It was the bottom of the 9th, and Kevin Gregg, the Cubs' fearless closer had just given up a lead off homerun to Juan Francisco to pull the Brewers to within 1. With the score 5-4, the Brewers' Rally Banana began dancing, gyrating to the rhythms and sounds permeating Miller Park, attempting to goad the 5000 or so Brewers fans left into cheering their scuffling team to victory. With scoreboard initiated chants, and clapping patterns only known to those who reside north of the Wisconsin border, the rally Banana stood tall amongst his people, and induced a Rickie Weeks double. Then a sacrifice bunt, putting the tying run on third base with only 1 out. Things were looking dire for the Cubs, but I, Son Ranto telepathied the Cubs dugout for a visit from Cubs pitching coach, former Brewer Chris Bosio, and channeled my energies to Bosio, to tell Gregg to quit screwing around and bring the infield in. I wasn't about to let the Rally Banana steal a rare Cubs victory at Miller Park away from me and my fellow Cubby Blue Bleeders, who outnumbered the Brewers fans 2-1. I also wasn't about to let the Rally Banana even the score, as I had won 1$ off of Mr. Banana by picking the Hot Dog to win, over his Bratwurst in the Sausage race.
You can see the vengeance in the Rally Banana's eyes, plotting his 9th inning Rally Banana comeback. And with a man on third, Bosio waddling back to Cubs dugout, and the Mendoza lining .203 hitter Yuniesky Bettancourt, who's name sounds like a cross between a Latvian moonshine, and an English Count, I had to muster all my Son Ranto telepathic powers to make ex-Brewer Dale Sveum's "pulled in" infield work it's magic. Success!!! As planned, Yuniesky hit the ball straight at Luis Valbuena, and with Weeks, the runner at third, off on contact, and a fine throw from Valbuena, he was dead to rights at home plate!
Son Ranto 2 - Rally Banana 0
But I still had work to do, Gregg needed one more out. And with the Rally Banana dancing up a storm, I knew that it would take all the Son Ranto power within me, to keep lefty Pinch Hitter Scooter Gennett from hitting his second career homerun. A 2 run walk off. So with the Rally Banana dancing full tilt, Scooter launched a high fly ball to right field. This was the opportunity I had been looking for. This was an easy homerun, but I was sitting in left center field, perfectly positioned to create an air vacuum to keep the ball in the ball park, and into the mitt of Nate Schierholtz. So I began to suck. I sucked in air with lung power I didn't know I still had as a 20 year smoker. The Rally Banana stopped and watched the fly ball sail through the air, preparing himself for a Rally Banana Walk off celebration of epic proportions. But I, Son Ranto, continued to Vacuum up the outfield air with my superlungs. Causing the ball to arc, then die to the warning track, where the waiting Schierholtz snagged it for the final out of the ballgame! Cubs Win! Son Ranto Wins! Brewers lose! Rally Banana Lose!!
Curses! Foiled Again!!!!
Thus was the tale last evening at Miller Park in the epic battle for fourth place.
The saga continues today at 1:10 pm.
I'll be there, sucking as usual.
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