Cubs Trade Entire Team For Team to Be Named Later

In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later.  Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team.  Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond.  Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.

The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue".  Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success.  I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen.  This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs.  It feels like home."  Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come.  "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks.  Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while.  It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me"  Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued.  "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at.  I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son.  Everyone knows that I'm in over my head." 

The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014.  In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization.  Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days.  The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013. 

The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees.  It's just easier that way."  

What will the Cubs do with the savings?  Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field.  In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club.  The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.  

Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool.  Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head.  That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"

Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent.   One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too.  The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!"  When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!".  "Woo" indeed my friend.  "Woo" indeed.

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Why the Cubs Should Keep Soriano

When Alfonso Soriano was signed to an 8 year, 136 million dollar contract before the 1987 season, I was personally thrilled that the Cubs were playing the money game like the Yankees who are consistently stocked with talent, and always in the playoff mix.  I thought to myself, "Finally! We can field a team of superstars!".  Little did I know that the Soriano of 2007, would see a great drop off in numbers from the previous, 46 homer 41 stolen base, year, hitting 13 less homers and stealing 22 less bags, never again to return to the 2006 player that wowed everyone and garnered a huge contract.  Yes, for 136 million the Cubs could have received the production of 2 Sorianos!  

For the first few years of his bloated Cubs contract, his defense was shoddy, his hustle was abysmal, and he was injured for the first time in his career.  We all watched him hobble on his shot knees in the summers of 2008 and 9, finally requiring surgery.  We watched his batting average dip from around .300 to the mid 200's, his running game become nearly non existent, and his power drop off from his pre-Cub days, at least 10-15 homers per season.  All this from a defensive wild card, and an aloof personality.  But then something changed....

When Soriano came back from his knee surgery, it was as if a small fire had been lit under his butt.  He renewed his commitment to being a great player again.  He worked on his defense and got better.  He hustled.  He hit home runs again (32 last year), and he started stealing bases again (10 so far this year).  Most importantly, he started having fun playing baseball, and it shows!  

I go to a ton of Cub's games, both at Wrigley and on the road.  When I'm at Wrigley, I prefer the fence leaning seats in Terrace reserved on either side of the stadium, but when I'm on the road, I like to sit by Soriano.  It all started because of a traveling companion and lover who is hot for Soriano.  She basically likes to sit behind him and check out his butt for three hours.  But it's more than that!  On the road, Soriano gives steely stares to opposing, jeering fans.  He dances to the other team's walk up music, and most importantly he's a conducts himself as a professional, and he looks like a star.  Regardless of his numbers, he has the "it" factor and he's fun to watch. Unlike Rizzo's mooky hunkiness, and Castro's slick boyish look, Soriano's a real man.  He's a vet and he commands attention, even though his numbers don't deserve 18 million this year and next.  He will be 38 years old during the last year of his contract next year, and with the Cubs going the "youth movement way", (Rizzo and Castro are both 23), they could really use a veteran to look up to.  The Soriano of 6 years ago would NOT have been the man to be a leader to these youngsters, but the Soriano of today is perfect for that job.  I hope they keep him around.  Not just for his bat,  but for who he is.

Now, I'm not an idiot.  The Cubs have kept many fan favorites around too long just because they were popular.  Even Ryne Sandberg probably should have been traded after 1993, because he was injured for a whole year, and his production dropped off considerably through 1997.  What if the Cubs could have gotten a few prospects for him?  Would the 90's have been any different for the North Side?  So yeah, if we can get some great future stars, sure, trade Soriano, let him have a chance to return to New York, where he started.  So many people still love him there.  I lived in NYC for 18 years, and the gas station where I usually took my car, had a "Soriano Way" Yankees street sign hanging up, a decade after being a Yankee.  I lived in a Dominican neighborhood, and he was still a fan favorite, even years after being on the team.  Do you know who else's favorite player he is?  My 7 year old and 5 year old niece's.  And my girlfriends.  And mine.  

Theo and Jed are gonna do what they're gonna do.  They're looking into the future and trying to trade their way to a lean, mean, and very young super nova that will win the World Series sometime in the next 5 years.  They are the wonder boys after all, and we have to as fans, at least trust the process.  If it doesn't work, it'll be the same story as always, and we can look forward to another lost decade.  But if it does work, and the Cubs are constant contenders under the helm of the new Cubs brass, there will be nothing but rejoicing on the North Side.  The Cubs will get young, and stay young, and its true, there's no room for Soriano in that equation.  But I for one hope that Soriano at least plays out his contract in Chicago.  He's not really blocking anyone except maybe now, Junior Lake, who has hit the majors like a storm, who's batting .529 in his first 4 games, and hit his first major league homer last night.  But what of the intangibles of veteran leadership?  Soriano, for better or worse, fills that role, all while remaining a fan favorite.  The bleacher bums love him!  Chicagoan's resist change, the Cubs have choked for 100 plus years, so yeah, it's time to try something different.  But can't it wait one more year?  Especially since it's projected the Cubs will have to eat most of the money anyway in any trade?  Keep Soriano around for his bright white smile, his sweet swing, and his 'new found' commitment to greatness.  

So Alfonso Soriano, if I've seen you play your last game as a Cub, thanks for the memories.  I've booed you, cheered you, and laughed at and with you.  I've sung the bunny hop song when you caught fly balls.  I've cheered you in Spanish and English.  We've shared smiles, and danced together to walk up music.  And hopefully, the next time I see you it will still be in a Cubs uniform, and I can tell my niece, "Hey look! It's Alfonso Soriano!"  Her eyes will light up, and she'll fall in love with baseball, and an aging Cub, just like I did when Andre Dawson hit 49 dingers for the last place Cubs in 1987, and Ryne Sandberg grew a handsome mustache.  So, keep Soriano!  Unless of course you can get something great for him worth 18 million smackers.

http://www.sonranto.com

Best Cubs Game of the Year!

I wasn't going to go to yesterday's Cubs game, because A. I was hungover from the Tito's Vodka Trailer in the VIP section of the Robert Plant Concert on Friday, and B.  The tickets on StubHub never went under 40$, or at least when they did, they were either snatched up before I could buy em, or they were in nosebleed, and simply not worth it.  But after a day of recovery, and the sound of Pat Hughes saying "Cubs Baseball is On the Air!", I put on pants and headed down on my faithful two wheeled steed, to at least be around Wrigley, for the electric atmosphere of 42,000 fans witnessing a rare Saturday night ballgame at the Friendly Confines.  I'm glad I went.

I snapped off a few shots, around the ballpark, when I was approached by a lovely gentleman, sporting a shiny gold tooth,  inquiring of my need to procure tickets to tonights contest.  I hadn't planned on it, thinking the seats would be "premium priced", but after a brief and amicable negotiation, we agreed on 30$ for a 200 level seat in the 13th row behind home plate.  I introduced myself as Son Ranto, he as Cleo, and I asked him if we could take a picture together for today's blog.  He agreed. And here it is.

Cleo is probably the nicest scalper I have yet done business with outside of Wrigley.  His price was fair, his negotiation easy, and he didn't act as if I was taking food out of a baby's mouth just because I haggled a 40$ asking price down to 30$.  So, if you don't have a ticket, Cleo's you're man.  You don't get an expensive gold tooth in this business if you're not good at what you do.  And Cleo is excellent.  

Heading through the turnstiles, there is always that brief moment when you think you just bought a counterfeit seat.  I've bought many counterfeit products in the past, but don't learn my lesson.  I've bought powdered sugar for 120$, oregano for 50$, and a bag of mushrooms, that it took an hour of looking at my hands, to realize were also counterfeit, at a Grateful Dead show in Tampa in 1995.  But this ticket was real, and a great seat!  Thanks Cleo!

My only issue with this seat was the obstructed view caused by the ivory headed man in front of me.  Cleo couldn't have foreseen that though, and I didn't blame him.  

What a ballgame!  The Cubs roughed up Lance Lynn early, and by the end of the 4th inning, the Cubs had a 6-1 lead.  Garza, in likely his last start as a Cub, was pretty damn good, pitching 6 2/3 and giving up 2, while Soriano and Valbuena both hit homeruns. They'd need all of it, as the Cardinals fought back in the last three innings, putting the tying run on base in the 8th, and the go ahead run on base in the 9th.  Cubs/Cardinals games are highly charged events, and with the blankets of red covering large swaths of the seating bowl, the Crimson colored fans made their presence known throughout the game. The stadium was packed for the forst time this year, and it was electric!

Seated next to me throughout the game, were two very nice Cardinal's fans from the Champagne/Urbana area named TJ and Katrina.  Katrina was quite inebriated upon our first meeting, but TJ supplied her with food until she proclaimed herself sober enough to watch by about the 5th inning.  The Trayvon Martin verdict came in "not guilty"during the 7th, and we all had a frank discussion about race, segregation, opportunity, and the fear that violence might erupt in Chicago tonight.  Well...not sure what would make it particularly different than any other bloody Summer Saturday in Chicago, but none of us certainly hoped to find out either.  They were thoughtful about the verdict and what it meant.  These are Card's fans from Illinois, not Missouri.  I'm now certain it makes a difference as to your level of social and political progressiveness.  And it has since Missouri was admitted as a slave state in 1820.

TJ is a nice guy and a huge fan, and it was a pleasure to sit next to him to get the lowdown on what's going on with the Cards, and how he felt about each player.  It was refreshing to hear him say, "Oh...Descalso's up...easy out".  Because to me, there is no such thing when the Cubs face the Cards.  All the Cardinal's hitters seem dangerous.  And have seemed that way since Keith Hernandez was playing 1st base...BTW....if you haven't seen this Keith Hernandez mockumentary....you just should...it's awesome...

Take me Out to the Ballgame was sung masterfully out of tune by Dutchie Carey, as last night was the anniversary of the untimely death of our beloved Harry at the the age of 84.

And of course, the most exciting part of the game was the last out, and the traditional singing of Steve Goodman's "Go Cubs Go!".

Cubs Win!  Cubs Win! Holy Cow!

So great game.  Great fans.  I drank Pepsi instead of beer.  And when it was all said and done, as I smoked a celebratory cigarette outside the main gates, I was approached by a young couple, holding 2 Harry Carey statues (yesterday's giveaway) who asked me to take their picture on their iphone.  I said, "and it'll only cost you just one Harry Carey statue".  I was kidding of course, but after the photo session, the guy said, "here you go", and handed me one of them.  I couldn't believe my luck!  I introduced myself, and thanked them profusely.  This generosity after a Cubs win, had my heart full of Chicago baseball pride.  What lovely humans!  So, a big shout out to Zach and Meta!  You guys are the best!!!

Gonna do it again today!  

It's a matchup of All Stars.  Wainwright, who we beat in St. Louis, vs. Wood.  This is the ESPN Sunday night game, so I look forward to all of my Twitter followers and followees complaining about the announcers, such as they did last night with Fox's Cardinal's biased Buck and McCarver.  I'll make a suggestion to either come down to Wrigley on those nights, or listen to Pat and Keith.  I hate the national announcers...hate em....

Ok!!!! Play us out Accordion guy!

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Cubsplosion!!!!!

 5 Home Runs!  Count em! 1-2-3-4-5!  For your 2013 Chicago Cubs last night!  Two by Soriano, who's been hot as a pistol, batting .390 with 7 homeruns and 16 RBI's in the last 10 games.  

A 3 run shot by Darwin Barney, who's been batting .132 during that same stretch. 

One by Starlin Castro, .256 with 2 dingers in the last 10.

 And one by Anthony Rizzo, .158 in the last 10 games.  

The Cubs overall have gone 7-3 in this last 10 game stretch.  So yes folks, we are in one of those coveted periods of a Cubs baseball season when Alfonso Soriano carries the team.  Let's hope the other 3 men follow suit.  We're all waiting for Barney, Rizzo and Castro to get it together.... But right now....It's Soriano time!!

And hilariously, it was all witnessed by this awesome mulleted man!  Here he is cheering for Soriano's first homer of the night!

I call this hairstyle, the "Coonskin Cap"!

What is all amounted to last night anyway, was 7 runs for the Cubs on 9 hits, while the Angels only managed 2 runs on a Poo Holes homerun, which I correctly predicted while walking to the ballpark.  Once a Cub killer.....you know the rest....But It was nice to hear the smattering of boos around Wrigley for Albert as he confidently strode to the plate.  Being such a damned muggy night in the confines last night didn't make it easy to boo or cheer, or make any sort of physical movement.  For once, I wished we had an air conditioned stadium like Miller Park.  So damned muggy, but I booed all the same.  I love booing Poo Holes.  It's cathartic, and a past time I am loathe to give up just because he's in the AL now.  Boooooooo......

The wind barely touched my neck as it blew down Waveland....cooling me down to a heat index of 106 degrees.....

Now, in the false reality, known as the Twitterverse, I'm seeing people actually complaining that the Cubs have been playing better baseball.  Ruining their draft chances, by being a middle of the pack team, instead of god awful team like the Marlins or Astros.  Let me tell you something.  The draft barely matters.  Lot's of high picks don't make the majors, and tons of low picks do.  Sure your chances might slightly increase with a super high pick, but until one of these kids puts on a major league uniform, you just don't know what you're going to get.  For example, have you ever heard of Ryan Harvey?  No?  Exactly.  He was picked #1 by the Cubs, 6th overall in 2003.  How bout someone you may have heard of, 2007's Josh Vitters,  who in his 99 MLB At Bats has hit .121 with 2 homeruns.  He's not tearing the cover off the ball in Iowa either, batting .270 with 3 dingers this year. Sure....we picked Shawon Dunston in 1982, but Vance Lovelace the year before, and Tony Woods the year after.  Who?  Exactly.  So for all you nay sayers who want to watch the Cubs suck so you can pick higher.  You're ridiculous.  What about creating a winning culture?  Some momentum towards the future?  That is just as important as anything.  Rizzo and Castro are having terrible years.  What's going to pick them up off the ground?  A draft pick?  No.  Winning, winning and more winning.  I for one hope we get back to .500.  Everyone picked us to finish last this year.  Screw em! I hope we finish 3rd because the Cardinals go on a 53 game losing streak.  Draft picks don't win championships.  Winning teams do.  Period.  

Winning teams tend to have a healthy mix of youth with experience, veterans, and a hotshot rookie or two.  It's about balance, culture, focus, and execution.  How will the Cubs achieve this?  Well, youth with experience.  Castro, Rizzo, Barney.  Veterans?  Who knows?  Stick with Schierholz?  DeJesus? Soriano?  The man can obviously still hit.  And his fielding has genuinely improved.  Question is, will he take less money, like a 1987 Dawson contract.  And who will the hot shot rookie be?   Baez? Almora? Who the hell knows?  Draft pick Shmaft pick.

More winning baseball to come tonight!  CJ wilson, 8-6, 3.49 vs Jeff Samarefbvjhwev$#6njn, 5-8, 3.54.  On paper, they beat us by .05 runs.  I'll be there as long as I can hook up 10$ seats.  Feeling cheap these days....or broke...both...but if all goes well with Stub Hub...I'll be doing this later....

http://www.sonranto.com

Cubs' DeJesus Explodes in Fiery Wall Crash; Wins!

When I was in little league, if I screwed up a play, I would act as if some injury caused me to miss the ball, when in actuality, it was a lack of basic skill coupled with clumsiness that had far earlier ruined my chance of athletic success.  That was NOT the case last night with David DeJesus, who knocked in what proved to be the game winner, with a bases clearing, 3 run triple, in the Cubs 6-3 win against the NY Mets.  He then crashed into a wall, exploded into flames, and will now be on the disabled list, for how long? Nobody knows yet.  

Here's DeJesus crashing into a Geico sign.

He then, exploded into flames, and was engulfed in a fiery ball.  

 

Fortunately, the Cubs hottest hitter, Nate Schierholtz, who hit his 9th homerun in the first last night, is also a volunteer fireman, and he instructed Darwin Barney (1 for 4), to spit sunflower seeds on the flaming DeJesus.  

The fire was put out promptly by the seeds, and DeJesus walked off the field under his own power hanging his head in shame, while Dale Sveum itched a hemorrhoid.

Suspicious Cubs fans were quick to react on Twitter last night, speculating that this "fiery crash" into a Geico sign, was actually a new form of advertising, deployed by the Rickett's family to provide another revenue stream for the team.  Progressive Insurance, and their peppily annoying, red pubed spokeswoman, Flo, has been seen at Cubs' Corporate offices in recent days, reportedly to negotiate a subliminal advertising deal with the Cubs to bring down rival Geico.  What better way than with a fiery crash into a Geico sign? 

The media attention immediately turned to other Cubs' players, wondering who on the team would "go down" next in order to spend time on the DL.  Rumor has it, that projects are in the works for Starlin Castro to become sickened to the point of "on field vomiting", by "Miracle Grow" during the upcoming series in Oakland in order to promote Cubs sponsor "Scotts Turf Builder", and to spend more time with his "girlfriend", exotic dancer 'Wild Wanda'.  While Alfonso Soriano has reportedly agreed to be killed by the Toyota sign over the left field bleachers in order to get away from his 4 rambunctious kids and jealous wife, and to promote the new Ford Focus, a recent sponsor of the Cubs. 

 The sign is scheduled to fall and fatally wound Soriano during a September 4th afternoon game against Miami to minimize fan casualties, as attendance is expected to be sparse.  

Tom Ricketts recently said in an interview that never actually happened, that in order to put a winner on the field, the team needs to explore other more unconventional ways to make money.  In addition to the concerts, football and hockey games held at Wrigley Field, the Cubs are also considering a massage parlor in the batters eye, growing marijuana in the bullpens, and in the off season, possibly setting fire to the entire structure for the insurance money and moving the team to Rosemont.  "We have to explore all avenues" Ricketts didn't really say. "Baseball is a business, and I'm a billionaire!"  He then laughed maniacally for 21 minutes and passed out in a giant pile of rubies he keeps next to his desk.  Though that didn't really happen.  

With the 2013 trade deadline looming, and a general malaise hanging over the team, now seems like the perfect time to put the Cubs unconventional renovation plans into effect.  Throughout the year, we will most likely see more strange injuries like the one to DeJesus last night.  Who will it be next?  Time will tell.  But this is how a Championship Team is built.  With Money.  Lot's and lot's of money.  As some guy one time once said, "Can't Make an Omelette Without Breaking a Few Eggs." Raw eggs don't taste very good, but omelettes are delicious.  

2015 World Champ Cubs Keep Losing in 2013

I propose that the Guns and Roses beautiful power ballad, "Patience" should be the song that the players take the field to at the start of the game for the rest of 2013.  The notion must be reinforced that if we just wait a few more years, and allow our current core of players to develop, the  World Series trophy will be held high in Wrigley only 2 short years from now in 2015.  In the meantime, the Cubs have dropped their second straight game to the Pirates, while shut out for the first 17 innings of the 2 contests, until Alfonso Soriano's 7th homerun plated 2 in the bottom of the 9th, at the end of a 6-2 loss to Pittsburgh.

After sitting through Friday's 2-0 snoozefest loss, I wasn't about to pay 25$ to sit in nosebleed on Saturday, plus I was exhausted from hanging out with my fearless podcasting partner, The Lovable Lou Sears, who's boundless energy and love of bourbon usually ruins my life for a day or two after seeing him.  And good thing too!  The Cubs only had 4 hits against AJ Burnette, the Pirates tattooed ace.  Watching that woulda pissed me off.  I won't bother listing all of the Cubs players without a hit yesterday, so I'll stay positive and tell you who did hit.  DeJesus, Rizzo, Soriano, and Schierholtz each had 1.  Still, all but Rizzo lowered their batting average yesterday, and the Cubs slid further into the depths of the National League Central, ending the day only one game ahead of the lowly Milwaukee Brewers, and 11 games under .500.  But this is 2013....

But in 2015, we will have a new scoreboard, and it's continuous barking of advertisements and fan centric games by which we can follow a hidden baseball under one of 3 hats, will surely motivate our current future star players to new heights in the art of hitting.  Starlin Castro is hitting only .247 in 2013, but once the Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza Slice races begin, in 2015, Castro will loosen up at the plate from laughing hysterically as the Lou Malnati's Pepperoni slice trips and falls on the center field warning track.  In fact, that event, which I predict will happen in July of 2015, will be credited with actually winning the division, as all of the Cubs players laugh their way to victory, watching the replay of the Pepperoni Slice falling on the left field jumbotron.  Castro will bat .357 in 2015 with 42 Homeruns.  Likewise, Soriano, signed to another 13 year contract, locking him up into his early 50's will feel rejuvenated by the new boutique Cubs hotel and farmers market located right outside the ballpark.  The organic Kale and Quinoa he buys there will give him the fortitude to hit 38 homeruns, and steal 42 bases for the first time since 2006.  Jeff Smakjfbwfbwufbwkbjks, the Cubs Ace pitcher will win 31 games, crediting the new salon in the pedestrian mall outside of Wrigley, this future genius stylist will craft Smfbrjbfskjvsjfnwef's mullet into a finely tuned pitching machine.  Smskjfbebwfljc jfwf's hair will be aerodynamically sculpted to give him .00034 mm extra break on his curve ball.  And the National League batters won't like it one bit!  Here's is an artists rendering of what Smafdnergbaev ae's hair will look like after the renovations.

Ironically, the stylist, (pictured above) just so happens to be Kyuji Fujikawa's current interpreter.  But with Kyuji Fuji out for the rest of 2013, facing Tommy John surgery, Ryo Shinkawa used his extra time in the dugout waiting for Fujikawa's return, to carefully study the effects of pitcher's mullets on the movement and velocity of the pitched ball.  His charts, graphs, and skill with styling shears pays off in 2015 when Smabdkgbkfdsv vk goes 25-1 with a 1.34 ERA, wining the Cy Young Award, along with the Prestegious "Hair-O Dynamics" prize given bi annually by SuperCuts and Aussie Hair Products.  

But alas, this is 2013, and yesterday Smardsjkbfjsbksv gave up 4 runs on 4 hits, though he did strike out 7.  Just a few more years Jeff, and you'll be the Ace you already act like you are!

So, yes...Gun's and Roses said it best, all we need is just a little patience.  Theo, Jed and Tom have this all under control.  They are rich, so they're smarter and better than us regular people.  So let's all relax, pay full price for our tickets and enjoy 2013 as the "rebuilding year" it is.  Today, Edwin Jackson 1-8 with a 6.29 ERA goes against Jeff Locke 5-1, 2.45.  The Pirates will most likely sweep us today, just as they did on the road a few weeks ago.  But don't worry!  All we need is patience.....

And a podcast.... http://www.sonranto.com

Slams, Shams, and Sveums!

Do you know what the best thing about the 2 Grand Slams hit by the Chicago Cubs in the last 2 days is?  They were hit by both a platoon outfielder and a pitcher.  Did I mention that the back up catcher had a 3 homer day the day before?  Depth depth depth, is what you need to win a Championship.  Injuries and slumps take their toll on every team throughout the year, and you've got to have a backup plan.  Look at the Yankees who's entire starting lineup is a back up plan.  They are in second place.  The Cubs backup plan guys are now sparking the team, and hitting the cover off the ball.  But what of our original plan guys?  Ummmm...not so much.....

Sorry to bring up the negative while we are on a 5 game winning streak, but winning these games so decisively, with such incredible displays of hitting prowess, has me asking "who in the hell are these guys?!"  Castro and Rizzo, the cornerstones of this organization have struggled consistently this year.  Rizzo with a painfully slow start, including 45 strikeouts.  And Castro with a batting average of .264, far below what many of us expected from him.  Soriano is also playing below potential with only 6 homeruns.  And Darwin Barney, though a fielding phenom, is hovering precariously just above the Mendoza line at .209.  The Cubs in general are 7 games under .500, even though they have scored more runs than their opponents.  The only team to find themselves with this unlikely predicament of a stat in the majors.  They rank 6th in starting pitcher ERA, (9th overall), and they just don't hit on the road.

Wondering out loud.....Why did Sveum sit Navarro the day after his 3 homer game?  Why do the Cubs have 40 errors?  Half by the Pitchers and Catchers?  Why are we 7 games under .500 when an ancient greek philosopher named Pythagorus says we should be 2 games over.  Why?  Maybe it's because baseball isn't a "math problem" and wasn't invented in ancient Greece.  It's an American game, and as a people, Americans hate Math.  There is a place for stats as far as making decisions in this game.  Managers need to find the right matchups.  Lefty righty, double switches.  Defensive replacements.  There certainly are many factors to consider, but then there's just good old fashioned heart and gumption.  The intangibles like when a guy gets on a hot streak, or the converse, when you just know the starting pitcher doesn't have his stuff, but you try and get 5 innings anyway.  The innovations that sabermetrics has brought to the game of baseball are interesting at best.  The run expectancy charts in certain situations.   How a player hits against a specific pitcher.  Or how many strikeouts can be expected on a Tuesday, when it's partly cloudy, and the home plate umpire has explosive diarrhea.  But in my opinion, most of it is total BS.  Statistics don't play games, people do.  People with emotions, interpersonal chemistry, and good days and bad days.  Just like everyone on the planet.  I'm not calling Pythagorus a sham, I'm sure his theories are one of the reasons I'm even typing on a computer right now, but I don't think it applies to baseball as much as people involved in the front office, especially those who crave understanding and control of all things, want it to.  It's just a sham for baseball.  Better to be lucky than smart.

Speaking of smart!  Dale Sveum, our fearless bullet magnet of a manager, has come out and said he believes the team to be playing under their potential.  Well....duh...Dale were you also aware that the sun rises in the east, sets in the west, and puts two scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogs Raisin Bran?  I'm asking questions too here Dale.  Questions like why do the Cubs have an inexperienced manager, managing inexperienced players?  Was Brent Lillibridge really a leprechaun?  Should I get a 2013 World Champion Chicago Cubs tattoo?  I've been hard on Sveum in the past.  It's easy to criticize, and be a Monday morning quarterback, but seriously, I really hope, if the Cubs sell off the team that's currently winning ballgames, that he's part of the sell off too.  If they are truly thinking of Sveum, along with Rizzo, Castro, Jackson and Smardwjfbbferfbwhj as the core of this team, we might be 3/5 short of a core.  However, if we keep winning with Grand Slams by utility players and pitchers, I'll just shut up and take the wins, and quit complaining.  Son Ranto quit complaining?!  That'll be the day....

Check out the new podcast at http://www.sonranto.com  Or on Soundcloud

Navarro Hit's 3 Homers as Cubs Win 3rd Straight!

Obviously tired of running hard to try and beat out double plays, Dionner Navarro hit three homers and walked yesterday, to ensure he would have to break into nothing more than a trot throughout Wednesdays blowout 9-3 win over the White Sox.  Honestly, in my 39 years on this god forsaken planet, I don't think I've ever seen a back up catcher hit 3 home runs in a game.  Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I googled it, and though I found a great slideshow from Bleacher Report about unlikely hat trickers of the last decade, not one of them was a back up catcher.  Pretty impressive Navarro.  Even more impressive, is the the Cubs putting up 16 runs against the sox in the last 2 games, as opposed to the total of 17 they scored in 6 games on the last road trip against Reds and Pirates, where they went 1-5.  If you haven't seen my writeup on Bleed Bubbie Blue about my road exploits, check it out here!  It's a good read with great pics!  So, what is it about Sweet Home Chicago that causes the Cubs to actually play decent baseball?  Considering all you hear about how the Club Houses are so terrible at Wrigley, there's no batting cage, or scoreboard, or walk up music, and that's why we lose?  I've got to call BS on that.  The Cubs are batting .275 at home and .222 on the road.   They are 24th in the league in Homers on the road, and 6th at home.  As far as wins and losses go, they are only 3 games better at home than on the road, but that has more to do with errors and the bullpen.  Hey, maybe the players would enjoy a fancier clubhouse with more amenities, but when they have it in newer stadiums like PNC, and Great American, they stink.  Explain.

The Cubs won Monday as well, Jeff Samjenfir3bfrbfrbjrhfi44843 was brilliant, pitching the first complete game shut out of his career. Which in this day and age is a big deal!  I wonder what Fergie Jenkins thinks about all this?  Between 1965 and 1983, he pitched 267 complete games and 49 shutouts.  Plus, he didn't make half as much money as these clowns do today.  But Jeff was "dealing" as our announcers like to say these days, giving up only 2 hits, with the final score at the Cell 7-0.  In this game, Borbon proved the whole lefty/righty platoon thing can be bad strategy,  Going 2-5 with a homer.  Castro, Rizzo, and Soriano all had multi hit games, showing that when these guys hit, we win.  And when they don't we lose.  In other, hitting news, Scott Hairston is now batting over .150.  If Hairston's numbers even out, .263 with 20 homers last year with the Mets, we could be in for quite a show as the weather warms up.

On a side note. Does anyone else notice that when Castro strikes out, or is called out at first base, he throws mini temper tantrums?  My theory is that it's just a show to demonstrate to the fans that he is really trying hard.  It looks put on and fake to me.  I understand the emotion, but every time Starlin?  It's like he's acting out his character on MLB The Show.

And of course every silver lining has a grey cloud....Kyuji Fujikawa is going to have Tommy John surgery, and well, I guess that means we've seen the last of him.  I wonder if Fujikawa even knows who Tommy John is?  I'm sure they call it elbow ligament surgery in Japan, but we like to name our surgery's after people who had the surgery.  How did his interpreter translate?  Fascinating.  I wish I knew the answer.  This might be a question for Muskat on the inside....I'm emailing now.  I do think we should start naming all surgery's after people.  How about the "Kenny Rogers" face lift, women can get their breasts "Jolie'd", and of course, double leg amputation........even I don't want to complete this joke...sorry I made you do it yourself....

Ok!  Check out the new Podcast!  Where Lou Sears and I talk about my treacherous travels around the midwest watching Cubs games in enemy territory.

Today, Jake Peavy takes on Travis Wood at Wrigley.  This should be a great game.  Wish I could be there, but alas, I am in NYC playing the funny songs festival with my band "Bad Teenage Moustache".  Going to the Mets Yankees tonight though.  I hate Yankee Stadium.  The old and the new.  I suppose I would like it more if it weren't full of Yankee fans....but it always is....I always viewed the Cubs as the Anti-Yankees.  One team famous for winning 27 World Championships with baseballs most legendary players, and the other team famous for.....you'll have to complete this joke yourself too.

http://www.sonranto.com

Cubs Avoid Sweep? Not Bloody Likely....

I have been traveling, watching baseball games, gambling, smoking, drinking beer and eating crappy ballpark food, and the single activity that makes me feel as if I've been run over by a Sherman tank are the baseball games.  The Cubs are about to be swept on this road series, and I can't bear to look anymore.  Take a look at these happy Reds fans hugging a giant baseball headed man.

This is what fans of teams look like when they're happy and playing winning baseball.  Now, take a look at what I look like this morning as I write this blog post after watching the Cubs 6 game losing streak in person.

Yes, it's come to this.  Coffee, Cigarette and blogging.  I made a deal with the Cubs yesterday, I would buy a ticket to todays, Sunday's, game if and only if the Cubs won yesterday.  They didn't win, losing 5-2 in what can be characterized as an anemic display of ineptitude and a lack of basic talent.  So, I'm not going today even though the beach boys are giving a free post game concert. Wait...I hate the Beach Boys... Anyway,  In both of these games in Cincinnati, the Cubs took an early lead, only to have it eviscerated in a big run producing inning by the Reds.  Besides the general lack of run production by the Cubs, there just seems to be a general lack of confidence on this team.  Players like Starlin Castro, and Alfonso Soriano just seem as though they'd rather be anywhere else than on a baseball field in a Chicago Cubs uniform.  The Cubs were 1-5 yesterday and 2-9 Friday with runners in scoring position, scoring a total of 6 runs and leaving 31 men on base in the 2 games thus far.  Ugh.  Take a look at this Scoreboard pic of our lineup from yesterday.

Yes, that's right, our pitcher, Travis Wood has a higher batting average than half the starting position players.  No wonder we've left 31 men on base in the last 2 days.  And on Friday, 2 of the 4 runs the Cubs scored were because of a homerun by the pitcher, Scott Feldman.  Which is awesome, but also pathetic.  

In fact, The only good thing that happened during yesterday's game was not baseball related at all.  I saw Carrie Muskat in the elevator, the Cubs team blogger.  She had a giant plate of fries, and I tweeted about the experience.  She made sure I knew she didn't eat them all herself.  I didn't say she did.  All I said was enjoy your fries!  So now, I've got this image of Carrie, Gordon Wittenmyer and Phil Rogers all chowing down on a big plate of fries.  I got to get myself a seat in that pressbox, and get me some fries, but alas, I'm in the stands and have to resort to other measures.  For example...

   As Reds closer Aroldis Chapman finished off Scott Hairston who came in as an offensive substitute for Julio Borbon in the 9th inning, (hahahaha....Scott Hairstons a substitute for a real baseball player and the only thing offensive is his lack of hitting and giant head) Anyway, the Red's fans around me were chanting "Pizza Pizza Pizza".  I asked what all the hub bub was about and some guy told me that if the Reds pitchers strike out the visitors 11 times, everyone wins a free Pizza if you go show your ticket at LaRosa's pizza.  So, I look up at the scoreboard, see there are 2 outs, and Scott Hairston at the plate, and I turned right around and started chanting "Pizza Pizza Pizza!".  When Scott Hairston was indeed caught looking at a called third strike, I cheered and yelled "pizza!" and gave High 5's to the Red's fans.  Hell at least I won a Pizza, which is more than I can say for the Chicago Cubs.

More at http://www.sonranto.com

Here are a couple pics from my trip....but I'm going back to Chicago ASAP.....

Cubs Swept in Pittsburgh; But I Won!

Well, at least I won 42$ at video roulette at Rivers Casino after the ballgame.  But unfortunately, I seem to be the only entity associated with the Cubs, who has anything to do with the word "win".  It was a stormy Thursday afternoon in Pittsburgh, and with Edwin Jackson showing early in the game that he didn't have his best stuff, getting tagged for 2 runs in each of the first two innings, the rains came as a Cub rally killer with 2 outs, 1 in and 2 on in the 4th.  Ending both Jackson's day and my afternoon sobriety.  Even though I said I wasn't going to drink at this one, a two hour rain delay in a stadium where you can't smoke has a way of changing these self made promises.  The game continued, and our bullpen was lights out!  Unfortunately, the lights were also out on the Cubs bats.  Millionaire Cubs such as Anthony "Fo Shizzo" Rizzo went 0-13 in the series, Soriano 3-12, Castro 3-13, and overall the Cubs  failed to score runs.  So either the Pirates are really good, or the Cubs are terrible.  You pick.

The best thing about yesterday's game was sitting in the left field, where I had a great view of Soriano's butt.  I like Soriano, he engages the hecklers in aloof and confusing ways, he dances to the opposing batters walk up music, and he likes to watch the replays of him and his fellow teammates on the video screen in left field.  Here he is getting ready for nothing to happen.

After the rain delay, I correctly predicted that people were going to be inebriated at the resumption of the game.  I was right.  A Pirate fan who looked like actor Paul Giamatti when he played "Pig Vomit" in the Howard Stern movie, began to heckle Soriano as soon as he took the field in the 5th.  This man was  not as funny as he thought he was, and was told repeatedly by the staff to sit down and be quiet.  I  retaliated Son Ranto style and heckled Pig Vomit by yelling to Soriano in spanish.  "Los fanaticos son gordos y pelados!"  Translated, "the fans are fat and bald".  Which they are.  I include myself in this as well.  The Pirates are very serious about their fans conduct, and lay out rules before the game about swearing and fighting, as to socially engineer their fans into acting respectfully.  Judging by the mustachioed gentlemen spitting his Skoal laden chaw onto the floor as he topped the escalator, I would say these rule reminders  are probably justified around these parts.  But overall, everyone was very nice to me.  Mostly because I'm a Cub fan and they feel bad for me.  But the long suffering Pirate fans deserve a decent ball club after over 20 seasons of losing baseball.  I hope Pig Vomit and Skoal man get their championship.  They deserve it before they die of some horrible disease in 5 or 6 years.  

Speaking of dying of a horrible disease!  When entering the ballpark yesterday, I saw paramedics wheeling a wheezing man, clutching his chest.  He was apparently dying of a heart attack, but there didn't seem to be much urgency in the step of the paramedics.  Judging by the food options at the stadium, this is probably just a work a day event for these guys.  Note to self, don't have a heart attack at PNC park.   It probably wasn't the best idea to eat this pulled pork pierogi sandwich.  In fact, the invention of a pulled pork pierogi sandwich was also not the best idea.  

It's as delicious as it looks.  Whatever that means to you....

All in all, Pittsburghs a great town!  There are lots of gays.  IE good food, and cool shops.  My cousin took me to her friend Stu's Zombie store, House of the Dead.  Check it out if your in Pitt.  Stu's awesome and knows a ton about the history of Zombies in Pittsburgh. We saw an Oompah band playing 80's songs and danced on the tables.  The Casino is walking distance to the ballpark and you can park there for free.  Did I mention I won 42$?! I went to Banjo night at the Elks lodge and drank 6$ pitchers of beer AND I could smoke in my hotel room!  Something that never happens anymore.  Ever.  So, thanks Pittsburgh! I had a great time even though the Cubs didnt......

Off to Cincinnati now.  Lets hope we don't get swept again.  But I have a bad feeling.  Tonight, we've got Scott Feldman against the Reds Bronson Arroyo.  We shall see.  Go Cubbies!

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Oh!  And look at these purty picthahs!

Cubs Win Road Series! Rizzo a Cub til 2020.

The Cubs stopped the streaking Nationals, who had won 7 of their last 8 games, to win the series, taking 2 of 3, in Washington DC.  Amazingly, they did it against some of the best pitchers in the National league, Steven Strasburg and Geo Gonzales.  And while the bats might have been somewhat silenced in yesterday's 2-1 nail biter, the Cubbies managed to win, playing small ball, and scratching out a run, instead of waiting for a huge timely hit, that so far this year has been an elusive event for the Cubs' hitters.

Yesterday's ballgame was won, when with 1 out in the 9th, and Soriano and Borbon on 2nd and 1st respectively, the runners began to double steal with Welington Castillo at the plate.  Kurt Suzuki, the Washington Catcher snapped up to try and throw out Soriano at third base, but Suzuki threw the ball directly into Castillo's bat, and the ball sailed into left field.  Soriano came in to score.  Cubs go up 2-1, where the score remained, as Kevin Gregg snagged his 6 save with a perfect bottom of the 9th, including 2 strikeouts.

The play involving Suzuki throwing into the bat is an interesting one, because Castillo doesn't have to move from his spot in the batters box to get out of the way.  If he had been in the way of a throw to second however, he would be called out for interference.  My favorite thing about this surprise double steal, was that the Cubs' base running aggressiveness is what caused Suzuki's error.  The Nationals are making a run at the Cubs for the worst fielding team in the majors with a total of 30 errors against Chicago's 31, and Sveum, our fearless manager figured, "Hey, let's let them make a mistake here.".  The Cubs played aggressively earlier in the inning too.  After Soriano's leadoff single, Julio Borbon came to the plate in what was obviously a bunt situation, but Borbon swung away and singled as well.  Aggressive=Win.  Ryan Sweeney came to the plate in an even more appropriate bunt situation, as he lacks the speed of Borbon to beat out a double play, and ended up striking out. Aggressive=Lose.  I was listening to this game on the radio in my car, and at this point was cursing the name of Sveum out loud!  Yes, I was that man in the Volkswagon Beetle on I94 yesterday yelling to himself around 3 pm.  But Sveum kept coming at the Nats, and on the first pitch called for the double steal.  Suzuki throws the ball into Castillo's bat and the Cubs capitalize on the error.  These are the kinds of errors the Cubs have been making all year, costing us numerous ball games.  It was nice to see it happening to someone else.  The Cubs and Nats have as many errors as the top 3 fielding teams combined.  However, the Nats are in second place, 1 game behind the Braves, while the Cubs languish in last.  As exciting and beneficial to the Cubs win yesterday as this play was, I'd rather see Sweeney bunt than strike out.  Hell, I'd rather see Borbon bunt too.  I'll give Sveum credit for pulling surprise plays like this, but it's not necessarily the smartest baseball.  Check out my new Sveum Video!


In other not necessarily the smartest baseball new, but we will see.....the Cubs locked up Anthony Rizzo, our unproven future star, until the year 2020.  He's going to be paid 41 million with 2 club options worth 19 million, and he could make as much as 73 million all told.  There is no "no trade clause" in the contract as well.  So Rizzo will make between about 6 and 10 million a year, depending on his performance.  Usually this means making the All Star team, winning batting Championships, hitting over a certain amount of homeruns, etc etc....Compare this to other major league ball clubs, and this contract doesn't even break the top 10 in terms of cost.  In fact, Rizzo's contract is half as much as the top 5 first basemen in the majors, which includes such names as Mark Texiera at 23.125 million, and Prince Fielder at 23 million.  Texiera's currently injured and on the 60 day DL.  He is also 33 years old and was injured some of last year as well, depressing his numbers.  Prince Fielder is 4 years younger than Texiera, and has actually comparable numbers to Rizzo. They both have 9 homeruns this year.  Fielder is slightly better in all other hitting stat categories, but Rizzo has yet to play a full year in the majors and is 5 years younger than Fielder.  If Anthony Rizzo turns out to be a top tier hitter, then I'd say we got a real bargain here.  But that's a big "IF".  I like what I see for the most part.  Rizzo started out painfully slow this year, but made adjustments and has been tearing the cover off the ball for a few weeks now.  The Cubs future is securely in place, centered aroung Rizzo and Starlin Castro.  Will it work?  Time will tell....

So what's up next?  A new podcast for starters....you can subscribe here....

And...I'll be on a rooftop tonight watching the Cubs take on the Rockies.  The Rockies will pitch Juan Nicasio, who is 3-0 with a 4.72 era, while the Cubs will throw lefty Travis Wood, who is 3-2 with a 2.33 era.  On paper, we win tonight.  But we will see which way the ball bounces!

In the meantime http://www.sonranto.com for all things Cubs....

Go Cubbies!

Shark Tanked; Cubs Lose in DC

Washington DC is a city filled with wealthy do nothings who disappoint their constituencies on a regular basis by wielding power in ineffectual ways.  Last night, there were 25 extra humans wearing blue in our nations capitol similarly ineffectually wielding power.  They are called the Chicago Cubs, and I wouldn't vote for any of them for dog catcher if they were running for office.  The Cubs wielded some power last night, collecting 7 doubles among their 10 hits, and yet managed only 3 runs in this game that mercifully lasted 2 hours and 23 minutes.  The hapless Cubs went 2-14 with runners in scoring position, and an error by pitcher Jeff Samardzija led to the first 2 of Washington's 7 runs.  Isn't it a kick in the pants that when the pitcher makes an error, he is not charged with earned runs on the play?  Technically, the Shark allowed only 5 runs, but really, it was 7.  All 7.  In 5 innings.  Shark tanked.

So, how else are the Chicago Cubs like the politicians that ubiquitously roam around DC looking for attention and favors from lobbyists and special interest groups?  Well, the Cubs campaign slogan for one.  Most politicians utilize buzz words like "freedom" or "moving forward", which really doesn't mean anything.  Freedom to do what?  Moving forward into what?  Similarly, the Chicago Cubs' campaign slogan of this year, "Committed" is also an empty buzz word.  Committed to what?  Apparently, committed to leaving men on base.  The boys in blue are batting only .181 with runners in scoring position, a full 28 points below the next closest cellar dweller, the Toronto Bluejays.  We all had a good laugh over the "committed" slogan when it first came out because of the empty rhetoric inherent in the term.  Like when someone says, "it is what it is".  Well of course it is what it is.  You didn't have to remind me that "it" is what "it" is.  The only people that should be "committed" are the idiot fans like me that continue to suffer through these poorly played baseball games, both in the stands and on television. Yeah, committed to a mental institution, or some sort of baseball rehab.  Yes, the Cubs are certainly committed to losing baseball games in frustrating ways, like a politician "moving forward", which usually means your rear end is gonna be left in the dust.

I've put a ton of blame on the management, IE Dale "please don't shoot me, I'm not a Quail" Sveum, and it resulted in this song that I wrote yesterday.  So at least adversity breeds art....


Good things?  Besides my awesome new song?  Darwin Barney ended his 0 for 1,245,674 streak by hitting another useless Cub double with one out in the 9th.  So, he's got to feel pretty good about that. Go Dar Bar! Skies the limit!  Rizzo went 2-4.  New Cub lefty,  Ryan Sweeney went 2-3 against a left hander.  Castro hit 2 doubles from the leadoff spot, and our relievers, Rondon, Fujikawa, and Camp actually held the Nats to 0 runs and 1 hit over 3 innings.  They always seem to come through when the game is not on the line.

Bad things?  Alfonso "how much longer on this contract?" Soriano went 0-4, as did Welington "my batting average is like water seeking it's level" Castillo.  And Jeff Smadfebkvbkfbgebgvvzija basically sucked.  Jeff's an emotional player, and I like that, except for that it makes him screw up.  He was pretty terrible at controlling his emotions last night. It made him lose focus, and well, lose the game.

So, yes, the Cubs are Committed.  Committed to being one of the worst teams in baseball.  Committed to leaving runners on base.  Committed to frustrating their fans.  Committed to building a giant scoreboard at Wrigley Field, so we can watch them stink twice.

You can hear me and the Lovable Lou Sears complain all about it on the new podcast....

So, today, it's Edwin Jackson vs. Steven Strasburg at 3:05.  This should be fun....

Go Cubbies!