Bad News Bears Give Birth to Cubs

The folly of men dressed in Cub's uniforms, attempting to play a game called baseball, continued Saturday night to a sell out crowd in Milwaukee.  Giving up 5 runs (only one of which was earned), on only 6 hits and 3 walks.  Three errors were the cause of the other 4 earned runs, by Soriano, Castro, and the pitcher Jackson himself.  In fact, the Cubs have committed  a major league leading 15 errors this season and given up 11 unearned runs.  Put these unearned runs up against our 3rd to last runs scored statistic, and you have a 2013 Cubs Ballclub that is 5-11, and well, just looks kind of crappy.  The most craptastic thing about these errors is that they are being committed by the young "stars" the Cubs are currently building their team around.  Well, maybe not Soriano.  He will be laying in a hammock listening to the game from his estate in the Dominican Republic, and playing with his grandchildren by the time the Cubs win the World series (I hope).  But Castro?  This is 3 years now we've basically watched this kid barely get better in the field.  Certainly, he has great range, and gets to a lot of balls.  But those damn easy one hoppers?  Can't quite seem to handle the routine plays.  And it's killing us.
Rizzo too looks shaky.  His error on the first batter of the game Friday night resulted in a 4 run 1st inning for the Brewers.  And last night, he bobbled a ball badly trying to step on first base.  And Edwin Jackson?  Our 52 million dollar man?  Why he chucked a ball 15 feet over second base on what could have been an inning ending double play last night.  You're just giving away the game with these stupid errors.  It's disheartening as hell.  If the errors were all being committed by Luis Valbuena, it wouldn't be as awful because he's not a building bock of the future (I hope), but rather by our stars.  I think these guys need an exorcism.  They've got the Yips as a team.  Goat head?

And our poor pitchers!  Having to make all these extra pitches, face extra batters.  It's got to be disheartening when you have little to no confidence in who is fielding behind you.  It makes you feel as if you have to strike out every batter and be damn near perfect because you have no run support anyway.  The Cubs are 3rd to last in runs scored, and walks taken, and 5th to last in hits.  The Cubs are of course first place in Wild Pitches, with 13 (5 coming in one inning), and second in passed balls.  That's a ton of runners moving around the bases, many of which shouldn't have been on base to begin with!  This team needs a serious shake up!  If things don't change, and change soon.  This season will not only be forgettable, but will leave us with a terrible taste in our mouths all winter long.  Young teams are supposed to get better little by little.  And right now, even though we have not been blown out as of yet, we look worse than last year.  Or did I just forget how bad we were?

But enough about baseball....let's talk about how drunk Milwaukee Brewers fans are...

I went to the game on Friday night up in Brew Town, checked into the local Ramada, which was jam packed with Harley Davidson fanatics from all over the world.  Apparently, they are having some biker convention.  Boy, how times have changed since "The Wild Ones"  when it comes to bikers and biker gangs.  First of all these guys are all old, fat and grizzled, and instead of dealing drugs and rough necking it, hard drinking, and loose women, the bikers now hold charity events and raise money for cancer research.  Basically, they are really good people now, and I'm the asshole that wishes they were still dangerous outlaws scaring up the straights in small town USA.  Those days seem to be long gone.
 
So, we get to the game, and a severely drunken, likely underage, girl comes stumbling up the stairs with her friends.  I mean this girl can barely stand up.  She sits down in the aisle and kind of blankly stares at a stranger as if to say, "where the fuck am I?  What is going on?"  So I see this girl needs a little help, not from me, but one of her more sober friends who got her this drunk in the first place  So I tap her friend on the shoulder and say, hey, your friend needs help.  You gotta get her outta here.  Especially with all the Bro's sitting around us who looked basically like date rapers eyeing her as a possible conquest from afar.  But instead the friend proceeds to take shit loads of pictures of herself with the same dums ass smile with all here more sober friends, she of course stylized them with some instagram filter, and posted them to facebook, and basically ignored her friend who looked as if she was gonna hurl at any second.  A sad scene.  Then this red haired girl comes up who instead of helping her basically admonishes her for her behavior.  But that doesn't help at all, yelling at the person while they're drunk.  Just ask my ex wife.  So, We left our seats to go smoke a ciggy, and when we came back an inning or 2 later, she was surrounded by cops.  So at least she was in better hands?  Who knows?  Either way....kinda ugly scene...she showed up in the first inning like that....

I also witnessed a Brewer fan homoerotically pantomime face fucking his Cub Fan friend after the Brewers scored a run. He was one of the "date rapers" I tracked earlier.  And while at the Brewers little patio bar, a Black eyed Broham elbowed my friend in the back, and instead of apologizing for it, tried to start a fight with us.  I redirected his sloppy ire and diffused the situation, and I wish I had this on tape, but he was describing himself, and the evening he was having, and he said something to the effect of..."My friends, they were like, lets go out, and we can do something, and I'm like, yeah man, I don't really care, whatever".  I just said, well, you sound like a man who knows what he wants out of life.  And quickly left the conversation and the area.

All in all, and I've been twice now, Miller Park is tolerable on a sunny day with the roof open, and a dark chasm of drunken date rapers on a Friday night.  Hey, at least they let you smoke.

After that we went to the Casino.  BTW.  They have free shuttles all around Miller Park that can get you close to where you're going.  I won a little money on a slot, my friend lost, so we left.  All in all, meh, I prefer the Indiana boats.  Potawotami Casino is trying to be Vegas, and they totally forgot that they are in shitty ass Milwaukee and a bunch of cheesers.  Hey Milwaukee, you're not cool and you look stupid trying.

So, what do we have to look forward to today?  Little Chinstrap "I don't know how to cover first base" Feldman vs.  Wily Peralta.  Ugh...I just don't have a good feeling about this....not at all....

But...
Go Cubbies!!!!

Sitting at Wrigley with a French Guy

Yesterday was awesome.  Not only did I get to send the Cubbies off to Milwaukee with a little "Go Cubs Go" from my 6$ terrace reserved seats, but the rain held off long enough to watch Carlos "The Stache" Villanueva to provide the Cubs with his 3rd strong outing of the season.  Allowing only 4 hits, two runs (on solo homers), and striking out 6,  Car-ville is what every manager in the MLB would LOVE out of a 5th starter.  My only regret is that he didn't come out of the game in the middle of an inning so as to give him a standing ovation while he left the field.  Hopefully, his great performances continue, and he will inspire legions of fans to sport his old tyme moustache look.  Check it out!

Other positives include back to back homeruns by Rizzo and Soriano, and a 4 hit game by Catcher "Beef" Wellington Castillo who is now batting .425.  Given Castillo's hitting prowess, I don't even mind all the wild pitches and passes balls today.  All in all, a great game where the Cubs fired on all cylinders.  Even Carlos Marmol, save for a couple of out of control pitches was lights out on the mound in the 9th.  Great to see him succeed, even if he still doesn't seem to be up to his old form again yet.  James Russel was awesome as always and still has not allowed a run this year.  

Another cool thing about yesterday is, I went to the game with a french theater director named Valery who had never seen a baseball game before.  He drank an Old Style, ate a Chicago Dog, and we had a great time discussing art history between plays.  I always love bringing foreigners to ballgames.  As I try to explain what happens on the field, I realize the idiosyncrasies of the game, as well as how strange some of our baseball traditions seem to an outsider.  For example, when the 7th inning stretch came around, I turned to Valery and said, "OK, now every one stands and sings a song together."  He looked incredulous, as if those words could not have possibly just come out of my mouth.  It is a rather odd tradition to someone unfamiliar with the custom.  He also thought the on deck batter could somehow be involved in the play, just because he was standing on the side swinging a bat.  That would be awesome if the on deck hitter could run into the field after the ball is batted and try to disrupt the play.  Arena Baseball!  Well, at least Valery speaks English.  Last time I went to a ball game with a foreigner was when I brought an Argentinian to Yankee Stadium on opening day.  Trying to explain the rules of baseball is hard enough, let alone trying to explain it in intermediate level spanish.  "Cuando este hombre tira la pelota...."  Further confusion and hilarity reigned when I found out that the Spanish word for catch "cojer", is slang for "sex" in Argentina.  So when I said "Coje la pelota", in his country it would mean "make love" to the ball. That's a whole new ballgame....

  Back to baseball.

So what can you say about a team that's capable of beating the Rangers so solidly?  I know it's only one game, but if these young Cubs start to believe in themselves, the sky seems to be the limit.  There's no reason we can't go to Wrigley North this weekend in Milwaukee and steal back 4th place from the Brew Crew.  We have been competitive in every single game this season.  Well....at least we haven't been blown out.   And our record would be a lot better than the 5-9 where we currently stand if it wasn't for just a few mental errors and miscues.  The Cubs may be bad this year, we may not win the World Series this year, but I think we will look better building towards a brighter tomorrow this year.  What I'm saying is, I don't think we will lose embarrassingly, nor do I think we will lose 100 games.

This afternoon, I will be driving up to Milwaukee to watch at least Friday night's game, and do a little gambling at Potawotami Bingo Casino.  Send good JUJU my way so I can afford to continue my lifestyle and career as a professional Cubs fan.  The new podcast will be out soon too, as soon as the lovable Lou Sear's drunken ass picks up the phone.  In the meantime.  Take a look at the website....maybe buy some Amazon stuff through our search bar?  http://www.sonranto.com

You can help Lou and I in tickets and beer!

Go Cubbies!!!!

The Cubs Look Bad in Hotlanta and other Matters

Here is a list of Cubs position players in Atlanta last night who do not have a hit this year.  Sappelt, DeJesus, Lillibridge, Valbuena.  Here is a list of Position players batting under .200.  Hairston,  Navarro, Rizzo, Soriano.  This is not good.  Obviously not good.  Terrible.  Ok.  Fine it's April and it's colder.  As far as I'm concerned.  Excuses Excuses.  The cold doesn't make a batter swing at a pitch one foot outside the strike zone does it?  Does the cold make you miss hit and run signs?  I mean, as exciting as Dionner "la casa" Navarro is trying to steal second base is, I still only want to see that sort of thing on Celebrity Fit Club not in a Major League baseball game.

Other reasons why the Cubs look bad.  I think Scott Feldman and Beef Wellington Castillo need an interpreter more than Takahashi.  Judging by Feldmans chin strap beard, he is obviously Amish and speaks an obscure German dialect, while Castillo's original language is Spanish.  How else could you explain 2 wild pitches, 4 walks, a hit batsman and 3 stolen bases?  The battery looked like it was shorting out last night.  To further pick on Feldman, while attempting to cover first base on a grounder to Rizzo, Feldman missed the base by a few inches, and that run later scored.  How many times did they run that drill in Spring Training?  1000?  I don't know.  Except for that it's just fundamentally shitty fielding.  Feldman also committed an error.  Did I mention he kind of pitched like shit too?  Well.  He did.  So far, not a fan of the chinstrap.

Ok.  I would rather watch Ron Santo's legless ghost play 3rd base than Brent Lillibridge.  Not only is he a career .209 hitter who belongs in his home town in Washington State coaching high school baseball and teaching remedial math class to learning disabled kids, but he's also a leprechaun.  Nuff said.  My prediction?  The pot of gold is hidden under home plate, because he doesn't ever leave the batters box when its his turn at bat.

Anthony Rizzo struck out thrice last night.  He chased pitches all night long.  He looked like shit.  This is the future people.  Our future.  I know we all think he's the second less drunk coming of Mark Grace, but it's unproven.  Professional pitchers know how to miss his bat.

Other miscues...Alberto Gonzales clearly was out of position to tag a runner stealing second, which pissed off Beef Wellington, resulting in some of those afore mentioned pitcher/ catcher crossups, and a run.  The Cubs struck out 9 times and didn't walk once.  Swinging and missing badly on many a third strike.  Oh....and they only scored one run.  On a home run, with no one on base.  And they lost.

The one positive take away?  Carlos Marmol did not appear in this game.

Now on the podcast, located here,  I predicted we would lose this game and win the next two.  So far I'm right, I just didn't think the Cubbies would look so bad losing.  One the bright side, Carlos Villanueva is going against Julio Teheran who is basically a rookie.  Gives me some semblance of hope we can scratch a win out.

One interesting thing to watch for, and I'm going to predict it here.  There will be a fist fight in this series.  You may know about the Braves GM waving the Cubs relief pitchers off the field while they were playing catch in the outfield.  Check the story out here...There were two hit batters last night.  Add a little batting frustration, and you got yourself a Donnybrook!  Maybe it'll light a fire under their ass....

OK.  Enough with the nay saying!  Let's go get em tonight!!!

Your First Place Chicago Cubs!!

While the hated St. Louis Bird Droppings languish in last place, the Cubs sit atop the NL Central!  Many that has a nice ring to it!  Our magic number is now 161.  And if we extrapolate the performances of the players yesterday, Anthony Rizzo will hit 162 home runs.  Brent Lillibridge will strike out 486 times.  And Carlos Marmol will almost lose every game for us.  But let's stay positive for a moment....

First of all.  A special thanks to Three Aces Bar on Taylor st.  and Benny the bartender for not judging me for drinking in the day time.  The lovable Lou Sears and I had a lovely afternoon drinking Left Handed Stout.  I also ate a delicious pulled pork sandwich, kale salad, and the best tomato soup ever for only 10$.  And yes.  That was a commercial.  The game seemed to zip by, as Samardzija just mowed em down.  9 strike outs, 2 hits, 0 runs, 8 innings.  Do we have a bonified ace now?  Lou Sears is convinced he's the second coming of Randy Johnson.  I still remain unconvinced until his fastball kills a bird.

Yeah...the Shark was great!  Let's hope this trend continues, and when the rest of the staff is healthy, we might actually make things interesting in the Central this year.  Like the Pirates last year.  Castro and Castillo had 2/3 of the Cubs 6 hits, which basically means that the rest of the team, besides Rizzo who homered didn't do anything.  Soriano struck out twice, and Lillibridge, that elf looking MoFo, was horrible.  3 Ks and an error.  We need our Dar Bar back and fast!  

OK.  Marmol.  WTF.  

He should not close a game ever.  It's over for him.  I'm sorry, but it just is.  Marmol was a great 8th inning guy.  But in the 9th.  He's a head case.  Why in the hell do pitchers treat the 9th inning with such a different energy?  Just go up there, execute each pitch, and get the guy out!  No matter what inning it is!  One pitch at a time.  Carlos Marmol is incapable of closing ballgames.  Period.  I have no idea if Fujikawa is any good.  All I know is, he got the save yesterday,and was pumped his fist when he got the fly ball to center to save the game.  So Dale.  Mr. Sveum.  Please.  Don't ever let Carlos Marmol pitch in the 9th inning.  Please.  Thank You.  

So who else sucked?  Lillibridge.  I actually think I hate him.  First of all, he's an ex White Sox.  Second of all.  He sucks.  and he looks like an elf.  Or a troll.  All I know is he's better off on Lucky Charms boxes and not playing second base.  I'd rather see Aaron Fucking Miles hitting weak scribblers to second than watch Brent "Magically delicious" Lillibridge play baseball.  Got it.   Dar Bar come back to us!!!

After the game, The lovable Lou Sears and I went over to the Billy Goat Tavern and met up with friends and did shots of Malort until we were either gonna sleep or fight.  Big thanks to our Bar Tender Jeff who kept me and the boys in line.  We capped off the night with an amazing Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds concert at the beautiful Chicago Theater.  Seriously incredible show.  And the perfect end to what turned out to be the best opening day I've had in a looooonngggg time....

So what's next?  Edwin Jackson debuts for the North Siders against Wandy Rodriguez.  Wandy always seems to pitch the Cubbies tough, and we've seen a lot of him in a Houston uniform.  I actually wish he was on our team.  I'd rather have him than Scott Baker at this point. Anyhow, he's on the Pirates now, and we gotta figure out a way to beat him on Wednesday night.  I'm psyched to see what Edwin Jackson can do  for us.  We've got him for 4 years and 52 million.  So...he better not get injured, and he'd better win 80 games through 2017.  Got it?

Go Cubbies.

Cubs Predictions for 2013

Today is the day that Zombie Jesus rides again.  And this year. Every MLB sportswriter in the world makes their predictions for the coming season.  Well...this is a Cub's Centric blog, so I'm not going to waste time talking about other teams.  but I will waste time talking about what I think will happen to the Chicago Cubs this year....

The team:
 With Ron Santo's ghost out for the season with no legs, the Cubs enter 2013 with no third baseman.  However Santo's ghost is being fitted with those awesome prosthetics that that olympian murderer runner wore.  Santo's ghost could be ready for a playoff run.

Andre Dawson will make another hilarious video with Kerry Wood, however this time it will be a sex tape called "Gerry Curl's got Wood".

The Astros will have not won a single game by July 10th, and demand to play the Cubs at least 12 times a season in order to have a fighting chance.

The ivy will die on the walls due to a disease similar to the Irish Potato blight, causing Cub's chairman Tom Rickett's to replace the iconic ivy with Chia Pet's in an effort to raise advertising revenue for the club.  Every time an opposing batter strikes out the jingle "CH-CH-CH-Chia!" will be played.

A drunken Billy Corgan will die falling out of the broadcast booth while singing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game".  Tribune headline reads. "Corgan Smashes Pumpkins; Cubs Lose 14th straight".

Marla Collins will return as ball girl, but unfortunately she looks like this now....

Now on to the individual players.

Jeff Samardzija will be sued and forced to shave his head, by Mitch Williams who copyrighted his mullet while playing in chicago in 1989.

Darwin Barney will gain the nickname "Dar Bar" and consequentially launch a new 'healthy' candy bar of the same name.  Unfortunately, the confection will be a complete failure because the people of Chicago don't care about their health.

Dionner Navarro will suffer a massive heart attack at Gibson's Steakhouse on August 15th (an off day), but return to the lineup the next day and go 3-4 with a home run and a double against the hated Cardinals.

Alfonso Soriano quits baseball forever to start a new career in Acting where he will play 'The Cowardly Lion' in Marriot Lincolnshire's production of "The Wiz" this fall.

David DeJesus's hot wife Kim leaves him for me.

Starlin Castro is assaulted on the field in NYC by a woman 8 months pregnant claiming Starlin to be the Father, however further DNA tests after the babies birth confirm the child to be David DeJesus's, whose wife then leaves him for me.

Kyuji Fujikawa will get into a fistfight in the bullpen with Carlos Marmol over whether the original Karate Kid from the 80's was better than the one with Will Smith's daughter.  Fujikawa will win with the Daniel San's Crane kick because Marmol never saw the original movie and didn't see the other foot coming.

I'll keep these predictions sealed in a pickle jar to be opened at the end of the season.  Let's see how many come true!!

Organist Loses Job. Oh...and Cubs lose in final Ho Ho Kam match up.

Yesterday's game was great.  Sweet base running.  A Soriano homer.  Good pitching by Villanueva. 

Yes.  The game was great until we lost.  and why did we lose?  Left handed reliever Takahashi was left in the game for three innings.  Why?  I don't know.  I just couldn't tell ya.  Maybe Dale was trying to see how far he could push the guy.  Well....he pushed him, and we saw, we all saw.... But I will say this about Takahashi.  He looked good in his first two innings.  But We lost.  One sweet thing about it is that on MLB's website, the cubs are 17-16 this spring instead of 16-17.  Let's hope we can count on some of those errors in the regular season too and we can pick up a few games through computer error.  It's like winning 10$ in the beauty contest when you land on Community chest!

As far as the end of Ho Ho Kam stadium?  Who could tell it better than the stadium organist.

The best thing about this video is that he plays a sweet organny version of Quiet Riot's 'Cum on Feel the Noise'.  Yeah, pretty awesome!  Let's see Wrigley's Gary Pressey do that.  Time to up your game sir!  I have a couple of suggestions for great new songs the organists can play to match what I expect to be a mediocre season.  How bouts' Twisted Sister's 'We're not Gonna Take It'.  Or maybe AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell'.  Yes, that would pretty much describe it....Get to Work Pressey!

So, it looks like Clevenger is gonna make the club, which is exciting to me.  Mostly because he kinda looks like a confederate soldier, you know, the kinda dick who would punch you in the back of the head in Junior High for no reason.  The Cub's need more dicks on the team.  The Yankee's have plenty, especially Texiera.  Boy does he look like a dick!  But what do you think? Clev looks like a Rebel!

Plus!  Clev has a sweet Bad Teenage Moustache, which is also the name of my band.  So a little promotion never hurt.

So what's on the Cub's plate to finish off this Spring?!  We head to Houston to take on the American League West Champion Astros!

It'll be nice to see em for old time's sake.  And check out their new sweet Uniforms.....

I was really hoping they'd go back to these.....

With their sweet Leg Numbers!!!

Meh...we only play em 3 times this year, as opposed to 18 last year.  Well....good riddance!!  I always hated you bastards...The only good thing to ever happen at Minute Maid Park was this...

Go Cubbies!!