After sitting through Friday's 2-0 snoozefest loss, I wasn't about to pay 25$ to sit in nosebleed on Saturday, plus I was exhausted from hanging out with my fearless podcasting partner, The Lovable Lou Sears, who's boundless energy and love of bourbon usually ruins my life for a day or two after seeing him. And good thing too! The Cubs only had 4 hits against AJ Burnette, the Pirates tattooed ace. Watching that woulda pissed me off. I won't bother listing all of the Cubs players without a hit yesterday, so I'll stay positive and tell you who did hit. DeJesus, Rizzo, Soriano, and Schierholtz each had 1. Still, all but Rizzo lowered their batting average yesterday, and the Cubs slid further into the depths of the National League Central, ending the day only one game ahead of the lowly Milwaukee Brewers, and 11 games under .500. But this is 2013....
But in 2015, we will have a new scoreboard, and it's continuous barking of advertisements and fan centric games by which we can follow a hidden baseball under one of 3 hats, will surely motivate our current future star players to new heights in the art of hitting. Starlin Castro is hitting only .247 in 2013, but once the Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza Slice races begin, in 2015, Castro will loosen up at the plate from laughing hysterically as the Lou Malnati's Pepperoni slice trips and falls on the center field warning track. In fact, that event, which I predict will happen in July of 2015, will be credited with actually winning the division, as all of the Cubs players laugh their way to victory, watching the replay of the Pepperoni Slice falling on the left field jumbotron. Castro will bat .357 in 2015 with 42 Homeruns. Likewise, Soriano, signed to another 13 year contract, locking him up into his early 50's will feel rejuvenated by the new boutique Cubs hotel and farmers market located right outside the ballpark. The organic Kale and Quinoa he buys there will give him the fortitude to hit 38 homeruns, and steal 42 bases for the first time since 2006. Jeff Smakjfbwfbwufbwkbjks, the Cubs Ace pitcher will win 31 games, crediting the new salon in the pedestrian mall outside of Wrigley, this future genius stylist will craft Smfbrjbfskjvsjfnwef's mullet into a finely tuned pitching machine. Smskjfbebwfljc jfwf's hair will be aerodynamically sculpted to give him .00034 mm extra break on his curve ball. And the National League batters won't like it one bit! Here's is an artists rendering of what Smafdnergbaev ae's hair will look like after the renovations.
Ironically, the stylist, (pictured above) just so happens to be Kyuji Fujikawa's current interpreter. But with Kyuji Fuji out for the rest of 2013, facing Tommy John surgery, Ryo Shinkawa used his extra time in the dugout waiting for Fujikawa's return, to carefully study the effects of pitcher's mullets on the movement and velocity of the pitched ball. His charts, graphs, and skill with styling shears pays off in 2015 when Smabdkgbkfdsv vk goes 25-1 with a 1.34 ERA, wining the Cy Young Award, along with the Prestegious "Hair-O Dynamics" prize given bi annually by SuperCuts and Aussie Hair Products.
But alas, this is 2013, and yesterday Smardsjkbfjsbksv gave up 4 runs on 4 hits, though he did strike out 7. Just a few more years Jeff, and you'll be the Ace you already act like you are!
So, yes...Gun's and Roses said it best, all we need is just a little patience. Theo, Jed and Tom have this all under control. They are rich, so they're smarter and better than us regular people. So let's all relax, pay full price for our tickets and enjoy 2013 as the "rebuilding year" it is. Today, Edwin Jackson 1-8 with a 6.29 ERA goes against Jeff Locke 5-1, 2.45. The Pirates will most likely sweep us today, just as they did on the road a few weeks ago. But don't worry! All we need is patience.....
And a podcast.... http://www.sonranto.com
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