuppie wonderboy "sleeping on it" (on a 25,000 canopy sleigh bed no doubt) as to whether you have a job tomorrow is indicative as to the cultural stranglehold Epstein hopes to have over this organization.  Who does he think he is?  George Steinbrenner?  In other Epstein news, the press has been a a titter this week about the future of Dale Sveum, which Theo telegraphed at least an indifference to Dale's performance and future as the Cubs' manager, then quickly backtracked in order to instill confidence in the manager who has led us to two basement finishes.  As I see it, Mr Loose Lips Epstein is demanding something of his players he can't even do himself.  That is the definition of poor management.

I don't pretend to know what goes on behind closed doors.  It's easy to forget that these are human beings with real emotions, goals, and dreams.  I'm certain Kevin Gregg felt as if he was being demoted, and it hurt his feelings.  He blamed his performance yesterday on it, and I'm not sure he's wrong.  Team culture is hard to put your finger on, and it seems the best teams have a healthy mix of stars, vets, and hotshot rookies.  The Cubs currently have none of those elements.  The best thing I've seen Theo and company do, besides beef up the minor league teams, is get good production out of a platooned third base position, and successfully pick up "watchable" players off of the Major League scrap heap.  I personally don't think an inexperienced and inarticulate manager is the answer for inexperienced players.  But who am I but a knowledgeable fan at best? If Gregg didn't understand the situation, that's on Sveum.  He's the manager. And as far as Theo goes, practice what you preach.  In sports you're only as good as the last thing you did, and the last thing the Cubs are going to do this year, is play two teams who are going to clinch the playoffs against them.  The Braves, likely today or tomorrow, and The Cardinals in the last series of the season.  It's been a frustrating year for Cubs' fans, to state the obvious, and it's going to to be a long, cold, dark off-season in Chicago.  Unfortunately for Kevin Gregg, the off season might have just gotten a little longer and darker.  

Update: Kevin Gregg on the team until next Sunday.  Guess Scrooge McDuck got the Christmas spirit....

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The Making's of a Cubs Fan

Yesterday, I plopped myself down on the couch at 11:30 AM, nursing a '2 bottle of Pinot Noir' hangover, and tasked with baby sitting my sister's 3 year old son.  I was hoping for an exciting WGN Cubs game to lift my spirits and turn 'The Boy' as I call him, into a Cubs fan.  My last effort of bringing him to Wrigley resulted in a 2 hour nap on his dad's lap.  

So, 'The Boy' as I call him, is at the "why" stage of his short existence, but he knows his numbers.  A few hours into the game, he looked up at the screen and said "The Cubs have 6 points!  And the other team has zero!"  I corrected him that they are called "runs" and filled him in on the information that it was just the opposite.  The Reds had 6 and the Cubs had 0, and being the 7th inning, the Cubs were likely to lose today.  'The Boy' said, "Why will the Cubs lose today?".  I said, "Because they're not very good this year".  'The Boy' pressed on, "Why aren't the Cubs very good this year". I said, "I didn't know", hoping that the barrage of questions I've been dealing with since last Saturday, would cease.  But he delved deeper, "But why do the Cubs have 0 and the Reds have 6?", I said, "Because the Cubs don't hit very well, and if you can't hit, you can't score runs."  He asked, "Why can't the Cubs score any runs?"  I said, "I just told you, because they can't hit, and the pitcher isn't doing very well today for the Cubs. So they're losing."  He asked, "Why isn't the pitcher doing very well?" I said, "because he gave up 6 runs to the Reds".  "Why?" 'The Boy' asked.  I said, "Because this guy (Jeff Samakbfibfribf) is supposed to be good, but he's only good sometimes." 'The Boy' exclaimed "But I want the Cubs to Win!".  I said "Me too buddy.  Me too, but today they're gonna lose".

Later on that evening, as I switched back and forth between the Mets vs. Nats, and Red Sox vs. Rays on my Apple TV, 'The Boy' saw the Cubs logo for that afternoon's archived game, and exclaimed, "I want to watch the Cubs!"  I said "The Cubs aren't on, that's the game we watched earlier, and the Cubs lost 6-0 remember?  We don't want to watch that again!"  The kid says, "But I DO want to watch the Cubs!", and insisted that I put the game on.  So I say, "you want to watch the Cubs even though you know they're going to lose?!"  It was then I realized..... he is a Cubs fan.  

Son Ranto and 'The Boy'

He hates having his picture taken....

Cubs Kick the living Crap Outta Nat's!

The Cubbies exploded for 11 runs against the Nationals, while Jeff Samarddbfefhf9v pitched a complete game shutout last night in a game I wasn't at.  Two homers each by Nate Schierholtz and Donnie Murphy, plus a ton clutch hits and excellent baserunning won the day, but.....Damn you!  I went to every loss on this home stand.  I suffered through a sweep at the hands of the Reds, and had to babysit my sister's kids during the Cubs only win against St. Louis.  In those 4 games I did attend, you scored a total of 5 runs.  And then last night, when I had something else to do, a sound design job at the Trap Door Theater for "The Balcony" which opens September 5th, (plug plug), you score 11 runs, and hit five dingers, and I missed it all.  Thanks a lot!  This is how you reward your loyal fans, by winning when they're not there?  Ugghhh...

Oh well, I guess I should be happy the Cubs won, especially because my best friend, Johnny Onomatopoeia, who hails from the DC area is gonna be pissed.  I should have placed a wager on this series with him, but the last time we wagered.... we had a weight loss competition before meeting in Vegas over the winter holiday's.  I won (but didn't keep the weight off, he did), and the loser was to play a half hour of craps in drag, but two things happened.  A.  We couldn't find a decently priced dress big enough for him, and B. He was arrested and pepper sprayed by the Vegas PD after getting sucker punched by a bouncer, and calling the cops on himself.  Needless to say, I am now a bit sheepish in asking Johnny to wager again, seems to be some bad luck strewn in there.  Besides, we kicked the crap out of the Cardinals in the first game of the last series, and then got basically shutout for the next 18 innings.  Well....we scored 1, which still sucks.  That could very well happen here.  The Cubs totally blew their wad in game 1 of the series, and then nothing....when I'm at Wrigley....

In other news, the Cubs did execute one of my least favorite transactions yesterday.  They traded David DeJesus to the Nationals for a player to be named later.  There's no payoff!  PTBNL?  By the time we find out who we got, the NFL playoffs will be on , and no one will care.  This is just a salary dump anyway.  And now the team will consist of people you never heard of.  It's not even 40 man roster time yet!  The Cubs already look like the Kane County Cougars! 

 I wonder if the Cubs let him dress at his old locker?  

From one crappy team, to another slightly less crappy team.  I wrote one of my favorite parody articles for Bleed Cubbie Blue's Fan Posts section about David DeJesus.  It's Funny.  Or at least I think it is....

Speaking of Cougars!

The sad thing is, David DeJesus's hot wife will no longer be a Cub Wife.  She was by far the hottest of the wives.  At least in a traditional sense of hot.  You know, breasts and butt and a pretty face.  Not obese.  You know, the kinda girl straight guys go for.  

Anyway, bye bye David!  It was not fun losing 100 games a year with you on the team, but at least you did a halfway decent job as a stop gap measure.  I will miss drunkenly yelling "let's go Jesus!!!!" when you come to bat.  Farewell, "Of Jesus", have fun trying to get the Nationals to .500, because they ain't winning shizznit this year.  

Well, the Cubs better do something tonight too.  Hitting 5 homers would be cool, as I'll be in the Bleachers, and have yet to catch a ball....ever.....would be nice to catch a homer.  I would go early and catch batting practice, but I gotta see a man about a horse before the game.  For those of you not in the know, that means, I got crap to do that I don't want to share on a Cubs blog.  Yes, even Son Ranto has a private life.  Not much of one, but it exists.  Actually, not much of a life in general, especially after September 29th, when I have to suffer through 5-6 months of terrible baseball longing.  You'd think I'd be more suicidal watching the Cubs during baseball season, but somehow, the pain of being a daily Cubs fan gets me through, and when I don't have them to kick around, I kick myself around.  Maybe I'll go to the Dominican and watch some winter ball to stave off my baseball deprivation and seasonal depression.  

But Tonight!

The Cubs new lefty phenom Chris Rusin goes against veteran Dan Haren.  It should be a kick arse game as long as the blasted mosquitos stay off of my jock. I'm covered in welts!  Convinced I have west nile virus or bed bugs, but it's probably just a hangover.  

Go Cubbies!

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Boring Cubs Game; No Runs, No Fun!

It all started with one of the worst anthem's I've ever heard....

A waste of an anthem, a waste of a great start by Travis Wood, and a waste of 2 hours and 27 minutes by me.  Plus the 39$ I spent getting drunk at the Captain Morgans Club on Gin and Soda.  You got my 40$ Cubbies.  Wanna spend it on someone who can actually hit?  In the end, the Cubs collected 6 hits, and struck out 12 times.  And of course they lost the game 2-0.  Yawn.

The only positive I can give about this game, is that it was a beautiful night to be at Wrigley Field.  Twitter was a fine companion, and I got a ton of great pictures of the old girl as the sun set over one of the most boring games I've ever been too.  At a point, I couldn't tell if I was watching a pitchers duel, or if the Cubs just plum suck at hitting.  I think it was a little of both.  Either way, I was bored, and then drunk, and then drunk and bored.  Of all games to go to by myself....ergh...

The Sun goes down over Chicago, as Travis Wood Strikes em out!

Love Birds at Wrigley.

We coulda used Billy's bat last night...

The "D" stands for Dull...as in this game was duuuullllll.....

Night.

The only one of these buttons that actually works....

A view from the bike racks....

Billy Cub still perpetrating mascot activities....what part of "cease and desist" do you not understand?

Well, we'll just have to win tonight.  Homer Baily 7-10, 3.73 goes against Jeff Samarejbv984hr, 6-11, 4.23.  Of course, the Cubs are gonna need to score to win.  That's how baseball works.  

And tonight, the Cubs will be honoring Ernie Banks at a pregame ceremony. Ernie will be given the presidential medal of freedom.  Not sure what Ernie did except be a great guy who hit a bunch of home runs, and uttered the memorable catch phrase "Let's Play Two".  But hooray!  Maybe Obama will be a Cubs fan now because the Sox suck so bad.  

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Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

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Cubs Crackdown on Commie Mascot

The Cubs have unraveled a secret communist plot that may have thwarted the Rickett's renovation plans to "modernize" Wrigley Field into a money generating cash cow for the billionaire family.  Billy Cub, pictured above with known communist Michael Moore, has been issued a cease and desist letter for "unabated mascot activities", which has been thus far ignored by Billy Cub and his minions.  The unofficial mascot, who carries an "igloo cooler" for disseminating communist literature and for collecting donations for the "Red" cause, is now under investigation by the Justice Department for supporting eco terrorism in the fight against fracking.  

The Rickett's family, whose many investments include big oil and energy producers, stand opposed to any such anti business sentiments being expressed by an unofficial Cubs mascot.  Rickett's stated recently in a company memo that doesn't really exist, "If we ban fracking now, we won't have the money to keep the lights on at Wrigley Field.  We will have to play day baseball again.  Billy Cub's communist actions will result in a roll back to 1987, a year the Cubs went 76-85 and finished in last place. Do we want that?"  

Frankly, with attendance down this year, as a direct result in the rise of communist and anti american activities around the ball park, the fans have answered "No".  Chicagoan's will not come see a baseball game, America's past time, if they feel they are threatened by a communist bear.  

A recent investigation by Cub's brass turned up this "fan foto" where Billy is attempting to feed the Communist rag "The Eak", directly into a child's brain through Osmosis.  

Billy singing protest songs with known anarchist group "Earth First".

Billy "fraternizing" with unlicensed Tshirt dealer and ticket scalper, Antwon "38 Special" Donaldson, a known member up the Uptown Bloods, who's concern for the environment is notorious among Chicago's street gangs.

In a publicity stunt against the use of GMO's in the sport peppers of Wrigley's "Chicago Style Hot Dog", Cub's president Theo Epstein, was recently photo-bombed during an interview for "Handsome Hot Shot" magazine.  Shortly after this photo was taken, Billy was taken into the local Office of Homeland Security, but was released because Photo Bombing is not, as of yet, illegal.  However, Alderman Tom Tunney said he would be willing to propose an ordinance banning photo bombing within the area directly around Wrigley Field, provided the Cubs agree to give him lots of money in campaign contributions.  I'm making up that Tunney said, "Listen.  Photo Bombing has the word "bomb" in it.  Bombs are tools of terrorists, and after all the tiresome negotiations on both sides, we figured a simple bribe was the way to go.  It's the way business gets done in Chicago."  Tunney has also has allowed Fracking in the cemetery's just north of his district.  "Dead bodies release gasses. Gasses are fuel.  It just makes sense."  Tunney didn't say.

Still, the Cubs are struggling to find a suitable replacement for Billy Cub, who is a favorite amongst leftist fans. In order to provide a suitable apolitical or business friendly alternative for photo ops around the ballpark, the Cubs market tested Roly Poly as a possible mascot, when the Rickett's first took over the team, as a way to increase childhood obesity and sell more food at ball games.  But the communist Billy Cub upended the plan by passing out propaganda from the Chicago Parks Department encouraging exercise and a healthy diet. 

It was then that the Rickett's tried to beat Billy at his own game, and hire fitness guru Richard Simmons as the official Mascot of the Cubs.

However, this experiment lasted only one day as a local fan died of a heart attack "Sweating to the Cubbies", while attempting to simultaneously eat the last three chips in his nacho helmet.

There were also plans to bring "Cubby", the Class A affiliate mascot of the Daytona Cubs, up from the minors, but Tim Cossins, the minor league field coordinator said a recent 'bout of food poisoning' on a road trip to Charlotte against the hated Stone Crabs has left the "Cubby" costume unwearable.  Cossin's wasn't quoted as saying, "Cubby's gonna be on the DL until we get the costume back from the dry cleaner.  I think Cubby learned a valuable lesson to not eat seafood at a ballpark.  Especially not two hours after the game's over on a 97 degree day."

Cossin's didn't add, "Besides, Cubby is really Simon the Chipmunk, we bought it second hand and just ripped off the sweater and glasses.  We've been trying to get a real bear costume, but Billy Cub has cornered the market, and has outbid us on every bear costume that comes up on Ebay!".  It is speculated however, that Cubby has been scandalized in Florida by an affair with the mascot of Rita's Italian Ice, who was until recently, married to the Pirate Mascot of the Bradenton Marauders.  The scandal has rocked the mascot world of Florida, and could be further reason not to promote Cubby to the Major Leagues.  

Adding to the Cub's woes is the fact that the "Billy" in "Billy Cub" is a reference to the infamous curse of the Billy Goat, which has plagued the team since 1945.  "We'd really like to forget curses and focus more on pedestrian malls and bridges"  Todd Rickett's, the less smart and talented brother of Tom didn't say.  Billy was also detained and questioned for the recent mailing of a 'goats head' to Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field near the start of this season.  However, a lack of evidence, and Billy's inability to wrap up and box a head while wearing his furry pawed costume lead to his release.

This drunken goat and his owner have cursed the Cubs for the past 73 years.  Is Billy involved?

The Goat is also a known symbol of Satan and his minions.

The Cubs have had their run-ins with Satan in the past.  Pictured above is the infamous Ronnie Woo Woo, who's fire and brimstone sermons led many Cub Fans to Satan in the late 1980's.  He was marginalized quickly though, by a now unclassified CIA program which addicted many unlicensed mascots to Crack in order to restrict the spread of copyright infringement.  Ronnie was asked at the Cubs last home stand what he thought of the continuing Billy Cub investigation, and was not quoted as saying, "Billy, Woo! Cubs. Woo!  Who? Woo!  Cubs Woo!".  He then asked me for a dollar, and got some fat drunk guy to buy him a Pina Colada at the Captain Morgan's Club.

Whether Billy Cub is a Satanist like "Woo Woo" as well as a communist, and trademark infringing criminal is unknown, but one thing is certain.  When the dust settles in the battle against unofficial Cubs mascots, my money is on the the big money.  Rickett's has nearly endless funds to battle Billy Cub and the leftist organizations that back him.  If the Cubs succeed in bringing down Billy's underground mascot empire, the mascot might end up where many real bears end up in this city.  In jail.

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